DFC #119

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Look mom, the tournament is only days away. If you can't get him at least to me, then you can kiss your "All-American Midget Toss Champion" title goodbye! Now put a little more *oomph* into it this time!The Boogie Man!

Cut! Will someone please get this crazy lady off the set?! Thank you, now let's take it from the top step again...and P.J., I need more sreaming and less tears from you. Tazabby

"Look at the bright side: the soft spot on the top of his head absorbed most of the impact!"Paul T. Riddell

"I have come to your planet with an urgent request: Mars Needs Women."Paul T. Riddell

...he made a COOL sound comin' down!Doc Evil

Sheesh!!! Why's he throwing such a mental fit? The book said 'ack-u-puncher' was s'posed to make him feel GOOD!Orion the Hunter

Well, jeez, Thel. When you flash that much liver-spotted cleavage at him, whadja expect?Charlie Steinhice

Uncle Sam wants YOU...to move somewhere else.Cheezo

Put me up for adoption? That's supposed to scare me? Hell, I'll shove him down the stairs every day if it means I'll get out of this family!Tazabby

WHY is P.J. crying? Look at the way you pick him up, yer giving him a Pampers wedgie of BIBLICAL proportions!Doc Evil

ARISE! You have brought me the virgin sacrifice as I, Emporer Jeffy the First, have commanded. Your village shall be spared my wrath for another 3 cycles of the moon! Now leave the child with me and let no one interrupt us in mid debauch, lest their heads greet the dawn perched on a spear tip.paTRICK heSTER

It's okay, Thel, I'm just going to come down nice and slow, so we can talk this out. Nobody wants you to have to hurt P.J. Now, what are your demands?Greg J

Don't have pity on him. He knows better than to be out of uniform during inspection.Greg J

Sorry, mom. We were re-enacting an M.C. Escher print, and P.J. oriented himself to a gravity-contrary axis.jerright

"Don't worry about me, Geddes! Don't worry about me! I'm CHARLES FOSTER KANE!!"The Turtle

This is really fair. He trips on the bottom stair, stubs his toe, and gets showered with love and affection... I get hit by a car when riding my bike, and you say "That blood is NEVER gonna come outta that shirt!" Yep... Life is fair...Orion the Hunter

....and Dad says the two of you can stay in the basement on bread and water rations until you can both learn not to use your goddamn teeth!kafka

"Tell P.J. I'll be O.K. It's Just like they always said it would be. A tunnel of light and a dreamy stairway going off into the heavens."David Schlussel

Will ya pull your neck in a bit, mom? You're scaring the little yard monkey!zazu

Gravity's a bitch, ain't it Peej?zazu

I warned him but do you think he'd listen? Nooooooo! He just had to touch the red asterisk!zazu

But he's been stealing my johns all evening! I had to do something!Tazabby

*Now* will you buy me a Slinky?Riff

It's your choice, either you put him in a foster home or I arrange an accident. Either way I'm going back to being the baby.Myke

Don't look at me like that, Mom -- these stairs worked in The Exorcist!Dofang

I don't care how close he came. You rolled a six, he fell on the fifth step fair and square. Gimme my ten bucks!Rotter

How DARE you interrupt the ceremony! You have defiled the most holy temple of the Aztecs, and only your heart's blood can cleanse the stain!Joe Klein

I just wanted to recreate the "Odessa Steps" sequence from Potemkin for my video class. Guess I should have put him in a baby carriage first...Rotter

You're damn right I kicked his pajama-clad ass again, and you can tell Dad it's going to keep happening until he learns his lesson from cartoon #103: I can't freakin' stand to have P.J. drawn the same size as me!Joe Klein

..and if that rug rat touches my fuck books again, I'm gonna duct tape his mouth to the goddamn car exhaust!zazu

Hey, you know these twelve step programs ain't easy. No hand him over. We still have six steps left!zazu

As Thel held on to PJ's battered and blood-stained body, a nervous Jeffy has second thoughts about auditioning for the lead in Bil Keane's Chevy Chase: The Early Years. zazu

You lied! PJ is not a bouncing baby boy!Joe Blow

Uhm... Good catch?El Kabong

I saw the whole thing!! That NOT ME motherfucker just hauled back a kicked PJ's pudgy little ass right down the stairs! Uh, by the way, when do you 'spect PJ will be learning to talk?Vice Pope Doug

Yes!! Women shall bow, and infants shall weep in terror at the power of the mighty JEFFY! By the way, Wench, would you happen to know where that article on "Amphetamine Use and Megalomania" might be? Noble Subject Billy suggested that I might wish to review it for my amusement.Vice Pope Doug

Oh my God!!! P. J. was right! You are Mommy. And here I thought Bil was knockin' the boot with Celine Dion for the past two weeks...Dave the Fave

Okay. I choose this moment to exercise my contract option to create the next imaginary excuse character. I'm calling him "He Didit",and if you want to know anything else, you'll have to contact my lawyer.Dave the Fave

What are you so mad about? It's not like he could've broken his neck!Roy

Hey! He just lost $550 to me playin' Five Card Stud -- an' all he could produce was a soggy animal cracker! He's lucky all I did was toss him down the stairs!Vice Pope Doug

I've had it with PJ, too. You're both confined to the basement tonight!Roy

He might feel better if you tell him that all the From Here to Eternity captions got rejected.His Imperial Majesty

"And your soul is forfeit to the Dark Lord as well, woman!"Adam Cadre

No no no! It's stairs soccer, you don't use your hands!Larry Hastings

Don't look at me. Dolly's the one who put in the trip-wire.Anastasia

I told Dad not to leave a banana peel on the stairs. But he said he needed new material.Anastasia

He's scared of his shadow? Look at this huge fucking thing Dad drew behind me! What's it supposed to be, a gateway to Hell? Actually, that *would* explain the spikes growin' outa PJ's head.Riff

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