DFC #233

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Man-o-man", Dolly thought to herself, "is it just me or is RealAudio getting worse everyday?"bobo

In the event that the cabin loses pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from the compartment above your head. Place it over your mouth and breathe normally, unless you're a melon head. In that case sit on the floor and stick it in your ear.Schmo

"Huuh--huuuh....What are you wearing? Huuh-huuh....Guess what I've got in my hands?" Dolly kept her eye on the tape recorder throughout the sleazy fantasy. All Linus had to do was identify himself once, and she could blackmail her way into a better strip.-Jester

"Hmm." Dolly thought. "Put your ear up to a seashell, and you hear the ocean. Put it up to a cup Mommy was drinking her coffee from and you hear the wails and terror of a tortured, pointless existence."Magus

Have you ever talked to your broker on a can and string? You will. And we'll bring it to you...alanon

The physics don't lie, you can't get over 1200 baud on a cup and a string.anon

Example 21: A young girl in a cramped, hot closet listening for bad TCP/IP patches, 16 hours a day for 25 cents an hour! This cruel labor practice must stop!Ron Martin

Hello, this is Reebock. Get your fucking feet into the damn panel, or you won't get paid for product placement!Tazabby

Dot expertly blocks the deadly laser, saved again by a shield of Thel's indestructable coffee.Steve Savage

Watson, come here. I need you.Mark Lippert

"It puts the... Dammit, Dolly! Play right! IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN...!!"Generik

Dolly, it's the fashion police. Come out with a blanket wrapped around yourself, and no one will get hurt.Peon

Dolly quickly discovered that working as a Time Life operator wasn't all it was cracked up to be.Shifter

"You've reached Billy's answering service...please leave a message after the tug."R.J.M.

Hello, and thanks for calling 1-900-ZWEBL÷7. Since you're intelligent enough to figure out how to... Robert

"There must be at least 2 million paper cup phones in the U.S.", Dolly thought to herself,"and I get the only one with Ross Perot on the other end."bobo

Contrary to popular opinion, earwigs are NOT recommended for the safe removal of excessive earwax...although they're good for the removal of excessive brain tissue, as Dolly would soon learn...Paul T. Riddell

Yet another sad and lonely patron of the Dial-A-Momô hotline...*snif* gawd, I miss "Bloom County"

This week on Mutual of Omaha's WIld Kingdom, we'll watch as a flock of rare Malaysian flying stick insects seek to enter a new nesting ground in their instinctual habitat, the ear of a southeastern Keane's Melonhead.The Outsider

A cup, some string, and the voices in her head were enough to keep Dolly mildly amused for days at a time.Martin Prince

Sure enough, not ten minutes after slipping into shorts and a pair of heavy boots, Dolly gets a call from R. Crumb.Rotter

"...we do currently have a special rate promotion exclusively for cup-and-string users..."Jim Ellwanger

Dolly dejectedly listens to Marcie describing the loss of her virginity to a certain, "Sir." phonsux

with her crudely improvised wiretap device, Dolly heard Castro's plans to thwart the invasion. Dulles refused to listen to a "child" and the rest is history.Radio show

Dolly Keane co-stars in the next James Bond movie as Melon Galore, an evil and clever six year old who fires laser beams out of her ear.Dr. Benway

So this is how they inflate their heads.Sparky

Dolly has a drinking problem.Go watch AIRPLANE (Marlboro)

"Dolly, this is Satan. You want to kill Jeffy... you want to kill your mother... you want to kill your father. The baby... you want to eat the baby. Oh, and when you do this, send your father's credit card number to C. Brown down the street."Waffleburger

Sure, it was cheaper than your usual phone-sex line, but listening to Thel read the ingredients on a box of macaroni just didn't do much for Dolly.Craig (coming out of retirement)

You have reached the police hotline. If your are being murdered, press 1. If you are being robbed, press 2. If you are being routinely sodomized by a pathetic failed cartoonist, his frigid, gold-digging lesbian wife, and their drug-crazed crack-spawn, press 3.BretttMaverick

"Dolly, it's Jeffy! Please, PLEASE let me back in the house, for the love of God! The dogs are chewing my feet off! Please.. *gurgle*" anon

"Microsoft Tech Support - please hold."Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Shit!", thought Dolly, "I know phone sex will be Impossible Zone -- and I was so looking forward to the distraction!"Vice Pope Doug

"That does it!" thought Dolly, "I'm finished with neighborhood ISPs!"Vice Pope Doug

"Hi! You've reached 1-900-TOON-SEX! For Casper the Friendly Necropheliac Ghost, press 1. For Blondie AND Dagwood, press 2. For Mary Worth and a 12" dildo, press 3. For the Dominatrixes in Apartment 3G, press 4..."OM

Dolly listened without remorse at Jeffy upped his offer to a teddy bear, $1.67 in cash, one co-owned share of Microsoft stock, a pair of Lucy Van Pelt's panties and a "good gram" of crank -- to be let back into the panel. Yes indeed, Jeffy had become addicted to the spotlight.Vice Pope Doug

Dolly? Greg. I see you recieved the "Spinnwebe" shorts we sent. Thanks again for all the pictures, Doll. You've been a great help! If you ever need banner advertising, just give us a ring.Riff

Dolly, you really don't want to do this. The world needs laughter. Now just sloooowly inch yourself away from the edge of the rooftop, and we can talk about getting you some counseling ...Riff

Listen to a seashell, and it soulds like the ocean. Listen to a paper cup, and it sounds like a few dozen twisted web users.Riff

Hi; this is Bill Gates. I heard you owned a communications network that I don't control, yet ...Riff

They laughed when she talked of other worlds and SETI, but Dolly would soon be able to prove that the other end of the string terminated in the Vega system.Schmo

My first solo panel in years and I'm stuck with phone jokes or earwax laser cannon jokes. Thanks a fucking lot, Bil!!!Blue Gargantua

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