DFC #20

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Day 3: My daughter has been trained to beg. She will stand with her mouth open until I give her a treat. This is more amusing than I hoped.Felix W.

Gee, I didn't think that dad would go out cold after just one smack with a book, but you sure proved me wrong, mom. J-rad

Even if Tolstoy's wife did copy "War And Piece" seven times in longhand, I'm pretty sure it wasn't because her Mommy refused to feed her until she finished!!!Andy Ihnatko

Don't worry, Daddy will never find your treasury certificates. I hid them inside this book on perspective and anatomy.Andy Ihnatko

"Mommy, will you read American Psycho to me again? The part with the nail gun?"skullboy

...and so, under a Title IX ruling, the easement fee on your property can only be assessed at 18.5% of Commonwealth table rate, and not county rate. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got paying clients waiting on hold!!!Andy Ihnatko

Thanks for letting me borrow that Jackie Collins novel. Oh, by the way, Teacher wants to see both you and Dad tomorrow afternoon.Andy Ihnatko

Crap! We were supposed to put two stitches in the mitral valve and we should have done the aortic lavage first, not last! We gotta open Daddy up again right away!Andy Ihnatko

Don't ask me. I have no idea WHAT cutesy comments Keane expects me to make about this unidentifiable blob of shit. Personally, I think he should have let Jeffy handle this one. He seems to work well with the more abstract concepts.Poop

His testicles are pressed in here, next to some wild-flowers.anon

There! I've written my expose on our family "experiences" in the cellar! So whose laughing now, bitch!the brian

Hey you weren't kidding! Your "little black book" is bigger than Heidi's; I guess the McDonalds approach to selling yourself does have its advantages!Rusty Q.

According to the Bible, you're hovering three inches above the ground because either you're afflicted with a dark aspect or you've been granted the power to heal. There's a more obvious answer, but it's nothing I haven't told you before...Andy Ihnatko

It says in Ezekiel 33:22 that you're hovering above the ground as a sign that you're to be the Watchmen for the Israelites. Alternatively, it says in 1 Corinthians 9:25 that Keane can't draw a friggin' polar bear in a snowstorm.Andy Ihnatko

Look, if you won't let me do an exorcism, at least let me slide the Bible under your feet. I mean, do you have to advertise that you've become the willing thrall of Gr'Doth?!?Andy Ihnatko

I STILL don't understand why Heather has two mommies.zazu

Your magick book says we need a young girl's beating heart. We don't have... why are you looking at me like that?Dan

It's the "Contract With America". I found it under "fiction".zazu

It's called "Cartoon Backgrounds Made Easy". Make sure that dad reads it.zazu

Daddy's gettin' his 38 now, Mommy, so I'd advise ya ta make your peace with the Lord!anon

Well, the PDR says that for a man of Daddy's size it would take at least 30 grams to kill him.Rishmawy

I swiped it from Hair Cuttery. I think its about time you changed that silly hairdo.Roxanne LeReaux

Why does Daddy call this his "little black book"? It isn't little at all!atomic punk

No, no...you see, it says here that as a point of law, Keane's copyright is for the drawing together with its caption. Therefore, we're not technically violating a published copyright.Andy Ihnatko

"Look, Mommy, I can do the "Levitate" spell already!"Mr. Clean

Do you think it's too late to give Daddy this book on humour?Zarcon, Devourer of Nuts

If I'm supposed to be made in God's image, how come this bible says nothing about God being a dumpy little troll.Zarcon, Devourer of Nuts

Well, now that I've read the complete works of Sarte, all I can say is that this shithole is even more meaningless.Tim K.

Well, if it's such a big secret why is your _Illuminati_Handbook_ sitting on the coffee table?The Unmasked Revenger

Reading? Hell no! I saw a big ass spider around here that needs killing!Nethicus

Mommy, why does Keane give you all the neck? I look like my head is sewn to my damn shoulders.BK

Guess what? This book contains the collected captions of Andy Ihnatko for _this_ cartoon _alone_!anon

The other coven members want to know if we can have some light refreshments after the meeting tonight."John Boy

Mommmmm! PLEASE put the book back under your feet or all those assholes at DFC will make even MORE fun of Daddy's perspective problem!PG

Here's your college diary back Mom. It says dad gave you the orgasm of a lifetime. Do you still have it? What color is it? Can I play with it? Will daddy give me one too?Michael Wyatt

We need to talk... I've been doin' some reading, and it says here that a girl my age should be much taller than her mom's kneecaps.anon

Mommy, can you help me? I can't find the part about "And thou shalt beat thy child nightly with an iron rod, and deprive thy child of both food and drink for a fortnight". Craig

"It's Bill Gates' biography. I found it at the used bookstore, in a big pile marked 'FREE: TAKE ONE'."Paul T. Riddell

"It's either the Necronomicon or a Microsoft management handbook. Either way, we're in big trouble."Paul T. Riddell

Mommy, this Bible says that all the games we play are called "unclean."Kittycat

Mom, where would I find "foaming vaginal discharges?"Len Mizutowicz

I can't find anything that explains the blood running out of my ass and down my leg!Len Mizutowicz

You're not a fashion plate! you're a fashion RISK!zazu

I've reviewed dad's nude studies and all I can say is that you naked on all fours with a riding crop shoved up your ass can hardly be considered tasteful!zazu

Wow, Mom! A "Naked Lunch" pop-up book! What a terrific birthday!placentahead

The 'Anarchist Cook Book' says that we can use moth balls, amonia, and a little ether. I figure we'll need about 90 seconds of fuse to get safely out of the blast area.John Boy

Mommy, does someone kill an animal in every Stephen King book?anon

Read me the part where Abraham lies with his daughters again!JimmyO

Back to the DFC Archive index