DFC #219

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

I know how to get rid of stupid caption submissions - instead of throwing them into the red astrix, lets put them on t-shirts and make them wear them!anon

Hey, everybody! I made a cool poem from captions taken from the Stupid Zone! Wanna hear it?Mr. Ben

Jeffy fancied himself the next Shakespeare, but he was too afraid to touch death in his stories. In his version of "Romeo and Juliet", Jeffy had them escape their feuding families by moving to the South Side of Chicago, where they lived on food stamps and $182.37 a month while Romeo kept trying to sell his life story to Hollywood.Mr. Ben

"With the simple use of a Liquid Paper bottle and a little creativity, you can change an offensive t-shirt slogan like 'Good one, you primate!' into something that the whole family can enjoy." - Keene Family Circle Magazine, October 1976bobo

I found mom's list of secret lovers! This page covers "Aardvark" through "Abe".GOYM

I don't think jeffy should be running around like that - this picture has PAPER CUTS and PENCIL WOUNDS written all over it.Puff The Magic Dragon

"Hey! Wanna know how to get the house surrounded by Secret Service agents using only a crayon and a sheet of paper?"Juan Valdez

My new invention- the anagram shirt. Comes with 4777 tiny typefaced anagrams. For example: Moon God, Eat you; One out, gay mood; May go out, do one; Do me! Any goo out?; You note, ma good!; One guy do ma too. Swanee

The Editors at Penthouse Forum were always held spellbound by the crude crayon-scribbled correspondence they received from their most notorious and prolific contributor, Jeffy Keane - a.k.a. "The Red Crotch of Thunder". Stewman

Sorry it's about twenty strips late, Daddy...but did you want that White House security fence drawn fast, or drawn well?Rotter

Billy, Dolly, great news! Broom Hilda has openings for "three hideous little trolls". We're shoe-ins!Anastasia

"I found Daddy passed out on the couch, reeking of cheap beer and even cheaper pursuits. It says 'Memo to myself: Kill the family as they sleep' over and over!"The Visitor

I've written "I will not wear incoherent T-shirts" 100 times. Can I go out and play now?Peon

"We didn't know why Jeffy was so happy all the time--if both my legs had been amputated at the knee, I figure I'd be on painkillers and vodka most of the time. As it turned out, that was his plan too." --from P. J. Keane's book Hilariously Named AutobiographyLarry Hastings

Guess what? An injunction against the lot of you!phonsux

Jack Jimbone, DFC photographer, was delighted to snap this shot of the "Keane Australian Tee" phenomenon, rarely observed in the wild.Mighty Owl

Hey! A crayon and a sheet of college-ruled paper! This makes a life of involuntary celebacy in this single-panel hell nearly tolerable!Whitey Owl

This is the point in the cartoon where Jeff E. Coyote looks down and gravity takes effect.ChAoS

"Hey, does this mean a whole bunch of Keane Family in Australia strips are coming up? Great. Twenty more strips of PJ carrying around a fucking Australia pennant until Dolly rams it down his throat, and the Sydney Opera house in the background of every god-damn panel just so we don't forget where we are...Christ I hate this strip. Maybe dingos will eat Bil.-Jester

"I'd finally finished writing my thesis on A Dialectic Approach to Split Particle Physics, and I rushed to show dad. The next morning I found out he'd put the caption 'Hey Dad! I wanna write a thank-you note to the tooth fairy!' I was crushed. A little boy died that day, and became a bitter man." -Jeff Keane In This Circus, the Clowns are Crying on the Inside--A Familty Circus Memoir-Jester

"Phrenology 1049, lesson 1. Cranial Capacity and its Relation to Intelligence. Tests among first-grade children have connected the size of the forehead to the capacity for intelligence and logical thought. Hence our first slide..."Evil Overlord Jones

I plan to pick up some Australian sailors! Do you think this T-shirt will work?a

"Well, Bil, I've called every name on THIS page of the Melbourne phone book, and they all think the shirt is stupid too... HAH!"anon

Mom, look at the shirt Uncle Roy got me at NAMBLA camp!yakko (goin' for the obvious)

"Check my presentation for show and tell! Here are all the scientific names of all the small animals and insects that got trapped in my cuffs over the years."Mister Sinister

"Yes, folks, remember that name -- Keane Family Condoms: We're good on your mate!"Evil Overlord Jones

Hey Dolly, The DFC published my manifesto! Up yours!Hodge

As Forrest's leg braces crumpled and fell behind him, he believed he could go anywhere. toothpick Vic

I know it's mom's lipstick, but I needed "Knock me down and fuck me" red to draw a Viper...Orion the Hunter

I figgered out that Australia is like Gramma's pussy -- everyone knows it's down there, but nobody cares very much!Vice Pope Doug

When the little lever on Jeffy's stomach was in the "mate" position, all the family knew to watch out.nonentity

'Ow to speak Ausralian: 'Omosexualjedi mind trip

Hey, everybody! I'm gonna be one of those crazed Jesus freaks that writes incredibly long manifestos with graphomaniacal intensity and then goes postal and wastes an entire McDonald's. Wanna see?Anti-Christ

Good news! My list of infectious sexual diseases is down to one page.living a lie

Unidentified young man smiling after getting Yahoo Serious to sign his Men at Work binder while still clutching the Energizer battey Jacko gave him. --Photo highlights of Australiafest '97sigar

"Yo Daddy Pops! Jeffy in the Mutherfuckin' House!!!"almost cool

Compulsively logging my bowel movements is fun! anon

Hey, Dad, I just discovered anit-gravity! Wanna see the math?Joe Z

I had lusty man-sex with Paul Hogan, and all I got was this crappy T-Shirt!Paul "Crocodile" Reed

"You know how to say 'Difficult Zone' in Australian?"Moorlock

Frozen in amber for countless aeons, this flawless Homo melonheadus specimen is said by many to resemble a human child.Moorlock

Good news!! The warranty on my bionic thumb is still in effect!!The 4-Star Pope

This Spanish Inquisition game is FUN!! Billy just confessed to the Albigensian heresy! We got any lighter fluid?The 4-Star Pope

Although the saying on his T-shirt made absolutey no sense and his pants were still rolled up to his knees, Jeffy was thrilled that his new outfit didn't inculde a certain plaid jacketTony's Dancing Clams

I just got word from my agent that I've been cast in "Home Alone 4"!! Shit, where IS everyone?Tortelvis Grenkle

Jeffy, desperate for a chance to leave the strip, raced to submit his application for the role of "Oddly Shaped Child" in the upcoming 'Doonesbury: Duke's Bad Trip' sequence.Podbeing

The science fair people said my levitation theory was "BS" but the "pity prize" was this neat t shirt!Skywise

My first chain letter! God bless us, every one!Trevita

Hey everybody. I just won $7.50 at the chess match. So being a melon headed geek is paying off after all!gamer

Hey Uncle Roy, how many P's in pedophile?The whiner

Jeffy had taken some bad trips before, but this one was a dozey. I mean, running on the moon with Shidler's list wearing a goofy tee-shirt? He had to stop mixing PCP with with Heroin.anon

Ah, looks like Bil's on an Aussie kick! Guess he's on his eighth Foster's this morning.Ratman

How I get this big-ass head through a shirt colar everyday, I'll never know! But here are some of my theories...Trevita

Mommy! I beat a confession out of Billy. He's really "Not Me."Bubba

Hey everybody my transfer's been approved! I'm going to be the new mom in "Baby Blues."DieBilDie

So, while Dolly and Billy strung Bil up in his den, I took care of the suicide note. The cops never suspected until that damn Doctor Quincy got nosey.Jeffy Keane, The Deadly Circle

Not only did I get a clean bill of health but I had a great time at the proctologist's!DieBilDie

Michael Jackson answered my fan letter!........Did I ever write him a letter? Trevita

Wheee! I'm gonna stick this crayon right into Billy's neck and then leave this forged suicide note!Bill Hunter

Bil loves Australia. Imagine: 15,000,000 bloated & sunburnt white trash slobs living in miles and miles of tract homes. An entire continent of our demographic!Kukla

Check it out, guys! I drew a picture of a bar code!Doc Evil

...and the back simply reads, "Cunt."~~~~~~~ Mr. Asshole ~~~~~~~

Look! Not only did Paul Hogan give me a promotional t-shirt with his next catchy Australian Tourism Board slogan, but he also gave me a working draft of his latest film and the toe of an aborigine! I think he's simply dreamy!a.holter

Hey, I found out that "Good on you mate" is actually a British idiom, and not just a product of Bil's confused and tenuous grasp of the English language! Who woulda thunk it?S.

Look! Niels Bohr was wrong and I have calculated pr-- Drat!.. My shirt begs for a red asterisk....Ahem. "farty-poop poop."a.holter

There's a loophole in my contract! There's a loophole in my contract!a.holter

Hey! Have YOU registered Libertarian yet? a.holter

"Cesspool that this strip is, frame for frame, I'm still the star!"phonsux

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