DFC #108

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

No way! It's *YOUR* turn to do The Macarena with the old bat!zazu

Man, by the time the "coming soon" stuff gets online we'll be as old as her!zazu

Nice old lady, huh? Listen up, bro. Remember how Hitler only had one testicle? Well guess who has the other one!zazu

OH Shit! Not 2 Pac AGAIN! Gramma, you a whack-ass busta!Gamelon

Ha ha ha! I erased all her tapes last night, but the senile old bat still thinks she hears the music!jerright

Who woulda thought Gran'ma would like " The Sex Pistols " so much? Of course they're both pretty much the same age...Doc Evil

ANOTHER Pocahontas product placement??? Hot damn, we'll be eating MEAT this week!Orion the Hunter

How did I get her to play the "Butthole Surfers"? I told her it was a self-help tape on constipation in the elderly...heh, heh, heh!kafka

"Get the dustbuster, Gramma forgot what the toaster looks like again."Rainman

I think she got into my stash again. She's listening to every Alice Cooper album ever made and talking about the colors of the music.anon

"Songs for Drella." I know it's Lou Reed and John Cale, but how cool can it be? She says she went to school with the guy it's about.Anastasia

You had to give her a Cramps CD. If she calls Lux Interior a pale imitation of "The King" one more time, I'll have to rip out her throat.Anastasia

Waddya mean you think Granma's a lesbian? All she ever listens to is k.d. lang and Melissa Ethridge!The Incorrigible Welshman

How embarrassing! Gramma asked if we had any records, and I told her about your sodomy conviction!Roy

Yeah, giving Grandma a copy of "Hello, Dolly" was reeeeal funny. That's why I just gave her a copy of "Billy, Don't Be a Hero." Capt. phealy

I don't care what you think, but that 8-Track player with Quadraphonic Sound churns out a killer In-A-Godda-Da-Vida!Don Spudleone

...and when Grandma played that Ozzy song backwards, she screamed "Save me Satan!" and then rammed her arm up the left speaker!anon

She always plays those old Wehrmacht marching songs when she misses Granpa.Jojo the Spiv

I told the old cow that a little man lives in the stereo and that he makes all the music. Man, since the stroke she's been a hoot!Jojo the Spiv

It was sickening. To make sure Grandma could hear her, Dolly had to practically scream her praise of Lawrence Welk's genius in my face. Senile though she was, I always hoped Grandma would somehow recognize it for the shameless patronizing it was. I beat the hell out of Dolly for it on a fairly regular basis, but when Grandma finally bought it a few years later, she left half her estate to the little suck-up. You tell me who got the last laugh. -- publisher's excerpt from "Surviving the Circus", by William "Billy" Keane, Jr.Pete B.

Gramma says she's not going to play that weak-ass Green Day shit. It's not real punk.Evil Ed

Ever since Grandma moved into the attic, she's been playing King Diamond's "Them" album over and over again while drinking tea. Now she's started calling me "Missy." You may think I'm just being paranoid if you want, but I'm still keeping Mommy's mini pistol with me at all times. I recommend you read the lyrics and do some serious thinking. Metalholic

Michael Bolton, huh? Did she give you that speech yet? The one about how he makes her feel like a 20-year old again? I can tell you what's coming next...Keef

She said my Care Bears CD was "wussy shit", an' she's putting in M'tallica. Gramma's really changed -- I think it may be that biker she's dating.Vice Pope Doug

It's a nice thought, Billy, but the last time you s'prised Gramma with a box of chocolates with acid inside, it took three firemen and $78 cash to get her off the roof. Naked.Vice Pope Doug

We're playin' Woodstock '94. Gramma is Melissa Etheridge, and you n' me get to be Naked Mud People. Let's go get the hose!Vice Pope Doug

It's eerie, I tell you.. You get past the entertainment center, and then there's nothing. No wall, no floor, just... nothing. I keep tellin' ya, Gramma's house is haunted.The Outsider

Remember how Daddy an' his Friend Roy had that accountant over for baby oil wrestling last weekend? Remember how they got real drunk and wanted to record it? It's still in the stereo. THIS is gonna be good!Vice Pope Doug

Okay, we're agreed. If this tape she's playing now is John Tesh AGAIN, we smash her right in the back of that weird thing between her shoulders and her head.Milo Bloom the Fed

I know he can't draw kids for shit, but you gotta admit that Keane draws one mean stereo!slacker

Yeah, CDs are convenient, I suppose, but I still miss sorting the seeds out of my dope on a Pink Floyd gatefold sleeve.Diggit

Promise me Billy, you ever catch me doing Karoke, slice my throat; well, when I get a neck that is!caveman

I'm telling ya, the old bag is losing it! She's put a poptart in the CD changer and that in the toaster!zazu

...so John's kid drew a picture called Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, and everyone thought the song was about LSD, cuz..Oh fuck it.zazu

You can watch "Pochahantas" if you truely must, but this time I don't want to catch you licking the screen.anon

You'll get down behind her on your hands and knees... I'll get her to back away from the radio!Tom Fulp

What the hell are you doing with that 8-track tape??? We only have room for one week-bladdered, toothless old geezer in this house...and the position's already been filled! Tazabby

50,000 dollars, Billy, is not a lot considering that you'll be giving rim jobs to every unwashed sociopath on the cell block if Gran'ma and I decide that this tape should go to the police.anon

All of Gramma's favorite musicians are dead, just like ours, 'cept hers all died of strokes instead of heroin overdoses.Rotter

Amazing. At the same age when Mozart wrote his Mass In A-Minor, you've just barely learned not to pee on the pews!Rotter

"TALL...and tanned and YOUNG and LOVE-ly..." aw, Christ!!! Now she's got ME singing it!!! Why don't you just shoot me now?!?Rotter

Are you kidding? When Gramma was in the USO, they used to call her "The Big Bands' Big Bang." Why do you think Daddy looks so much like Benny Goodman?Rotter

Christ, another "Dead" bootleg? How many does she have now-six, seven hundred?zazu

You know, listening to "Who's on First" thirty times in a row doesn't bother me nearly as much as her maniacal cackling.zazu

Two things scare me about this situation, Billy. One, that Bil actually drew a stereo system to scale with Granma; and two, that he considers eight-tracks cutting edge enough to give you one.The Incorrigible Welshman

You're Billy's stunt double in this scene? I almost didn't recognize you under that wig, Mr. DeVito!The Incorrigible Welshman

We've secretly replaced this kindly old grandmother's Andy Williams CDs with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music." Let's see if she notices.Capt. phealy

I know you wanted Queensryche, but I got you 7 Year Bitch instead because metal sucks but homocore rules!Horselover Fat

Don't worry. I switched the tape. Get ready for Gwar.Anastasia

If she insists we line dance, let's kneecap her.Anastasia

It's weird! She doesn't drag any chains, she doesn't try to get revenge, she just floats in, plays that "Dogs Bark Christmas Carols" tape, and disappears! Here, give me that blunt object. Let's see if we can kill her better this time.The Happy Fed

I'm sorry, Billy, but if Grandma is listening to Pearl Jam, that means they're not cool anymore.anon

Back to the DFC Archive index