DFC #229

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Strange as it may seem, in our house the monthly re-enactment of the "Trail of Tears" was considered a sacred tradition. I thought it strange until I was about three and a half, when I'm told my parents completted my brainwashing...."--Excerpt from A Keane Sense of Betrayal by Percival Jehosaphat Keane.Ultra-Girl

Amsterdam was great. I bought some nice things, took some great pictures...oh, and I had four children.anon

The Bil-1000 was already turning its left hand into a sword. Soon little melon heads would be rolling cutely in all directions. -- from Family Circle 2: Judgement DayDr. Dude

"The trunk's in the rear of the car, you dumb fuck. Now put the battery back in and go get the rest of the packages."the hunter

Are you still changing the oil? We've been gone two weeks!R.J.M.

And as mother marched us off to church, we watched Dad's gruesome ritual: one pint of antifreeze for the car, one pint of antifreeze for him...-Bill

Okay, the potted plant is already clearly attempting to take over the DFC, and now the Plaid Clothing empire's gotten into the picture. What's next?Magus

"I don't know why I buy them new school clothes every year. They never outgrow their old ones."Heath

One more look at Thel and the kids was all it took. Bil erased them and the car, drew a Porsche and a hot blonde and drove to square cartoon land.Schmuck

Well, we're finally back, Mr. Buy-a-White-Nondescript-Ex-Rent-a-Car-Cuz-it's-Cheaper!Namgubed the Merry Elf

The Phil Donahue resemblance might be uncanny, but he can't fix cars for shit either.Skywise

No luck, honey? OK, give me your other credit card, and I'll give you another hint where your special prize is hidden.alanon

Although Thel was probably kidding, Bil found her idea of hitching the kids up to pull the car attractive. There are four of them... he thought, and with Thel pushing...-Jester

You know Bil, if you'd just put that old junker up on blocks, you wouldn't have to stand out here, unshaven and wearing that filthy flannel shirt, to piss off the neighbors.Coalcracker

You oughta be proud of them. Even P.J. was able to shoplift a bag of pork rinds from the supermarket.Tazabby

Now that you've advanced the car's timing, how about advancing your stupid cartoon's timing by a few decades?Kevin

They just hogtied their first panhandler. Isn't it sweet?Dan Jones

"PJ IS DEAD -- Proof #15: On the cover of their album Whitebread Road, the Keanles are photographed crossing a street. While Dolly, Jeffy, and Billy sport head coverings, PJ has cast his hood off -- a Hindu omen of impending death."Dan Jones

Lessons in logic from the Family Circus: (1) All four children are heavily bundled. (2) Bil is wearing a flannel shirt. (3) Thel is dressed the same as in summer. (4) Therefore, as we've long suspected, Thel Keane is HOT!!!Gen. Sedgwick

You're putting laundry detergent in the carbeurator to clean the engine, huh? Why don't you try drinking some bleach to clean the shit out of your head?Schickelgruber

"I see we're completing our slide into white trash culture?"Larry Hastings

Bil's smiles look more and more like the kind one sees during Special Olympics awards ceremonies.phonsux

"Sure, I'm just a stupid, useless, unskilled housefrau, but at least I know most cars don't run on insecticide."DieBilDie

"Honey, if you want to get on disabliity, you have to stick your hand in the engine when its on."DieBilDie

Bil learned a valuable lession: never simultaneously stare at your wife's tits and stick your hand into a running engine.Royal Canadian Mounted Yaksman

We walk to the mall and give you all day to find another car and you come back with another broken down Wagoneer?Schmo

You know Bil, other cartoonists who do automotive product placements end up with Cadillacs or Explorers or even a VW Golf. You must be the only person this side of Moscow who does ads for a Lada station wagon.bobo

Dad's incompetence was a constant shame, but sometimes it had unexpected benefits. His pathetic attempt to reinvent the 200 mpg carbourator led to us developing leg muscles that would come in handy during the evening of terror that capped his tragic life . -- from Circle of Fear: The Dolly Keane StoryStefan Jones

"We're taking all this stuff from your weeklong 'Buy French' kick to the dump. The tow truck will be here soon for the Peugeot."Jim Ellwanger

Could Thel hear the heart beating in the trunk? Bil thought. Or is it just in my head?CAR

...as long as she remembered finding the 50 gallon drum of lube, I was forced to pretend the car needed daily oil changes... -- Opening the Family Closet - The Secret Years of Bil Keanezapper

Disabling the ignition interlock won't work, "Mr. 5-time DWI"ol doc bear

Oh great! First you try to be Mr. Plumber, now you're pretending you're B.F. Goodwrench...will you PLEASE just stick to pretending you're a cartoonist?!?R.J.M.

You don't have gremlins. What you have is a lack of mechanical knowledge.Anastasia

I'll just leave the smoking remains of your credit rating on the kitchen table, honey...Dr. Zam

While you were Summerizing the car, I was Winterizning the kids!Wyatt

Jesus Suffering Fuck, Bil! Radiator fluid! You're drinking the fucking Radiator fluid??!!!BretttMaverick

The stupid rugrats think it's the dead of winter. The chills of withdrawal are deep indeed.Anonywuss

After the car broke down, we tried to get over the pass on foot. P.J., being the smallest and most tender, was the first to go. In the Footsteps of the Donner Party - A Memoir by William Keane, Jr.Podbeing

So Father could generate this foolish "antifreeze" sight gag, we all ended up with heat exhaustion. Thank God the neighbors finally took pity on us and called the police. Dolly Keane - The Oprah InterviewPodbeing

I just got the "donation" from the homeowners association. We're off to find new property values to plunder!Blue Gargantua

No, no you doof! I did NOT say "Fuck the mechanic, do it yourself from now on" -- what I said was, "I'm fucking the mechanic, so you'll be doing yourself from now on!"Vice Pope Doug

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