DFC #237

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Man! Even that disguise didn't cover John Holmes' AIDS!Namgubed the Merry Elf

While the mouth-breathers looked on, Sam had already posulated that the Doctor had failed to consider Boyle's law.Bill

Oh, that's it! Scientists are completely wrong about geostratification AND carbon dating, so the world really IS just 10,000 years old. I knew those dirty scientists were all part of a conspiracy. Thank the Rev for this tape.anon

Wow. Leary was dying then, you can see it all over his face, but he still mustered up the energy to make this tape on how to manufacture your own drugs. What a humanitarian.Anastasia

WOW! The Colonel's recipe is sure complicated!R.J.M.

Mom, I know Bil isn't the world's greatest lover, and I know these physics courses are educational, but this fixation you have about building the world's first nuclear-driven vibrator isn't just wierd, it's dangerous!Orion the Hunter

Uh, Mom, I think it's actually the TV you watch, not the VCR. Bill Hunter

Just think, Thel--one more videotape, you get your law diploma in the mail and you can sue Bil to get our likenesses out of this strip! Sally Struthers is a genius!Coalcracker

...So that's the proper solution for a low-arsenide batch of LSD! I shoulda known Jeffy couldn't tell the difference between "lysergic" and "Lysol"!OM

A sequel to Blackboard Jungle, starring C. Everett Koop?R.J.M.

Fuck the panel... Thel's looking more and more like the Queen from "Aliens", and it's really starting to freak me out!Skywise

"The is the slowest porno video you've brought home yet."Larry Hastings

As the remainder of the Keane family gaped dully at the Physics lecture, the Psychic Fern's special unit Withered Tree watched from the window. Soon they would know all they needed and humans would no longer rule the household...anon

"Taking physics lessons to perfect the swing of your fist or the kick of your foot?"phonsux

"Mom, I think you're missing the pattern here: You are taking more advice from a badly dressed dork with glasses for pupils."phonsux

"Soylent green... hypno-hair... milk cartons?" I didn't know there was a TV show about the Difficult Zone! Coalcracker

Jack Perkins, huh? This dude does it all!Mighty Owl

Given that you're sitting 12 inches away from a 30-inch set, I'd say you need glasses way more than a GED.phil

Wow...he gets a square panel!phil

Whaddaya know, a panel without -- hey, wait, that's him on TV with glasses, a fake beard and an Animatronics body! God, I need Jeffy's agent!phil

Sorry, Thel, I accidently taped some stupid PBS program over your "Firemen in the heat" videoKevy

Thel was having a lot of trouble with the Latin telecourse. Sam, meanwhile, had noticed an error in the third-person subjunctive conjugation of doceo.phil

Hmm... well, when Mr. LaRouche puts it like that, I can see how the Queen of England pushes drugsBill

"Mr. Wizard's full of shit. Change it to 'MacGuyver'. Now that dude knows his science!"agm

"...So methylcellulose actually changes the osmolarity of the cell culture medium, causing it to... Whoa! Look, Mommy! There's that videotape of you an' Daddy playin' escaped convict an' the wardens wife! I thought that was lost!"Generik

"Okay, this geek thinks that the role of non-baryonic dark matter as a quantum fluid explains how we can have walls, and even furniture, but no floor. Fuck the physics. I say it's just because Bil is a drunk and lazy s.o.b."agm

"Furniture? A TV? A fucking VCR, fer chrissakes!? Where in the hell have have you guys been hidin' all this stuff?"Generik

This is great for someone who's under house arrest! The judge makes sure you get an education.Kevy

Hey mom, how about a blow job?..... God DAMN it, my first starring panel without Jeffy in months and that's the best I can do? Fuck, I AM a hack!Castor Troy

Geez, Mom. If we can't even get the nipple server on this new Web TV, then what is the fucking point of even having it?Westur the Unspeakable

...#47 is too old, and he's a musician! What kind of provider would he be? I still think you should take another look at #23: so what if he has a beer gut, he's a butcher, Thel, a butcher!!Lyzza

Isn't it time someone told Perot that he lost?Westur the Unspeakable

I KNOW his theory is compelling, and his eyes do seem to draw you in, but he's talking about riding a comet Mom. Come on now; snap out of it.Light

I see the looting went well last night.agm

I liked Bob Ross better when he was painting happy little trees. These happy little fractions just don't cut it.ferret

Look at that guy... small head, short neck... what a freak. What is this, the Sci-Fi Channel?ferret

Mom, just what do you hope to learn from these Sigmund Freud lecture tapes that doesn't happen in this sick, twisted household every bloody day?ewhac

I don't know Mom....even if Dick Van Dyke "was" a real doctor, I still say that you can't get a medical degree by watching old episodes of "Diagnosis Murder". bobo

Yo!! We's had dat "Ebonics" lessin in da school lass week. Dis id da one dat 'splains int'roggetory sentences like 'I axed you where you going?' an 'Why you be slappin' da homey in his crib?'Orion de Hunter

"I STILL say a ball-peen hammer to Bil's head would be easier than trying to convert the dipstick on his car to a nuclear control rod."Screwloose

MY GOD! You've been hoarding the furniture!Heath

Forget it, Mom. Even if he were my 'real father,' which I doubt 'cuz he has a neck, it still wouldn't inspire me to do better in math.Stefan Jones

Cool new entertainment center, Mom. So, is that the guy you laid to get it, or is he the next mark?Stefan Jones

I'm sorry, but the letterbox edition simply is truer to the director's original intent.murpes

GED home study tapes? Give it up, Thel, I don't think whorin' and burning meatloaf is on the exam.murpes

This professor only exists on tape, mom. You won't be able to screw him for a passing grade.murpes

I've seen this one - this is where he messes up. The derivative cosign of the sum estimated value is 13.432, not 10.23 like he says.murpes

First we take away foot binding, then you wanna vote. Now you want to learn to read and write! Jeezus, will it never end?murpes

"So that's why the hot side stays hot and the cold side stays cold. But how come the french fries are neither French nor always fried?"Ronald McFugging Donald

"Sure, he sounds credible, but I'm pretty certain that declaring yourself to be a sovereign nation in order to dodge the IRS is illegal."Grizz

Ooh, there is another mistake! Bil's beard is on crooked. I keep telling ya, if you two are going to film pornos in the garage, you need to get a professional crew. Dolly is just not a good make-up artist.Skrote

This pathetic asshole has it all backwards ... the frictional force is equal to mu times the force applied times the cosine of the angle of application ... speaking of which, did you get any more Astro-Glide???Big Dog

Now pay attention dammit! Dr. Kaczynski is going over timing devices today.Dain Bread

Mom, you've been watching this for a month. I don't think he's ever going to tell you how they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar!myke

Botany Class? Can't get enough of Soylent Green, huh?Kevy

Back to the DFC Archive index