DFC #170

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Hello, Denture of the Month Club?!Rainman

Hello? Is this Shelly Winters? Gosh I loved your work in the Posiden Adventure! Anyway, I was wondering if you would like to make a guest appearance on the DFC? Its fine, wholesome family fun that's a definite career boost!Huggy Bear - Hollywood Agent Extrordinaire

"Hello, Thel? Mabel here. Oh, fine, fine. And you? That's good, good. Say, I was wondering, could you tell your husband to stop sending me threatening letters and pictures of himself masturbating? Thanks.Jason D. Sinclair

Of course Grammy loves you to pieces Dolly. I wouldn't miss your first suicide attempt for anything in the world.anon

Today on DFC, a special appearance by J. Edgar Hoover...... In drag.Rimbaud

Just out of sheer curiosity, Granny...Did he ring twice?Doc Evil

No, gran'ma, I'm not sending you another letter. If the mailman hasn't screwed you by now, he never will!Schickelgruber

Gramma, it says if you don't give us a hundred dollars, you'll never see us again alivve.anon

No, Grandma. That's a picture of Barfy and its Mozart's Symphony No. 41 in C Major. Mom was right. You really are a dipshit.tbone33

Bil's syndicator looked over next week's "cartoons" as she listened to his "Billy drew these during my vacation" pitch. Geez, she thought, why can't he just admit he was drunk like everyone else?Mike Smith

I just got the thank you note. I'm glad the kids are enjoying thier 'Hustler' subscription...geezer

Some lady in "Family Circus" or Mr. Wilson from "Dennis the Menace" in Drag?anon

So Billy sent a drawing, and PJ sent an original composition for string quartet. Have you seen RAIN MAN, darling?Charlie Steinhice

Playing the part of "Thel" today is Rosanne.Tazabby

Actually, that stuff was supposed to go to our other grandma. She's the one we really love.Tazabby

That's gonna cover all our birthdays and Christmas thank-you notes. Take it or leave it, you nagging old hag!Tazabby

Thel dear, I just wanted to remind you that the threatening letter and drawing from the children are in direct violation of the restraining order.Anastasia

You did get it? Okay, help us settle a bet. Dolly says you're so lonely and pathetic that you probably ripped it open and read it before the mailman was even out of the driveway.tbone33

Well into her senior years, Thel enjoyed her husband's letters from the mental institution.Preacher/Judge

...And if I find out you looked for "Hallmark" on the back, you're dead, bitch!!The 4-Star Pope

I'm glad you liked it, grandma. Now, for only $24.95 a month, you'll get a letter like this every week, bringing joy and comfort into your otherwise sad and pathetic final years.The 4-Star Pope

Ma'am, you don't know me. My name is Agent Muldar. I'm with the FBI. I have reason to believe you are receiving messages, allegedly from your grandchildren, but actually from an ectoplasmic entity known as "Not Me." Get out of the house. Now.The 4-Star Pope

'Mom took Bil's death unexpectedly hard. She blew up like a blimp and spent her days reading us 'letters from your dad' that she had written and mailed herself.' -- from Circle of Madness: The Autobiography of Dolly KeaneStefan Jones

"Is this the COCKSUCKER residence??? At 121 PUSSY Way??? Zip Code 3212-Fuck YOU??? HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Oh, hang on Gramma, Mommy wants to say hi..."Buoy Toy

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