DFC #221

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Dibs on the thighs!Tazabby

It's just not fair! I finally got a plaid jacket of my own but no one has even noticed yet.Tazabby

BP 100/40, pulse 95, respiration 60, temperature 105 - hey people, this boy's going to seize - start a lactated Ringers stat wide open, IV lorazepam 2mg over 15, and pump in some cefotaxime 1g IV q8h - hurry people... DAMN, Thel thought, stop watching ER. "You'll be fine honey, just go back to sleep."Nude Dope-smoking Sex Boy from Arkansas

Thel was new at this acupuncture thing, but once her aim improved, she figured to save a lot of money on medical expensesMutantDog's Genetic Anarchy Network

You're right. She'll be with 'Bueller' here for a while. Let's grab the car and get to the liquor shop!anon

Pretty soon, we're all gonna get it. Time to buy some stuff on credit.anon

While I know I should be concerned with Billy's precarious health, I just can't get over the decorating faux pas of using both venetian blinds and curtains on that window.marty gray

No, Jeffy, Billy is the viral incubator. In his body, the C-118 metavirii we implanted will develop until they reach fully lethal potentials, upon which we shall unleash them into the UN Convention and cause global havoc. So no, it wasn't the spam.Dan Jones

"Maybe now you'll remember to do an instrument count before closing the abdominal cavity."Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Do you know you're standing squarely in a pool of Billy's vomit?"Namgubed No, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it the Merry Elf

What's wrong with Billy? Dammit Jeffy, I'm a melon-head, not a doctor!Doc Evil

"I don't care if it's a nasal infection. An enema could'nt hurt, could it?"Paul T. Riddell

"First Dad, now Billy -- I tell ya, Uncle Roy's a carrier!" A silent lump formed in Jeffy's throat.Heath

Thel knew that Billy was beyond all help now. In a rare moment of sympathy she decided to dispatch him with the devastating Reverse Tiger Chop.sigar

Mom, you know it's just alcohol poisoning. You sold him the 3 bottles of Thunderbird, fer chrissakes!Schickelgruber

He keeps talking about how we were all the same, only different. He says Thel was some witch, I was a fucking lion, you were some type of straw lawn ornament, and Jeffy was a Tin lumberjack. The only believable part of the story is that he says Bil was a pink fairy. Toothpick Vic

He hasn't said a word for hours now. Says the last thing he remembers is Jeffy running at him with a crayon, something about Australia, and the hypnotic effect his hair had on him. I don't get it.Toothpick Vic

Sick? I suppose you want us to become enslaved to your every whim, out of misplaced compassion? Ha! Dream on, parasite! Your illness will not interfere with our liberty!-- Ayn Rand Family Circus alanon

I asked her the same question, the reason she's taking care of him is that it's her yeast infection and she feels a triffle guilty.anon

"I don't know why we're bothering--Billy's even greedier than normal with the roach when he's sick. You and I are gettin' one, two tokes, tops."Larry Hastings

He's seven years old, and he still falls for the old "Airplane coming in for a landing," when it's castor oil time.Owell

Mommy is the only one I know who does that better than Bela Lugosi. You have to be Hungarian.Trevita

"Hey! If he only has a cold, why is she checking his pulse??? Dibs on his room!"Juan Valdez

It's popped out! Get your fork, he's done!Saint

Remember the good ol' days when Mom took his temperature rectally?Noonan68

I don't see how can a cigarette help Billy to get over his illness. Do you?Kevy

Billy's too feverish to know that's the dog thermometer. What's Mommy's excuse?Rotter

So now we know that two other things come from Zaire besides zoo monkeys: Ebola and a chance to get my own room!Rotter

I was right, dammit. The Falcons pennant WAS a desperate cry for help.Gen. Sedgwick

Mommy says he's gotta keep smokin weed until his pulse hits 150schmo

I agree with Mommy, Jeffy. If Billy really wants to get better, his prayer must deliver him. Vaccines are the devil's drool.Trevita

If you ask me, Mister "Condoms Don't Feel Natural" got exactly what he deserved.Heath

Billy just doesn't want to go to school because the Crips want his ass!J. Wally Thompson

Billy saw how the syphillis had crippled Thel's hand, and knew it was only a matter of time.J. Wally Thompson

Ever since Dolly decided her hero was Mike Tyson, nobody was safe.J. Wally Van Gogh Thompson

...and that's what you get for tongue-kissing that whore Lucy Van Pelt!J. Wally Thompson

If he dies, you can have the penant, but the framed picture of John Candy is mine.anon.

As Billy fell ill, Barfy's predatory instincts took over. Soon the adult mother would depart, leaving the ill cub at his mercy. He would feast tongiht. --Bil Keane's Wild Kingdon--Jester

"He says he's building up an immunity to Iocaine powder."Dread Pirate Roberts

"Interestingly enough, you can't take someone's pulse with your thumb, because there is also a small pulse in that location. If you were to do such a thing, your own heartbeat would be indistinguishable from the casualty--Oh to Hell with it. he's gay so am i and you pooped--Jester

Billy is dying, Mommy is enamoured with her new tennis bracelet, Barfy's wiping his butt on the rug and I'm mashing my breasts against the bed. What the hell are YOU doing here?Trevita

Well it's kinda like an excorcism Jeffy, 'cept mommy is taking the spirit of Jesus out and replacing it with the Dark Lord. You'll understand on your 7th birthday..anon

Well he may be sick, but he sure did drink Daddy under the table last night.anon

"Hey, Jeff'...the Exorcist caption here is waaaaayy too obvious...what say we skip the DFC for today and chug-a-lug down to the Roasting Bean for a latte?"Dan Jones

Instantly, Billy's blowpipe dropped Thel the Ninja Warrior.Dragoon

Don't worry Jeffy. That "first cigarette of the day" will get him up and going in no time, then he can punch out one of those "Billy takes over for Bil" cartoons, and then we tell that fucking Landlord where to shove his Past Due Notice!Amazing AlKirk

Bil Keane's tenure as the storyboard artist for Ferris Beuller's Day Off was, mercifully, short-lived.ewhac

As Thel read the Last Rites and recorded the time of Billy's death, the children wondered if their family would soon add Necrophilia to their unholy repertoire of sexual delights.wombat

"The ancient prophecies were right! A hellish child, melon of head will fall ill, Flesh of Lilith shall attempt to nurture and a Golden Orb will rise in the North! The end is nigh Jeffy!wombat

Mom can tai' chi all she wants, that fucking kid is hung-over anon

When she holds his left hand and moves her left hand like that, we get the playboy channel for free!anon

No fair, I had the yeast infection of ninja death all last month and no one cared, but Billy gets one little sniffle and it's Sympathy City.Heath

I still can't believe Mom shoved that Dodgers banner all the way down his throat.Anastasia

They're trying to contact Grandpa, but they need more people for a seance.Mr. Ben

You'd think that the gay decor would cheer him up a bit. Well, I'm gonna go chew some asbestos.Mighty Owl

"Look, she's taking the pulse without a watch. I think thats another subtle hint at what she wants for her birthday!"Lord Zombie

"Damn, that apothecary said he'd be dead by dawn! I'm demanding a fucking refund!!!"Lord Zombie

You see? She's showing compassion and demonstrating competence in child care. Now do you believe me about the pod I found in the basement?The 4-Star Pope

Its Mom's new anti-smoking policy. Anybody who gets caught lighting up in the house has their head used as a bongo drum. Mom can play a pretty mean "Bauba-loo" for 7 in the morning.bobo

"No, Jeffy the Falcons play in Atlanta, Georgia. That banner actually says, Felchings. Guess who's favorite uncle brought it back from camp?"phonsux

Having taken on the form of the Mother, the insidious Praying Mantis Creature from Altair 5 waited for the the healthy ones to leave. Then, oh yes, then it would feed!wombat

Let this be a lesson to you, Jeffy. This is what happens when you try to sit through a Tim Allen movie.Preacher/Judge

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