DFC #116

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Ok, we got a half mill on Mom, $400K on Dolly, $250K on Jeffy. I say it's time for the accident. (wink wink) Pete

Daddy? When you were in school, were you a good "pupil"? Hahahaha! Get it? You've got no fucking pupils! Stop me, I'm on a roll here! Hey, Barney Rubble! Oh, my bladder! I'm gonna pee! Bill Versteegen

11:30 AM: subject is listless and slightly paranoid. The drug seems to have affected his motor response time. Still no sign of eyeballs.Greg J

60 minutes called. They were asking about our cartoon sweatshop in Bangladesh. Should I deny everything or offer the usual bribe?Greg J

"...and then on the last page, the consultant makes some suggestions. He says that if you wear a necktie that curls up at the end, and start drawing me with no hair and longer ears, we might get some readership just by accident. I didn't get it either."zed, time's champion's alternate

"Aww, Dad, do I hafta? Oh, fine, whatever... `Hello, sir, and welcome to Club Med! Mah name ees Juan, and I weel be your waiter an' pool boy for the duration of your stay. Now, ees there anytheeng I can get por jou, sir? Oh, dear...I seem to have dropped my dreenk tray...I weel chost bend over and peeck eet up...'"zed, time's champion's alternate

Hey Dad!!! Can you draw a picture of me with my new gill flap?Cheezo

"It's my 'What I Did On My Summer Vacation' essay. How many L's in 'fellatio'?"MASK

Alright Bil, I'll draw the goddamn turtle for you. Maybe you'll get accepted into that crappy art school this time.Gump Master Flex

I think I've muddied up our financial records enough to fool the auditor, but we're never going to get the blindness exemption if you have the newspaper on your lap when he gets here.Diggit

So you take the one and carry it into the tens' column--Hey! Are you listening? After this sorry-ass cartoon goes under, we're gonna need you to at LEAST be able to pump gas for this family!!!Kurenwal

Mr. Keane? Billy, DFC Tribune. Would you please tell me what you think of the allegations of sexual harrassment by you made by Blondie Bumstead, Lucy Van Pelt, and Dogbert?Greg J

...o.k. last question.Turn offs?jybe

As Billy talked, Bil had another tingle of 'phantom limb syndrome,' which has plagued him ever since his legs were blown clean off in 'Nam.Dark Roger

We're in deep shit. Our reader died.zazu

Business Week's "Job compensation Survey" just came in. According to them, "cartoonist" is in a dead tie for last with "migrant fruit picker".zazu

You're bookie just called. He said if you don't pay him the twenty grand you owe him by Friday, he'll reposses the rest of your legs. Tazabby

No, really, Dad, it's just a school project, and the brown shirt just looks good on me. Now, let's get back to what you said about Pat Buchanan at dinner....swb

OK, I'll read it back: Curious WM, 52, into B&D, S&M, Rubber Fetish and Water sports ISO well hung GWM 18-23 for hot monkey sex. How's that? zazu

I'm going over you salary raise request to Cowles. I don't think ten percent is an outrageous amount, but I would seriously reconsider starting the letter with "Dear Cocksucker".zazu

Oh good, you're sober! Cowles called and they want next week's cartoons by 4PM Friday, your reservations at Chez Panisse are for 7PM..let's see..Oh and my survey shows that mom's haircut generated a 40% increase in Dyke captions. zazu

And this is how you draw a background. And this is how you... Yo, dad, I'm down here. Sheesh, it's a wonder how you can draw anything with those Coke bottles!slacker

So you're saying seven times five is...whoops! Dad! Dad? Oh, cripes, he's away again.SpinnWebe

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just keeping track of the number of times you giggle to yourself and mumble under your breath, "Oh, Ziggy!"Milo Bloom

Dad, I'm writing a new incantation. Can you think of anything that rhymes with Lucifer?Anastasia

I have to do a family tree for school. Where exactly does Uncle Roy fit in?Anastasia

Hey, Orphan Annie! I have to write a report about what you do for a living. And sitting around the house getting sloshed isn't going to cut it with the teacher. So, what is it you do?Anastasia

Now, as your defense attorney, I strongly urge you not to start giggling and rubbing yourself when they mention the victim's name.Tazabby

The National Institute for the Blind and Visually Impaired called. They said they'd pay top dollar to find out how you can see without eyeballs. Tazabby

No, no, go back to what you were doing. I'm doing a study on the habits of washed-up middle aged artists who habitually leave out backgrounds in their drawings. Just pretend I'm not even here.anon

'Cause I'm practicing to be a police sketch artist. Now, would you say Mom's tits are more rounded and full, or cone-like and perky?anon

And so, your mother's refusal to breast-feed you began a cycle of fearing rejection, which over time has almost certainly instilled dangerous homoci...oh, but I see our time is up for this session.Rotter

Okay, Dad. For this cartoon, we're predicting 20% "Bil can't draw backgrounds for shit" and 17% "Where are Bil's feet?" After that, it's anybody's guess...Dave the Fave

Next question is, "How many kinky sex devices do you own or plan to purchase in the next twelve months?"*greywolf;

I'm writing a paper on 'Lolita' for school and I need some perspective. Just what is it that you see in Dolly?Jojo the Spiv

So let's see.....Larson, Adams, Schultz.....anyone else you wanted added to this hitlist?Don Spudleone

I know I'm just a cub reporter whereas you're a nationally syndicated cartoonist, but do you really have to use me as a footstool?RIFF

And finally, would you be willing to pay $29.95 to own a pair of blueblockers?Anonywuss

So our hairstyles are similar as some kind of father-son bonding thing? Or were you deliberately trying to mark me as a twisted freak who should be hunted down and destroyed?Rusty Russell

Dad, Jeffy and I are just cataloging your and mom's possessions. How much are you worth, in say...life insurance terms?caveman

That was the "Vibra-Heaven" Adult Novelty Company -- they like what you've done with Disney stuff, and want to talk product placement.Vice Pope Doug

This week's results show that the DFC readership is again growing roughly 4000% faster than traditional FC readership. Also, DFC demographics are: "young, creative, and upwardly mobile" -- as opposed to "on medicare". If I were you, Daddy, I would seriously consider slipping into that lace teddy and firing up the bong!Vice Pope Doug

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