DFC #226

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Today's Family Circus, with special guest director Quentin Tarantinoanon

...promenade, promenade...punch your partner in his gut, dosey-do, dosey-do...R.J.M.

Despite the Keane family's claim that they were forced at gunpoint to fellate Ida Know, Not Me, and their friends, Heywood Jablowme, Anita Blowjob, and Dick Harder, in a sick orgy of terror, the videotape revealed nothing.Schickelblowme

Knock it off, or no one gets to read Daddy's "Muppets' Tax Guide" when I'm through with it.Schickelgruber

"Hey, hey, there's no need to argue! You're all melonheads!"tv's Spatch

If thats the way you kids are going fight, then nobody is getting a nostril! Do you hear me?! NOBODY!!Tony's Dancing Clams

HEY! ALL YOU DFC-ERS!! KISS MY FILTHY-RICH ASS, YOU COMPUTER-HACKING TWERPS! ...Sorry, kids, that wasn't directed at you. My mouth is drawn open so rarely, I just couldn't waste the opportunity.Schwarzfahrer

Is that whore Lucy Van Pelt really worth all this?Trevita

Knock it off, Billy. He's right. An Imperial Star Destroyer can kick the Enterprise's ass.Robert

Okay Billy, now Simon says a knee to the groin.R.J.M.

The children were so caught up in the fight that only Dolly noticed the real danger -- Giant Bil had noticed them, and Giant Bil was hungry.phil

...frustrated accountant Bil Keene looks through booze-soaked eyes at the melon-headed Hellspawn that rule his life and thinks to himself "Screw it, I'll draw my own family. They'll be cute and charming and say witty things and be syndicated in every newspaper in America!" - caption for the recently discovered test drawing for the Family CircusDelsyn

Let's hope Jeffy 3 can take more punishment than Jeffy 2.Riff

Knock that racket off, or it's scientific experiments for the whole lot of you!R.J.M.

The firing of Sex Pistols bassist Glen "Jeffy" Matlock threw the band into a tailspin from which it never recovered, although Johnny "Billy" Rotten did get his licks in before it was all over."Paul T. Riddell

After countless stupid Jeffy panels, we finally get to see the one we really wanted to see.Pengie

If you're going to eat Jeffy's still-beating heart, would you little shits please remember to use a knife this time?Noah Vail

Hey! If one of you little freaks costs me a dependency, you're dead meat!Jim Smith

They disallowed the deduction for his heart transplant. Yank it out so we can return it! anon

Lemme guess...'Not Me' is beating the shit out of him, right? anon

Good boy Billy, you show him what we do to informants!anon

Everyone was amazed at Billy's uncanny ability to blast broccoli and carrot sticks out of his head at willMoe The Maneater

Whoo-Hoo!! A little violence in this damn house is JUST the thing to get me going again!! That's it Jeffy!! Knee him in the groin!Moe The Maneater

"Hey, Thel? Do we still have Billy's receipt? Looks like he's malfunctioning again!"Big ol' Bob

Is a caption necessary? Seems Bil's just facing the truth here: his family's a living Hell!Shifter

That's good, BIlly. Now give him a good left hook! Right Hook! Left Hook! Make him shit blood!Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

"Thel, get your sorry ass in here and show Jeffy how to knee Billy in the groin."Born Again Rectum

"Billy, you know the rules, no extortion in the house... take it outside."Dysfunktionally Illizerate

"Not, 'Lord of the Flies' again... can't you do, 'Death of a Salesman' or something else for a change?"I stand like a tripod on the beach...

Dolly and Bil were amazed. They had no idea that Billy's recent amputation would not prevent him from winning the title bout. Only PJ was wise enough to choose correctly, and soon he would $70 to show for it.Crisis

Jesus Christ, Billy, when I said that the government wants its pound of flesh, I didn't mean it literally!S.

Desperate for furniture,Billy pounded Jeffy until he had the posture of a Barco-Loungeranon

Maybe next time you'll think twice before you dime me to the IRS, you little fuck!anon

Don't bruise the kidneys, they'll bring us a cool grand each!anon

Dolly! Check his pockets for cash and drugs!anon

WOW! Death and taxes...I love irony.anon

Figured out what 'a carrier' really means, eh son? anon

You know Jeffy, I'd kill you myself, but if don't get this return in the mail tonight, Uncle Sam will really have my ass.anon

Hey Dolly! How about grabbing your dear old Dad another frosty one?anon

I don't CARE what he did! You say he's got a beating coming, I say he's got a beating coming outside! Now scram you melon-headed deductables!Bil's Drinkin' Buddy

Hit him harder! I found a cool way to write off broken ribs!Bil's Drinkin' Buddy

You call that a right hook?Anastasia

Uh, Barfy . . . don't mount the boy. That's my job, ol' chap.Hideo Spanner

The DFC Wrestling Federation presents: TAX WARS! "Blaster" Billy Keane and P.J. the Kid (with Barfy the Extraordinary) battle Cryin' Jeffy and "Butch" Dolly Doll in a Write-off match!Mr. Ben, DFC-WF head booker who loves Rebecca a whole lot

Shut up! I'm not listing "mental anguish from endless DFC captions" as a tax write-off!Mr. Ben

Hey, Brat Patrol! How come you choose to have your stupid childish quarrels whenever I'm trying to productively work? God knows I'm too drunk or stoned most of the week, and you guys barely make a sound!Mr. Ben

Hey! Mr. Sinatra wants him roughed up a bit, not killed!The Boy

Bil looked on in disgust at the horrid family he had created: A daughter the size of a footstool, an odd half pac man, half bowling ball as his newborn, and 2 sons who can't keep their sick, sodomizing hands off each other. He knew he must destroy them all.The Boy

I put 200 dollars on you, Jeffy, so you better fucking win!The Boy

If you two cunts don't put it to bed, I swear to God, Mr Belt is going to be visiting from the city of Fuck You! Bil, too tired to write and draw today's script allows David Mamet to take over.anon

The Keane family squabbled noisily as the Psychic Fern's ally Ugly Lamp moved in to alter Bil's tax returns.anon

If you don't quit fighting and shut up, I swear i will turn this pencil around and erase every one of you little fuckers.waldo

The other children, Bil, and even Barfy looked on in shock as Billy actually did beat the stuffing out of Jeffy.Rich Lather

NOT IN THE GUT!!! I'm gonna need that liver in ten years!!!Rotter

"Harder dammit! You're little floorshow is the only thing that's keeping me from going postal right now. So if you want to live to see tommorow hit him harder!!" DieBilDie

In what is possibly the most violent period in DFC history, the Keene family finally snaps at the suggestion of yet another 'Hypno-hair' caption.bobo

Dammit kids, I'm never going to learn to draw Tippy if you keep that racket up!Hodge

Bil was relieved when Billy defended him from Jeffy's abuse. His relief turned to anger when he realized he liked to be bullied by Jeffy. He liked it a lot.Hugh Jass

"Cool it, Billy! Hitler DID have only one ball! Now shut up so I can figure out the plug money Disney gave us last year!"Dave Matthews

Hey kids ... last one alive gets to eat.Schmo

* Gymkata!!! *Doc Evil

OK. Billy does the Tourette's thing, Jeffy's got the epilepsy gig, and PJ's obviously autistic. Dolly, get your butt in gear, and work up a disability shtick. The auditor's coming in ten minutes, and I've got another $15K in medical expenses to justify.Owell

Make it look like the cops did it! This militia won't catch on without a martyr!nonentity

"I thought I told you kids not to play "Gang Rape in Cell Block 5" while I catalog clip art!! You're all in jeopardy of not having any furniture for a week!!"wombat

"OK, Bela. Now in this scene, you're so distracted by the kids fighting, you don't even notice the small flying saucer that's come in through the window." Scene from "Family 9 From Outer Space," an Ed Wood movie.Owell

Will you little asswipes stop that, an' bring me my Stoli? I'm jus' gettin' to the aggravatin' part -- an' we don't want Daddy really aggravated, now do we?Vice Pope Doug

On March 31st 1997, comic artist Bil Keane was finally driven over the edge by the combined tension of income tax evasion, quarrelling children, substance abuse, and a feeling of gross inferiority brought on by years of impotence. He raged through the neighborhood, hospitalizing dozens of well known comic characters, accounting for the "combined strips" of April 1st, 1997. His worst crimes involved doing unspeakable things to the dog Puddles from the Luann strip with a kitchen fork. Retaliation from Luann and her brother Brad have left Keane with permanent and embarassing disabilities. -- from The Sordid Truth Behind the Funny Pages, 1st EditionVice Pope Doug

Goddamn you Jeffy, I put five bucks on you after the way you kicked Dennis the Menace's ass!Vice Pope Doug

I have no shoulders to speak of! Do you hear me? I have no shoulders to speak of!S.

Bil screamed at his hapless kids to keep it down, heedless of the fact that Ida Know and Not Me were escaping from the fray in a puff of smoke.Dr. Zam

Picture snapped right before Cartoon Union mandated cloud of dust and dismembered body parts.Swanee

Hit him again, Billy! Stupid little fuck cost me THOUSANDS by submitting a W-2 for all the trick money he brought in! HypoLuxa

Back to the DFC Archive index