DFC #239

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

I can deal with the pop-up wisemen but the scratch-n-sniff desiccated Lazarus is a bit much. Trevita

"HAHAHAHA! Can you believe what it says? HAHAHAHA....'Honor thy...' *snicker* 'mother and....'teeheehee'...and thy father.' HAHAHAHAR! Oh, man, that's just too fuckin' funny...HAHAHAHA..."agm

Question: Is this supposed to make me feel better about the fact that Grampa's ghost is haunting this dump?Coalcracker

... because a black man would never give up a RIB! Haw Haw! -- Mom, you are such a stick in the mud!Duckfoot

Daddy taught me one of the Ten Demandments! "Thou shalt not admit adultery"!Vice Pope Doug

So how long until Disney ruins THIS classic?Mr. Ben (My kingdom for a new punchline!)

You an' Daddy have been playing MYST too much. I refuse to let you trap me in that book!Mr. Ben

..and I remeber me mum reading me the bible. Me favorite bit was when she read me about Jesus and I vidied meself whipping the great white christ and making the red red crovey flow real horrorshow like.. Jeffy X:Case study #114A-12 psychopathic behaviour journalanon

The regular deity was sick today, so we had 46-year old drunk Bil create this universe. Explains a lot, doesn't it?alanon

When do we get to the part about why we had to blow up Dr. Cuthbertson's gynecology clinic?anon

The realization hit him like a thunderbolt. No more hypno-hair captions. Angry messages to spinnwebe. Q rating through the roof. He was overexposed. He was dangerously overexpsoed.Hugh Jass

Are Cain and Abel the original Goofus and Gallant?Kevy

Say, Jesus had great abs! Woof!Siddhartha

It's got a good hook, but it needs a third act.Rotter

C'mon, Mom! If I'd been playing Marathon I'd have shotgunned like 70 demons by now! Can I go?!?Rotter

"Dressing up as a Star Fleet science officer does not add credibility to the story"Adam, madam

Most women would have just shaved their mustacheliving a lie

The H. R. Giger illustrations really make the story come alive!Duckfoot

Whoa! What the hell does a "covenant" have to do with sawing off haffa my pecker? a.holter

Okay, because the "Sons of Abraham" broke the Covenant with the Lord, we must "judge" them, starting with the Synagogue down the street? a.holter

You know, if you bought me a proper study Bible, maybe that blanket-carrying kid wouldn't kick my ass in Old Testament Trivia every day during recess!Rotter

Gee, the version Father Driscoll told us completely skipped over the fundamental superiority of the Aryan race!Rotter

Once again, Bil had one of the little rugrats heartwarmingly mixing up a Bible story, and once again thel had to suppress the urge to beat the child to a bloody pulp with the Book.Rev. Jason N Whitmore

So either we evolved from monkeys or we descended from inbred cracker spawn. Not much of a choice, is there?Madmike "I'll take my chances with the chimps" Hoke

I respect your beliefs, but I'm afraid I find Mayan cosmogony much more convincing. I just know we are the handiwork the Plumed Serpent Gucumatz.Kevin

So if we don't send that card back, we'll automatically get Volume 2: "Noah Does the Woody Allen Thing With His Daughters."anon

Look, if you don't KNOW what a "firmament" is, just admit it.anon

"Did you know the letters of `Bible Story of Creation' can be rearranged to spell `Baboon Fertility Score'?"Kevin

I think I'll try that on Dad's cartoon--`LET THERE BE HUMOR!'Kevin

Actually, God only made black people in his own image. White people are the result of genetic experimentation by a pumpkin-headed scientist named Yacub. Which explains the melon heads.S.

I don't care how much the caligraphy class cost, I'd still rather have furniture than some fancy fucking font.Westur the Unspeakable

"But, Billy said Allah created the world from the corpses of the Aztec gods. Or something like that; we were both pretty strung out at the time."Shifter

"Skip to when Adam 'knows' Eve. And read it slow."Shifter

So Onan masturbated, and God killed him? Don't stand too close to me mommy...my days are numbered!R.J.M.

It took God only six days to create everything...it took daddy two weeks just to change the oil in the car?R.J.M.

So basically, you're nothing but a rib?!R.J.M.

William Jennings Bryan won a case with this stuff? What, was the judge a blow-up doll?I am not Dan Jones

This would be a lot better if, instead of Adam and Eve, it was Boba Fett and Spawn. Mighty Owl

'In the Keane myth cycle, the first man-child sprang from a religious pop-up book read by Thel, the Bitch-Hag manifestation of the Maiden.' -- Joseph Campbell, Cartoonist with a Thousand FacesHideo Spanner

Oh, come on, Thel. Bil created our world, and on the seventh day, he was so blotto that Billy had to draw it.Joe Klein

Let there be a forehead! Let there be a chin! Let there be something between your upper lip and your nose! Dammit, I don't think that stuff works.Norm DePlume

That's a lot of crap to put up with over an apple.ChoppingBlock

I get sodomized daily by my alcoholic father and a black man I'm told to call "Uncle," I'm drawn like a watermelon stuck on top of a sack of flour, my siblings are drug and sex addicts, and my mother is a pencil-necked geek with huge tits that I never get to play with. Why in the fuck do you expect me to believe there's a God?The Lawyer

"You know, we're drug-runners, adulterers, fornicators, and occasionally murderers. We might want to start considering a more lenient religion."Thomas Wilde

It was at that moment that Jeffy realized the horrible truth: Bil Keane and Jack T. Chick were one and the same.spook

"Crap. I thought it said cremation. This shit is boring!"Heath

"Okay, now read it like the Swedish Chef."Heath

"All I know is that if he captions this with something smarny and sentimental about Grandpa, or me wondering if there's 'pasgetty' in heaven, I'm gonna blow this joint. I've got an offer from South Park, you know!"Heath

"See! Even from the start, you apple-loving bitches have been fucking up!"Lord Zombie

"Oh yeah? Well if the church isn't out to get your money, then how come the 'S' in the title is a dollar sign?"Lord Zombie

"I know one thing for sure, if I'd been Adam I woulda slapped the bitch silly."Stuffy

Jeffy an' Eve! It's sposed to say "Jeffy and Eve" -- my fucking agent IS going to hear about THIS!!Vice Pope Doug

Read me the part again where it says buggerin' little kids is okay 'cause of Original Sin -- I'm still havin' a bit of a hard time with that ...Vice Pope Doug

On the seventh day, did God lie on the sofa in his underwear with a bottle of Thunderbird and a stack of gay porno like Daddy on the weekend?BretttMaverick

Oh, this is just great. Not only do we have to listen to the religious opinions of every DFC'er on the Web, we're also gonna have hundreds of lame "Jeffy's been trapped in the book" captions. Why won't somebody just kill me now?Westur the Unspeakable

Waaaait a minute. Have you run this crap by Dr. Hawking yet?The Lawyer

Ok, miss Smartypants. If there really is a God, then how do explain the Microsoft/Apple buyout?Westur the Unspeakable

Wait a minute... Daddy told me it was Adam and Roy.Bubba

Mommy, could God create a load of crap so big that even He couldn't believe it?Westur the Unspeakable

"That's not what Brother Malcolm says!"who said that?

I thought religion was all about Rabbis and Priests playin' golf and goin' to bars an' stuff. This shit is boring!Westur the Unspeakable

How come there's no red asterix section of the Bible. I'll bet God came up with a few stinkers!Westur the Unspeakable

"You are getting sleepy....your eyelids have become very very heavy...when I snap my fingers, you will awaken, renounce God while clucking like a chicken, and get me a Twinkie and some root beer."MutantChickenDog

I assume this is related to the judges ruling?Schmuck

... and on the third day, God separated the circle from the caption, and he sayith "Within this circle will romp the children of god, but within the caption shall be the products of evil".Riff

When did He create the melon?anon

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