DFC #125

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

A valuable lesson can be learned from this experience. I love Jeffy more than I love you.Cheezo

Don't worry son... my Little League team told me I was a worthless stubby-armed son of a bitch too... and look how I turned out!!EuroTrashGirl

Damnit, one of these days I'll get this thing right. Now.. where did I stick that access plate again..?Bastage

I know that stray foul ball you hit killed mom, but look on the bright side, no more NAG, NAG, NAG!anon

Yes, I miss you too, Billy. But there ARE ways around restraining orders, you know. Why, look at us now! Just like the old days! Was that a patrol car that just drove by?I AM DAMO SUZUKI

I know it seems harsh, son, but you're just not getting the laughs you used to ...and we're getting a real good deal on that dog from "Dilbert."BuzChick

Cheer up son, it's not whether you win or lose, it how you...uh... Say, y'know those pants make your ass look really sexy!jerright

Man, you were a hoot out there swinging your bat at those "little green gremlins" and screaming at them to stop jumping out of your pants. You should drop acid before every game!Tazabby

Billy! Guess what! The DNA tests were POSITIVE! You really ARE my son! Isn't this great?!Magus, Dark Lord of Captions

Son, you looked like a monkey fucking a football out there. What were you thinking?Same Song different caption

Next week on the Impossible Zone: He loses the game and the bet to dad...it's suck-time for Billy-boy!Head Start

I know the kids taunt you by calling you names like " Spridle " and " Elroy Jetson ". But ya gotta admit that with this hat on...Doc Evil

Well son, what did you expect with Groucho Marx coaching your team?The Onion Ring Guy

It's okay, Billy; you may not be able to hit like Babe Ruth, but you can still drink, smoke, and screw the Bambino under the table!Paul S.

Why'd Coach Roy order all these uniforms with a zippered patch on the butt?Joe Blow

"Charlie Brown had to strike out somebody someday."bosco

Whoa! She really raised a welt on your back. That's my girl! What a throwing arm! Keep up the good work, Dolly!Poison Sugar

It would help if you stop shrieking and curling into a fetus-like position every time someone hits the ball. Tazabby

Billy, you struck out because that was God's will. Now ask yourself- 'What did I do to piss off Jesus?'slacker

That's okay Billy, I have three other kids I can be proud of.Mike Taylor

Tell you what, bring your bat tonight and we'll have a 'talk' with your coach about his coaching technique. I know he's at the Naked Grape every thursday.X-29 Stealth Basselope

It's okay Billy. But, next time you want to bash someone with your bat, use the heavy end. Okay? That's better. You're still my little serial basher.anon

Let's see . . . stiff as a board, bat held in unbreakable spastic grip, five or six shattered vertabrae. Yeah, you're paralyzed all right.Stefan Jones

"So they knocked your team out of the Little League World Series! It's not like either of you has a chance against those 27-year-old 'kids' from the Philippines!"Adam Cadre

"So you'll never make the major leagues. With your single nostril and freakish physique I'm sure there's a spot waiting for you on the Paralympic squad!"Adam Cadre

Ah yes! I'll just leave this decoy Billy doll at the edge of the woods near the ball field. And when another kid comes to investigate... BANG! Fresh meat tonite!paTRICK heSTER

I'm not embarrassed at all, Son. I told all the people around me that it was terrible how your dad wouldn't come to watch you play, and I was going to go comfort you.Roy

You see, we expected your team to go 3-24. That's why we bought you old Senators caps.Charlie Steinhice

So what if he's your best friend?? You nailed the little bastard right in the nose! Crushed that sucker! Your team was ahead when they stopped the game! That's my BOY!Vice Pope Doug

Look Billy, I know that it must have been rough seeing your Mommy tortured, raped and dismembered by a biker gang last night, but like my old man used to say: "there's nothin' like a little baseball to cheer a boy up"!!Vice Pope Doug

Really, son, it's OK. Remember how many times *I* struck out before I found Uncle Roy?The Outsider

Why should I give you dinner tonight? You're a loser.Cheezo

Now Son, let's looks at the BRIGHT side! The season may be over, but you can always rub your crotch and spit like a pig at home! Hell, your Mother has done it for years! Bill Versteegen

OF COURSE I think your'e a worthless loser, Billy...this IS the DFC, y'know.Doc Evil

There, there, son, it's okay...you won't know true despair until you have a child that disappoints me as much as you do.Thomas Wilde

Now, son, don't take it personally. Mr. Belle was just trying to break up the double play.Charlie Steinhice

Dammit, Billy...how many times have I told you not to turn your head all the way around in public?! Do you want another demonphobic, torch carrying, vicious mob outside our house again?Tazabby

I know you feel bad now, but know that I love... AH, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I'm sorry. I can't do this sentimental bullshit without cracking up!ThreeSwords Delamitri

There, there son, its OK. So you've shamed dear ole' dad a little, so maybe I can't show my face around town for the next month, so maybe I will start drinking again...it doesn't matter 'cause your still MY little Billy!kafka

"Well, you were the last draft pick, so you have to go with them. Let me know what Detroit's like, okay?"Paul T. Riddell

That's right, you pretend to be sad while I give you attention, and hopefully, that strapping stud of a coach will notice and give me his number.Don Spudleone

Don't worry son,you can still be in the majors. Heck,the kids in art school used to pick on my skills. Now look where I am...oooh gosh bad example. jybe

Not to make this any worse, son, but this is the second time you've blown a game in front of the DFC crowd.Pastor of Muppets

Your Uncle Roy offered to help you with batting practice. But no, you thought he meant something dirty. Aren't you sorry now?Anastasia

Ya see Billy...Its not whether you win or lose, its that your mom and I got a big tax credit after you forced us to get married...Chris H.

Cheer up. There'll always be room for someone with your meager talents with the Mets.Anastasia

Don't worry, lots of guys puke the first time they chew tobacco. The important thing is that you not give up.Jadie

Look on the bright side. I had twenty bucks on the other team!Joe Blow

Striking out with the bases loaded was a good ploy for attention and sympathy, son; falling on home plate and soiling yourself afterwards was a bit much, though.Paul S.

I know you're not the world's most gifted athlete, but Jesus, Billy--how can anyone get hit by a pitch in Tee-Ball?Paul S.

That's right, son--feel the shame. Soak it up. Wallow in it. Let it envelop your soul like a black velvety shroud. Feel it contricting your chest until you feel as if your very existence will implode into a vast, empty nothingness of total despair...Now you are a man.Paul S.

It's OK Billy - put your ear against my gurgling gut and let the sound just carry your troubles away...not elsie

....because Mommy had too much wine, and thought you were supposed to get four allergy pills every two hours, instead of two every four hours. You should be able to speak complete sentences again by lunchtime.Vice Pope Doug

Hey, we all wet our pants when we're nervous sometimes! The other kids will forget all about it in a few years!Vice Pope Doug

If it makes you feel any better I slashed the other team's tires.Cheezo

Why am I ripping your uniform off? Because you don't deserve to wear it, that's why.Cheezo

It's okay. You're still my son. I'm still proud of you...uh...geez, which one are you again? I can't tell without seeing the hair.Federal Agent Milo Bloom

Back to the DFC Archive index