DFC #131

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Can I come for a second to go to the bathroom?....Oh, and Jeffy cracked his empty head open again, and his brains are leaking onto your geraniums.Nazi Rape Machine

Well, it worked for the Mormons and the Jehovah's Witnesses, so we at the First Church of Hobbits thought door-to-door missions might gain converts, too.Frodo of Aramathea

"I represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild..."Thomas Wilde

My mom sent me to ask how you lost 10 lbs. in the ass since the last panel.Gen. Sedgwick

789 Elm Street? All right, who asked for a "dwarf with a whip." Come on, I haven't got all day.Zebra

I dunna ken what ye done widdem, but ah wunt me bagpipes back!paTRICK heSTER

My mommy wanted me to tell you that one of your idiot, look-alike sons is taking a shit in the same place in our yard as your shoeless husband does.F. Jackie

I'm not usually one to complain about personal hygiene.. but when it starts creeping out through the zipper it's really time to trim that thing.Bastage

Hi, I'm from the Campbell's Soup ad on page 29. I was just wandering through the comics section and couldn't help noticing your husband there is reading a newspaper! Does that just blow away your concept of reality or what?Norm DePlume

I'm confused. Bil told me I was an African girl, but my 'family' is a bunch of Mexicans, except for my Chinese mom. Which token minority am I supposed to be today?Pastor of Muppets

It all came back to Thel in an instant! 1990! The July 4th weekend! Way too much to drink! Waking up next to The King from The Wizard Of Id! Damn those adoption agency people! Bill Versteegen

Thel! It's me! Your younger self! Quickly, my DeLorean is parked over there! We'll go back and you'll be banging Prince Valiant within the hour!Bill Versteegen

Could you please ask Billy to stop shooting arrows into my ass?Myke

You asked me to tell if you anything strange happened in the nieghborhood. Well, two men in suits and parabolic mikes have rented the house next door. Where's my five bucks?MYke

My mom told me to tell you that 'it's one thing to tell your kids to jump our fence and play in our pool, and quite another to tell them to do it at night with cinder blocks tied to their ankles.' And that you should come over with a net.Stefan Jones

...and if you buy a hundred boxes of cookies, I won't tell the police about that man with thick glasses and no eyes who gave me fifty cents to smell by bicycle seat.The Lawyer

...And if you don't tell that sick fuck to stop peekin' in my bathroom window while I'm poopin', there's gonna be trouble of Biblical proportions.Bob Schmalfeldt

I've been appointed by Girl Scout Troop #132 to ask if Mr. Keane can come out and play.Toozday

Is that your dog ravaging my Mommy?Toozday

Ha! You can't tell which of your kids I am, can you, Mrs. Fuck Birth Control!slacker

Yeah, I know they're not that big, but the sick fuck you're married to gave me breasts, so I think he should be the one to tell my mom.Hugh Jass

Momma! After all these years searching, I've finally located you. Your hair is JUST as I had imagined it...ChoppingBlock

Is Dolly home? She lost a bet and owes a lot of us girls a lot of lovin'.anon

I just found a body down by the river. Can Billy come out and poke it with a stick?anon

Look, I don't care how drunk the dumb son of a bitch when he placed the order, he's gotta pay for the fucking band candy whether he likes or not. Now stop dicking me around and go get the bum.Jojo the Spiv

Hi. I'm from the church down the street. I'm here to rebuke you. Out! Out! Begone, demon family!Roy

Hi! Can Bil come out and fuck?CanCan

Bil knew the second the knock reached his ear, that "special night" in Reno came back to haunt him. jack gray

Though the loss of the child's finger was tragic, Thel was simply fed up with that joke.Roy

I'm from down the block. I just wanted to see what a "homewrecking, herpes-laden food stamp whore" looked like.Riff

Y'know they say "the grass is always greener", but I'll be fucked if your grass isn't always white!Riff

Buy my Girl scout cookies or I set the monkeys loose!Riff

An' when I grow up, my 'fro will be out to there!Riff

Hi...are you Mrs. Keane? My Women's Studies teacher told me to come by and take a look around. Yeeesh! Lesson learned!Rotter

Hey, is this the house with the woman with the hair...oh yes! It really IS worse than mine!The decapitated Milo Bloom

Billy fell off the roof trying to get the basketball back down. Do you have another ball?Rotter

Can Dolly and her dildos come out to play?Tazabby

"Hi, I'm androgynous!"DBH

'As yet another hidiously deformed mutant appeared at her door Thel drew her foot back. This one would clear the mailbox.'DBH

That bad man over there drew me to look just like your two melon-headed sons....'cept with long hair! You tell him if he doesn't stop it I'm gonna call my daddy's lawyer!anon

There IS a God!! I've found hideous freaks just like me! Praise be!Don Spudleone

I look stupid??? Take a closer look, Thel. This is how you look, ya freak!Don Spudleone

I'm telling you Lady. You say "Aw, how cute" one more time and it's your ass!WoofWolf

Hi. I'm just here to distract you while the repo-men take your car. Bye.Greg J

Thank you for finally answering the doorbell. Now would you please GET YOUR HOUSE OFF MY FOOT?!Dave the Fave

Would you please tell your Alzheimer's-stricken husband that until he draws the house across the street, I CAN'T GO HOME!Dave the Fave

Pardon me, is this the set for the all-dwarf version of " Gilligan's Island "?Doc Evil

For the love of God, lady; would you please tell Bil to put his shoes back on? The whole neighborhood's on Bio-Hazard alert, for crissake!Doc Evil

It's me, JEFFY!I know it's the middle of July, Mommy! But it's never too early for Halloween...is it?! Hee hee! Oh, fuck it! You aren't buying a word of this, are you?!Bill Versteegen

Hi neighbor lady! My mom told me to tell the guy who lives here that she won't return his shoes 'til he gives back all of her panties he stole from the laundry hamper!not elsie

Don't give me that "Billy's grounded for a week" shit! Where's my fucking alimony check? Blaine C

Back to the DFC Archive index