DFC #181

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"We're on our way to jump the kids from 'For Better Or Worse'. Can we bring you back a stolen tv or somethin'?"oy such a bad boy!

"Lemme guess, Mom. You've been forgetting to send back those cards to the Columbia House Adoption Agency, haven't you?"Jizmo the Wonder Horse

Dammit! I told Jeffy not to paint the sidewalk yellow. Now there's two hundred Munchkins dancing on the front lawn, singing about dead witches and Hostess snack cakes!OM

Minions ready and reporting for duty, Almighty Queen of Darkness! We exist only to follow your command! Um, also, I have to go pee-pee.Schickelgruber

I dunno.. They're all chanting "Pauley! Pauley!". Me, I say we kill em' for the good of society.Prof. Moriarity

Mom...We cut off Barfey's head for soccer practice but it rolls real funny and stuff....can PJ come outside?Psycho Turtle

We're gonna wage a war of attrition on "Calvin & Hobbes". Can you make us a few hundred sandwiches?Jim Smith

Man, those Girl Scouts are fuckin' relentless when it's cookie time!Doc Evil

Th' house is surrounded by pissed off Fisher-Price Little People! RUN FOR YER LIVES!!!!!Doc Evil

These were the last words before the entire city area was reduced to a boil: "Mom! The outdoor discotheque has gone horribly wrong! We have ten seconds before the H-Bomb in the dining room goes off! You've got to do something before we all... um.... um... um... oh, Goddammit, what's the-"Daniel Lanker

It's weird, barfy just grabs 'em by the neck and brings 'em here. Doesn't leave a scratch on them.anon

Geez Ma...y'know how hyper with a pen Bil gets when ya feed him those special brownies!RBByrnes

Look, I'm sorry. But everyone's here, and I promised a keg.Toff

I've been chosen to inform you that the front lawn has been declared a Neo-Bolshevik Commune, and that you, as Bourgoisie Czarist Figurehead, will be executed in 15 minutes. Mass arrests and tortures begin after "Scooby Doo." Where's my Big Chief Tablet-o-Confessions?Piece of Shit Tuna

Now remember, I'm not "Billy," I'm "B-Master One, Pimp to the Stars." Please try not to embarrass me, Mom!Jim Smith

Our extra-credit reading of "The Lottery" sort of got out of hand. Were you real fond of Jeffy?Rotter

Hey, I did the first dozen; you take over. Me, I'm gonna go have a long gargle.Gen. Sedgwick

Hold on Ma,let em get this strait: Dad rented out th' front lawn for aLawn Gnome convention this weekend?!Doc Evil

...so three of them tried me as a substitute. Man, I hate it when Dolly's in heat.itsa pissa

Well, I can't find Waldo. Do you want to give it a shot?nonentity

Mom, how do you say "get the fuck off my property" in Spanish?Kevy

They're here to watch the front door change.Anastasia

"All night SLAVE?" I thought you said "ALL NIGHT RAVE."ChoppingBlock

Alright Mom, it goes like this: Jeffy wants an eigth, Susie needs 5 hits, Johhny needs a QP, Herby needs a new hooka, Jill wants a kilo...Ashe... Housewares

P.J. stared staight past that bastard Billy, whose whiny complaints receeded into the background like a swarm of angry locusts. The concealed MAC 10 caressed P.J.'s armpit longingly. "Like a two-dollar whore," he thought. Repressed memories flooded his fevered brain. His secret life in the Red Berets. Black Ops in Laos. Late night liberties in Bangkok. Russian Roulette at Na Trang prison camp. Bil's beatings--all the while screaming at him about 'patriotism' and 'history', and 'following in Daddy's footsteps'. Well, this would be one birthday party that would go down in the history books.Col. Dingleberry Kurtz

Quick, hide me--they found out I'm the one who created Microsoft Explorer.Kevin

They say if we don't hand over PJ to face trial for his crimes, they're going to burn down the house.Anastasia

Uhhh, Ma, remember that cloning kit you told me I could only use on that frozen Curly Joe tissue to make PJ? I, um, 'test drove' it on the Brown and Van Pelt kids first and now we have a little situation on the lawn.Orrin Bloquy

"It would happen about twice a year- Billy would stand there for hours, praising himself endlessly to the cowed neighborhood kids, while his First Enforcer, P.J., stood there mesmerized, torture kit in hand, waiting for the first hint of independent thought on the children's faces- I wan't at all surprised or sorry when Bil passed out that 'special' kool-aid" - Thel Keane, Circus of HorrorsPensive

I asked and the guy said they're all from the 'Scared Straight' program and they want to know if it'd be okay to tour the house.Jalapeno

Well, the spectacle's over now. Dad's crying in the driveway and Uncle Roy is being booked for Domestic Violence and Disturbing the Peace.phonsux

Well, yeah, you'll be able to buy the car off, but you'll be sore for days!ThreeSwords Delamitri

Refresh my memory: when their eyes glow red and their heads rotate 360 degrees, that's bad, right?ThreeSwords Delamitri

Shit! It's the Scientologists! They know about the website! hoover dam

They've started worshiping me as a god. Could you see if you could find some snacks for them?Frank

Your usual pork-like taste, with a pleasantly surprising hint of fruit and nuts - I guess the guy was a vegitarian. I hope the next postman we get tastes as good!(couldn't resist postman cap) not elsie

One good rain, and they're popping outta the ground like mushrooms! Tell Bil to fire up the mulcher!not elsie

They'll agree not to testify if you up it to a carton of Newports for each kid.The Troll

Bad news, Mom. Dad's child support checks bounced again.Riff

And you thought the roaches were bad!Riff

Talk about your scheduling cock-ups! There are about 30 Johns out there, and they all say they have a 3 o'clock!sigar

"Have Bil and Dolly been 'dancing' in front of the window again, Mom?"Moorlock

The good news is that Barfy finally had her litter of puppies. The bad news is that they all look like Daddy.Timmy

Of course the Red Army knows that the Embassy is officially South Korean soil, but our enthusiasm to apprehend Chairman PJ the traitor is unaffected by international law!Uncle Maria

Mom, are we several hundred feet over the ground or is it just the crack? Colin

Guys. Dad left the door unlocked. Were free! Azazael

"Now this is damn creepy... None of 'em's budged in the last two hours, and I haven't seen a single adult in that whole time... Is the phone still dead? Blast... Maybe if we threw P.J. out the side door it would distract them and the two of us could make it to the car."anon

Well, it was nice knowing you "Mom," but our people have arrived and PJ and I must return to our ancestral homeland....War Gerbil

Uhh, Mom?? It looks like Dad won ALL of his custody battles......Does this mean I'll have to share my room?War Gerbil

After 181 panels, the bit players in the DFC revolted. They stormed the Keene compound. Billy was the first to feel the mobs rath. As he staggerd into the house, his final words were, "See you in the circle in the sky...."John Buchner

The rain's washed all the dotted lines from the neighborhood -- no one can find their way home!Skeezix

Mom! PJ! Help!! There's an angry mob outside threatening to kill me, but the door is too small to fit in the doorway!!!!Tonys dancing clams

Shit, I don't know. They're all saying "USA No. 1" and asking for "Papa Bil". Just what the hell DID he do over in Vietnam?Art Vandelay

"You know when you asked, if everybody else jumped off a bridge, if I would too? Well, we're going."nice personality

Hypothetically speaking, do you think it would be possible to fit a postman in our freezer?Budord T. Justice

Bad news, Mom... the cops busted in at the last second, so we'll have to hold the rave here.Ravecavy

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