DFC #236

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

It's not our fault, Mommy. Rush Limbuagh says that because school prayer is no longer enforced, we have no sense of right or wrong.anon

Billy attempts to win back his mother's heart by crooning Kenny Rogers's "Lady."Gruber

Well, blame that idiot Ben at the DFC Wrestling Federation for booking a "winner-breaks-the-antique-heirloom-mirror-with-a-frisbee" match in the house!Mr. Ben (I said I'm sorry!)

Your right, Thel. We will personally BEAT HIS ASS for this insolance!ChoppingBlock

Jeffy, we only have two hours to get an injunction against Bil. Get to the courthouse! Hurry! Run!Mr. Ben

We're sorry Mommy. We promise never to play frisbee with your diaphragm again!Schickelgruber

We gotta wait 15 to 20, with possible time off for good behavior? Well, it's a damn good thing we don't age.Schickelgruber

Mom, I realize that it isn't easy to raise four rambunctious kids in today's modern, hectic world, but if you could find it in your heart to forgive us, I promise I'll anally rape Jeffy until we've both learned our lesson.Alex Mack

"Big whoppin' deal. He can just draw you a new one."Heath

Look, we know it's probably a metaphor, but when Michael Jackson said he was starting with the man in the mirror... well, would YOU take chances?Gen. Sedgwick

We HATE hearing him pant. Can't you just whip us now and him later?Gen. Sedgwick

Wow! I knew dad was going to be pissed, but I didn't know he'd seal us in our own pocket dimension for all eternity.alanon

It's 1997, remember? Threats are tres politically incorrect! What we need is positive reinforcement ... preferably in the form of some Penthouse mags and quality scotch.Vice Pope Doug

When Daddy left he was on a stretcher, dressed as Aunt Bee from Mayberry, with a tube of glue still hanging from his nose -- so chances are he may be a while.Vice Pope Doug

... but ... but .... poor P.J. caught a shard o' glass right in his eye! Popped the sucker like a grape! Kinda puts the mirror in perspective, huh?Vice Pope Doug

"You're bluffing, Thel. If Daddy weren't home, I'd be drawing this strip."Heath

Would it make you feel any better if we told you that by breaking the mirror, we've opened a portal to another dimension? A dimension without Bil, if you know what I mean.Noodle Muffin

"Note the aspirin tablet-like shape of today's panel, indicative of Bil's deeply-held belief that until one accepts God the FATHER into one's life--until God the DADDY gets home, so to speak-- one is just a lost child whose psyche has SHATTERED like a mirror broken by a tossed BEDPAN in a (morally) SICK home, and who must swallow the BITTER MEDICINE of life's travails without any hope." --from One Nostril for the Gospel: The Word According to Bil Keane by some smart-assed alternative artsy type with way too much free time on his friggin' handsDave Matthews

Thel, you find a way to keep him from noticing, and we'll find a way to forget your one-way trip for two to Paris tickets we found behind it.Schmo

"Would it help any if I said that your ass was looking particularly shapely today?"almost cool

"Come on, Thel, you know we don't get mail on Sunday."Heath

But mom, he is home. In fact, he hasn't moved off the couch for days!Bill

Jeffy, she was yelling at ME. I broke the mirror. So what in the fuck are you doing in the guilt fragment with me, you scene-stealing-little-Maculay-Culkin-son-of-a-whore?!? UNION!Trevita

"...But Mommy, don't you remember? Daddy's the one who did this, right after he watched "Apocalypse Now" and drank all that cheap cognac!"Generik

You don't understand, Ms. Keane, the Godfather is fully aware of this tragedy, which is why we extend our generous insurance policy to your home.phil

Jeffy looked sad, but secretly, he was wondering whether double inclusions in single panels were an acceptable substitutes for solo appearances. And if it was, just who was Billy sucking to get a piece of the action?phil

"...And what? He'll sodomize us, then beat us senseless before he passes out in a pool of his own vomit? How will that be different from any other night?"Generik

So, see God, after Thel found the picture, she beat is with a frisbee and that's how we died. I do'wanna go back there, pleeeease?Sphang Ortiz

"Aw mom, could you please see it in your heart to go fuck yourself?"Lee Harvey

"Oh mom, please...give up your hope, your dreams, your aspirations. You know daddy will never come back home."Lee Harvey

"Jesus Christ, Thel! You bought that 'View from a Fjörd' for $10 at a 'Starving Artists' sweatshop. Who cares if Jeffy wants to glue a hubcap to it!"who said that?

Due to public outcry, "Ban the Circle" bars began appearing more frequently across Mr. Keane's cartoons. Comix Illustrated - Industry News Section, May 1997Podbeing

"Not another seven years of neckless melonheaded prepubescence!"Namgubed the Merry Elf

Mom, if you had any idea how many sodomy captions you're inviting when you say that, you'd choose your words more carefully.nonentity

"Get your hand off my fucking shoulder," thought Jeffy. "Getyourhandoffmegetyourhandoffmegetyourhandoffme..."nonentity

As if it wasn't enough that he already appeared in every cartoon, Jeffy's agent began insisting he appeared twice in every cartoon.nonentity

I confess, mom. Jeffy was completely responsible.Tortelvis Grenkle

You mean he can do worse to us than the usual beatings, molestation and neglect?Tazabby

"Note Mommy's pathetic resignation of power to Daddy, the male head of the household. Perhaps some day she will regroup and empower herself. Until then, we will have to bribe Daddy."Bessie Denker

We finally get the hypno-hair curse off Jeffy by smashing the "mirror of manevolence" and all you can do is threaten us? Tazabby

...who knows how long that will be, he's been changing the oil in the car for two weeks now!R.J.M.

"Have a heart, Thel. Would you want any mirrors around with looks like ours?""phonsux

Jeffy, look up there! Do you remember the good old days before DFC? "Just wait till daddy gets home." We were so innocent back in those days. Anyway, I guess it's time to stop reminiscing and get back to skinning PJ.Marlboro

Thel, how likely is it that an anonymous sperm donor is going to walk through that door anytime soon?S.


Aw, Mom . . . please. Starve us, beat us, screw us, sell us to Uncle Roy . . . but PLEASE don't leave your words hanging in the air like that. It's goddamn creepy.Stefan Jones

Here, we see the value of the home survaillance camera. On the left, subject J.K. is clearly seen stuffing broken glass down his pants. The tearful confession, right, will help secure a conviction.Stefan Jones

You've been saying that for weeks now, Mom. Face facts - he's run off with Brenda Starr.Riff

C'mon Mom! Ever since Jeffy's hypno-hair went DZ, we never get to have any fun!Riff

That'll be a while Mom; his next parole hearing's not for another three months!Riff

... if he gets home.Riff

Look, if you don't believe us about Not Me and Ida Know, why should we believe you about Christianity and tobacco?anon

Hmmm, thought Jeffy, till Daddy gets home. ...That's IT! Who says Daddy has to ever get home?Kevin

"Yeah, by the time he gets home, we'll have about 32 gazillion 'metaphor for your shattered life' captions for the dangerous zone."Drew

But hasn't Daddy crumbled into dust now that we've destroyed the magical portrait which kept him from aging?Rotter

But you know he's just going to stand off in the background with a blank expression! Why can't we just get the punchline out of the way and knock off early?Rotter

*sigh* I know. We'll go change into our latex nun costumes and wait in our rooms.Rotter

Mom, compared to our torturous existance to date, seven years of "bad luck" will be like a holiday...BretttMaverick

It really hasn't been the same around here since the Teamsters strike cut off our regular caption deliveries.JWJr (via FedEx)

"The bidder who comes closest to the number of cocaine snorting jokes, without going over, wins the broken mirror, on The DFC is Right!"Anonywuss

"CUT! Thel, dammit, memorize your lines! You're supposed to say 'Now, who did this?' Otherwise, we lose the big Not Me punchline!"Coalcracker

3-P-O! Shut up and listen to me! Shut down all garbage smashers on the detention level! Shut down all garbage smashers on the detention level!Trevita

Do you really believe he can overcome the furious vengeance of General Zod, trapped in the Phantom Zone for so long?Mr. Moody

I was afraid it would come to this. Mommy, me an' Jeffy are seceding.Mighty Owl

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