DFC #218

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"I swear, it was this long! There was no way I was gettin' it in my mouth!"Larry Hastings (I'm sure he was talking about a sandwich)

Yes, I saw th' plant move outta Dad's ways too, but we're probably better off not knowing how or why...Doc Evil

While Bil certainly did enjoy hearing the old Mowtown classics like "Stop! In the name of Love" and while it did keep the other children occupied, deep down he knew that Billy's obsession with Diana Ross could only lead to bad things.bobo

PJ felt a rush of cold wind pass through his body, and knew he must be sensing Billy's restless ghost, which was doomed to haunt panel 218 for all eternity.marty gray

Billy took three suspects into custody, and then let the police dogs sniff them out. Barfy soon found who had two pounds of Prime Peruvian Sugar taped under her armpits.--Jester

Wanna see my impression of a really bad mime? " Help me! I'm trapped in an invisible box!!! " Thank you, I'm here all week...Doc Evil

"I should know what they're up to," thought Bil, "I drew them, after all." His gaze transfixed on Billy's smooth, round ass, however, and he was completely unable to focus on anything else. Heath

Here's how it went at the bath house. I had a cock in each hand like this and... why thank you PJ for helping out with the rest of the visuals!Schmuck

"No, no, no!! It's all wrong! It's 'Just one singular sensation' step kick step turn!!! Not 'Just one singular sensation' step kick turn step!!! Jesus Christ people, we have a show to put on !!! I need a Goddamn cigarette.sINad (back in the saddle again)

O.K. When he finds Thel's severed head in the trash, we all yell "SURPRISE!!!"The Most Rev. HolyOley

Okay, just turn and walk slowly away, Daddy's been doing gin and crank all morning and that's another letter from Thel's lawyer.Bil's drinking buddy

"Paycheck Time! You second rate bananas get behind me!"phonsux

Bil stared in awe as Billy executed the "U Can't Touch This" dance to a tee.Mighty Owl

Dear Sir, You have been the victim of a cruel hoax perpetrated by the government. The children aren't yours. They are really experiments of a secret bio-weapons think tank. You ARE in danger. Leave as soon as you can without arrousing any suspicion. Go to . . . . phonsux

Bil's so damn egotistical! What other cartoonist hangs his own cartoons on the refrigerator or bulletin boards?!!Mr. Ben

It's a new restraining order. Everyone back up 100 more feet.Teratogen

"On the count of three we rush the old man, push quickly on his kneecaps, swarm him and clean all the meat off in fifty seconds or less".Night of the Pirhana Children

How am I every gonna train to be a rock concert bouncer if you dumb-fucks won't mosh?? Vice Pope Doug

Okay, I'll explain it again...This is the cartoonist that married the crackwhore that gave birth to the kids that sodomized the dogs that chewed holes in the condom that was worn by the mailman that had sex with the crackwhore that gave birth to the kids...agm

Keep back! Bil always flies into an uncontrollable rage when the child support bills for those Van Pelt bastards comes in.BretttMaverick

And here we see a poor creature who nature has been cruel too: Bil, the man with no eyeballs! Now, in the next tent, for only 50 cents, is our main attraction: Thelma the giraffe-necked freak. If you have a weak stomach or a heart condition, I must advise you to exit at this point...alanon

We've secretly replaced this man's drawing table in the hopes he chooses another career. Let's see what happens.anon

Y'all are gonna back me up, right? Someone has to tell him his hometown paper dropped us for the Jumble puzzle.Heath

Now Daddy's reading his LaRouche "newspaper," so just be quiet, and dont' mention the queen of EnglandBill

Oh shit! The DFC is here already. Places! Places! Bil! Bring that damn script over here! Shit, ever since Thel ran off with Funky Winkerbean this strip just never starts on time!anon

It's no use, he's charging $2.00 each for a look at the Brad Pitt Playgirl.JohnBoy

Stand back ladies and gentlemen, no need to crowd! There's plenty of room for everyone to see the hideous "Spectacled Tax Payer"!Livin' In Deep 13

It looks like Bil, talks like Bil and walks like Bil. But the beauty of my new Bilbot is it doesn't get drunk and it doesn't try to rape you in the middle of the night.Anastasia

Swayed by the mighty mental powers of the fern, Billy tried in vain to get the rest of the family to invest their paychecks in Jobe's Plant Spikes.Prof. Moriarity

"Good LORD, PJ, that's some grip!"Heath

Then we brick up the opening, and Bil will never torment us aga... Shit, he's right behind me, isn't he?Capt. Ion

Seeing it was too late to stop Bil, Billy flung himself on his siblings screaming "Get down!" The letter bomb went off a second later, leaving nothing left of Bil but a pair of 70s Hush-Puppies. -Jester

LEAVE! We're trying to invent necks, boobs and a concept known as " aging ."Trevita

I'm telling you, it's Stigmata! Mary Magdalen, I BESEECH THEEEEEE!!!Trevita

..an' this is "pass interference," and whenever Dad draws Mommy mad at us, it's "offsides"...Gen. Sedgwick

Dad just got this month's Penthouse. Now, nobody panic! I've been slipping him some of Jeffy's Rittalin. Everythings gonna be alright.Dogbowl

This long, I swear! How Daddy kept from gagging I'll never know.Gen. Sedgwick

He has a measily quarter on him and all we have to do is 'find it.' CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT HE'S DOING ?Trevita

All right! The show's over! Nothing to see here. Keep moving!Kevy

RUN! He's going to try to draw another Dilbert strip!anon

The " Corn says he must die " schtick doesn't seem t' be workin' anymore... We need a new angle...Doc Evil

Hold back, Keane Gang! My Danger-Sense says "Harsh Editorial Reprimand"!Mighty Owl

We need three of you to move out of the circle! Fire marshal's orders, this panel is beyond capacity! Waaay beyond capacity!Mighty Owl

Don't get your hopes up. He's being audited by the Welfare guys. Once it's all done with, he'll be back to buying beer and smokes, and lounging around in his boxers watching Oprah.Ratman

That's right, pets in back. Bil's in heat, and a bit unpredictable.Mighty Owl

OK, so he's an alkie, a wife beater, and a pedophile. But look! Five fingers on each hand! More than most cartoon families get. He is a good daddy! He is a good daddy!DieBilDie

"Sorry folks, but if you wanna see Bil you gotta be on my list. And you ain't on my list."Shifter

RED LIGHT! You're all fucked, pay up.Toothpick Vic

Bil had seen this scam a hundred times, but was too world-weary to intervene on behalf of his younger children. While BIlly held them transfixed by miming "Man trapped in a box," Barfy went up and down the line lifting wallets and purses.Joe Klein

See? You just have to be nice and civil to him, and he'll draw back your mouths.The Boy

...and this is sign language for: PLEASE DON'T RUN ME OVER WITH YOUR LEXUS!Kelen

Wait for it...Wait for it...now SPIT!Onus

are you gay? i am....Sorry. I have red zone tourettes. Can I start over?analperm

A crowd gathered as faith healer Billy began transforming the neighborhood pets into odd, melonheaded children.Da Mane

I've got this great idea for our first song, too.It's called "Pass the Ditchie." And I wrote it, dig?Trevita

The kids just loved to play "Full Metal Jacket." Billy marched up and down his line of recruits screaming "What in the name of Jesus H. Christ are you numbfucks doing? You, the short sack of shit at the end! What's your name ratface?"-Jester

"Pull my...well shit, now, that won't work, will it?"Evil Overlord Jones

"Kittycat's in the wrong place, but...sigh...what can you do. Watch as I push Dolly and PJ backwards into the waiting drooly jaws of my fierce hounds of...oh forget it."Evil Overlord Jones

Better back up some more - the industrial strength "Whoopie 3000" has a deafening roar!Ol' Doc bear

Don't worry! Charles Schultz hasn't won a copyright suit against us yet!DrBear

"Now, everyone, be gentle--he's just discovered the concept of furniture."Wildman

"That's the desk where daddy keeps his one good cartoon. He likes to take it out and look at it late at night."Wildman

Move along, folks. Nothing to see here. Man's youthful hopes and dreams being crushed. Nothing to see.Marty Gray

I know everyone wants to look, but you guys are gonna have to back up. The ink's not quite dry yet and Bil paid a helluva lot of money for those clip art lessons.TBone's House O' Screamin' Weasels!!

This is an actual desk and chair in relative proportion to Bill. And during this part of the tour, I'm gonna have to ask you to hold your applause. Tony's Dancing Clams

You guys gotta move back. He wants to draw Thel right here.Hugh Jass

Don't mob me! There's plenty of navel nectar for everyone...Trevita

Now Daddy's not used to doing responsible things, like pay bills and stuff. Let's all do him a big favor and make it seem like it's not a big deal that he's sober and acting like a normal father. Kukla

"Yeah, I know -- Daddy's moonwalk sucks. But he figures the only way he can make this cartoon even whiter is to impersonate Michael Jackson..."nice personality

As the family watched in shock and amazement, PJ grabbed Billy's crotch and effortlessly flipped him backwards over his head."It's all in the wrist!" -nice personality

Back to the DFC Archive index