DFC #222

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

I'm a little teapot, short and stout, this is my handle, this is my spout... Christ, I never realized how fuckin' dirty this song is when you sing it with your pecker stickin' out!Schickelgruber

Just curious, but does the "tooth fairy" have really short hair, a bad mustache, and buttless leather chaps?Polaris

..."Which will one day cause our universe to collapse apoun itself. Now can I please go to bed? I've been talking for 3 hours!"The Boy

Well, I made it out again. When are either of you going to learn how to properly hog-tie me?Ingold Denker

Greetings, you stinking starry old sharps. My droogs and I malenky a bit of the ol' in-out.Evil Ed

"Why am I up? Does the phrase 'rectal prolapse' mean anything to you?"Paul T. Riddell

"So how about that menage-a-trois you guys have been promising? I'm totally lubed up."Generik

Ya'know you're the only two people in America who think that Leno is funny? Norman Church

"I just thought you'd like to know that in the movie you're watching, the maid killed Lord Wellington. He had found out about her lesbian relationship with Lady Wellington, so she killed him to protect the secret. The maid leaps out the window to her death before they can arrest her. Good night, and enjoy the movie."--Jester

Does that offer to pay me $50 to narc on Dolly still stand?Heath

I don't care if you don't believe in the Chupacabras, you get your asses up there now and THEN tell me where in hell the east half of my wall went to!Dan biatch Jones

While the humans were distracted, the plant edged itself into one more panel in the Family Circus, one more panel on the way to it's own cartoon, and one more panel on it's way to freedom.The Boy

..cuz you have no eyeballs and you dress like Jerry lewis in "Cinderfella". That's why mom sleeps with me.zazu

Scene from: Psycho 2: The Melon-Headed SlaughterMagus

I know you read it in "Hints from Heloise" but, I'm pretty sure that sitting in front of the open microwave is not going to add any rosiness to those cheeks.TT

"I wanna be a computer scientist when I grow up too, Daddy."Namgubed the Merry Elf

This time Jeffy's dream was different. It had the familiar "Dick Tracy" shading, but this time they all had the legs from "Fred Basset"...Stiles

Hey Nurse Thel! Just so you'll know, you still have a patient upstairs. Not only is he coughing up blood and pinkish-grayish pieces of lung, but he's been screaming for his pain pills for the last 2 hours.Anastasia

I just had a nightmare that Hollywood made a live-action movie about us and hired Ed Asner to play me.Anastasia

Will you PLEASE turn off this "Tales from The Stupid Zone" show off and go to bed already?Mr. Ben (I'm here all week, folks!)

No reason, just idle curiousity, but... do we have like 50 towels, and a really big bucket?Skywise

Look, it IS a little hard to sleep with the FUCKING batsignal on.. could ya turn the spotlight down a notch?Skywise

Even at an early age, Jeffy was proud of his one-man version of "Springtime For Hitler".Paul T. Riddell

Nice pocket protector dad. What now, trying to get Dilbert readers?Schmuck

Have you, for the record, seen the rest of the staircase so I can go to bed already?!Mr. Ben

I keep thinking that I should be worried about the fact that you two keep watching the replay of the bombing at the '96 Olympics, giggling.Ratman

Do you know what's the best part about watching P.J. 's birth video? If you play it backwards, that miserable little stump goes back where he belongs.bobo

Your " Urkel " fetish is startin' to scare th' other kids, Pops...Doc Evil

You know, it's only the concept of post-modern ironic detachment that prevents me from butchering you swine.anon

Better blow, Bil. I have the scanner tuned in and the FBI is 10 minutes away.anon

I know Grease is your favorite movie, but if you sing along to "Greased Lightning" at the top of your lungs one more fuckin' time, there's gonna be a few cans of whoop-ass spilled, capishe?Mr. Ben

Face it Bil. Wrestling's fake. Wrestling will NEVER make it on the sports blooper tapes on the local news! Turn the channel and get a life already!Mr. Ben

(voiceover:) We've replaced Bil's usual backgrounds with shadows, perspective, and some furniture. Let's see what happens.Charlie Steinhice

"Daddy, next week, instead of buying yet another goddamn landscape painting at the Starving Artists exhibit at Howard Johnson's, could you please buy one of those black velvet paintings of nude, skanky-looking Hispanic women sold by Darryl the Druggie out of his pickup near the off-ramp? I would greatly appreciate it."Dave Matthews

His perspective drawing phase was best exemplified by this panel in which we see a desert landscape through the oddly-placed window, logically conflicting with the dark hallway. But try as he might, M.C. Escher he certainly was not. -excerpt from "Five Thumbs and Two Paws Down: the Unauthorized Keane Circus Review"grafcafe dot com

Don't look now, but I think mom just noticed that you shaved your legs. You have two choices: tell her about your secret life, or convince her you joined a swim team.Diggit

Would you say my ass is "insatiable?"Trevita

"Don't ask how it got lost in there, just take me to the god-damn hospital right NOW. I can feel it buzzing it's way up my colon." Jason D. Sinclair

"Riddle for you, Dad: The lamp, the TV and mom. Guess which two you can actually turn on?"El Wonder Horse

I'm really, really sorry. Now, can we talk about removing these handcuffs? I'd like to go to bed.Psycho Smurf

There's a boogeyman under my bed, and I think he took the strap-on out of your room. Could you check for me?alanon

Clip from the upcoming Honey, I combined the Kids' genetic structure with Winnie the Pooh's. alanon

Bend to the will of my hypno-hair...Nothing? Damn, Billy was right, it's on the difficult zone list already!alanon

"When I count to three and snap my fingers, you will both awaken fully, feeling totally refreshed, and, oh, what the hell. You will cluck like a chicken for ten seconds."Dr. Zam

If you sit too close to the TV, it'll stunt your pants.Riff

Guys, I know it's late. I've been tossing and turning, trying to figure out how to tell you this, so I guess I'll just spit it out. I tested HIV-positive. You both should head down to the clinic pronto - and bring the dog!Riff

Look at you two! Watching "ER" while you could be busy makin' more white children. Mighty Owl

Daddy, I need a glass of...OH FUCK! The DFC's here this late? Oh, please don't let them make stupid jokes about this basketball in my pants!Dan Jones

I'm stressed as fuck 'bout my spelling test in the morning. Is it okay if I strangled Kittycat?Vice Pope Doug

Hey, nobody asked ME, but as far as I'm concerned, Jay Leno is nothing but Bob Hope with a bad haircut.anon

The way I see it, PJ was way too young for you guys to really get attached to. Am I right?anon

Hey! We're having a 'Great Books' discussion upstairs. Can you asswipes please turn down McHales' Navy?anon

Oh yeah. The TraveLodge in Washington called. They want the lame desert picture back.anon

So Saint Peter says"Hey we don't get many lawyers up here"! I'm here all week folks!anon

"Black pants, white socks, and brown shoes?! Could you just kill me now, before I breed?"DieBilDie

For the last time: The USA Network is basic cable. The camera will cut away whenever the girls take their tops off. Go...To...BED!!!Rotter

How come in forty years of candid moments, we've never caught you working?Rotter

Oh, that smoke. It's just a Marlboro. I didn't even know you had a stash. Honest.Norm DePlume

What's that? The 24 hour welding channel?Lurch

I'm going out the corner for smokes. Do you guys need anything?Joe Breeden

Hey, furniture! Who's coming over?Ratman

I think I'm growing a tail! Just who is my real father?Ratman

Aha! Just as I suspected! It's only AFTER we're asleep that you bring out the furniture, props, shading, shadows, and perspective. C'mon Bil, ya cheap fuck! Think of your kids once and awhile.Dave

I don't care if you call it "shading." I've never seen it before and I'm not going near it!Peon

Jesus, Thel! What did you put in that chili!?anon

Christ, you guys even have seperate sofas! It's amazing I was ever born!The Mack

You forgot my birthday again. I'm going to live with Big Bird.Trevita

Hey Dad, you drew Mom's legs on yourself again, and you're cuddling with a lamp. Do you still insist you don't have a habit?Chowderhead

Jeffy, coming downstairs to raid the cupboards for some hash and a two-four, had his innocence shattered when he caught his parents, his own parents, indulging in their '100 Huntley Street' habit.Dan Jones

Deep Blue Auto Caption Generator. Input parameters: blinding light from TV, no socks on Bil, unnatural twisting of necks, dark gas emanating from rectal area, rumpled paper on floor, Bob Ross painting, horrid plant hanging in middle of room. Suggested caption: "I gotta go poopy."ferret

The monster under my bed is sayin' it won't kill me if I give it a blow job -- an' I'm feelin' just a little s'picious about that!Vice Pope Doug

Never mind. Nothing major. That primal howl you heard was jus' Billy having a wet dream. In Barfy.Vice Pope Doug

Mommy, has the D-R-U-N-K blown all of the M-O-N-E-Y for this month?Westur the Unspeakable

Daddy, why can't we have a bathroom like normal people? I'm sick of having to go on the paper!Colin

"Yes, O Psychic Fern, I have heard and done your bidding. I have placed the two parental units under my hypnotic control and the others have been sacrificed to your Greater Cause. I only ask that you think well of me when you rule all." DoomTrout

Seems a tree has claimed Billy's life and Dolly is being choked by a clown doll. I dunno where PJ is. Thought I heard him, but I guess it was only the television.ChoppingBlock

Get some ink and lower those cuffs, for Chrissakes! You wanna blind your few remaining readers?Gen. Sedgwick

When you're watching down here, just how much noise do you hear coming from..say...PJ's room?Kukla

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