DFC #246

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Hey " Not Me "! High five!Doc Evil

Whew! Silly me, I almost answered their phone! Now THAT would be stupid! Now where do the Van pelts keep their valuables?Doc Evil

Hey, somebody better hurry an' pick up, or else I'll miss another demoralizing lecture from my frigid and bitter grandmother. Boo fuckin' hoo. Mighty Owl

It's the phattest answering machine in the land/ it's as big as a baby grand!-- from Jeffy's Home Appliance Rap, available on Bad Boy RecordsMighty Owl

Now, excuse me for getting metaphysical here, but wouldn't the caller at the other end need a VIDEO PHONE to read the word balloon in the first place?Otis

Instead of the instant fame and fortune he so desperately craved, Jeffy received nothing but a lifetime of bitter shame when the "Star Search" judges cruelly ridiculed his answering machine lip-synch act.Stuffy

"I think 'Can't reach the phone' is a more accurate phrase."Sgt. Spam (Geez, I'm out two months and look what happened!)

" I think that's a cruel trick to play that on the suicide help line answering machine, Bil"jerright

Hey!!! Don't look at the answering machine! Look at me! I'm the star! Quit reading the stupid answering machine message! They all say basically the same thing! Look at me!! Me!!!Marlboro

...child unattended we'll probably molest him Shit Dad! You left the NAMBLA tape in the machine again!Schmo

Can't we get some kind of restraining order on Snuffy Smith?Marlboro

The Commissioner left a message on Mutant Boy's answering machine. And five more beyond that. But the supervillainess Diamond Queen would continue to terrorize the city, because Mutant Boy (in his civilian identity as Jeffy Keane) couldn't reach the phone.Thomas Wilde

Yep. They came in here, glued me to the shelf, took all our Soylent Green, made me pull their fingers, and started having phone sex over OUR LINE! Damn those Difficult Zone bandits!Magus

Bil must be down at the bar again. He's leaving prank calls on his own answering machine!Ratman

Jeffy gaped in horror as the lightsaber flew from his grasp. As if to mock him further, Bil used his dark force powers to turn on the answering machine. No one would be answering the phone for quite a while...Bill

Bil, you dolt! When are you going to get it through your vodka-soaked brain that callers can't see your fucking word balloons over the phone?Westur the Unspeakable

Remember, the considerate neighborhood burglar writes down an incoming phone message before taking the answering machine. -- Miss Manners' Guide To Excruciatingly Correct MisdemeanorsRotter

Would somebody get this? If it's that Sally Brown bitch, tell her the fucking child support check is in the mail!Westur the Unspeakable

Unfortunately for Bil Keene, the Jeffy phone never made it as big as the Mickey Mouse phone.anon

...later that year, Jeffy started refering to us all as his 'staff', and began insisting that we screen his calls and handle his appointments. Years later, we would look back on this as the start of the chain of events that led up to the infamous "noodle incident". -- From My Brother, My Nemesis by Billy KeaneWestur the Unspeakable

Bil finally found a way to harness Jeffy's meager brainpower--wiring him into the answering machine.marty gray

Oooh, subtle, Dad. Why not just do like they do in Dick Tracy and draw a little box with an arrow that says "Answering machine"?Gen. Sedgwick

"Mommy, when did you take my 'Sorry we can't come to the phone, because Bil the alcoholic is sodomizing us all right now.' message off here?"almost cool

Hllp! Th'phn crd's wrppd rnd m'nck! Cn't brthh...Gen. Sedgwick

"We never answer the phone when daddy calls from prison. Mommy says we shouldn't give him hope."Lee Harvey

"...inhibitions at the door, you can meet us at the Bil's Brothel for an afternoon of torid sex."Marlboro

Hey! What happened to Daddy's drunken "Suck my dick you assholes" message -- that's been our trademark for years!Vice Pope Doug

"...name and number at the....who am I trying to kid. We're not home. Come kidnap our kids if you want 'em. They're too short to reach the phone, so they're probably here. They'll fetch a good $500 each from any circus."Marlboro

Dad, if you don't stop doing that frickin' Steve Erkel voice on the answering machine, I swear I'll frickin' blow your nuts off.Marlboro

Bil's early version of the "Jeffy Phone" was a complete failure. The Jeffy figure was too tall for desktop use; the outstretched hand was too small to hold the receiver; most people were tired of Jeffy; and those who weren't wanted to see him in a "Good On You Mate" shirt.Joe Klein

A full-size cassette answering machine. Dad, these are the 90s. Feel them. Know them. Live them.anon

Fuck no I won't pick it up. If Spielberg wants me he'll dial my cellphone.Joe Klein

I always knew that your own voice sounds different on tape, but I wish someone would have mentioned that I sound like Kathy Ireland after sucking down a lungfull of helium.Westur the Unspeakable

Yeah, right, I'll just shimmy up this invisible pole I've got right here and answer the phone. For Christ's sake, tell Bil to draw me taller than the goddamn desk- I've got a business to run here!Tangent

I'm tired of talking to the cops! One of you hostages come here and answer it! Tell those fucking pigs I'll blow off everyone's head if my demands aren't met!agm

"Don't pick it up! It'll be either Spinnwebe or the United States Copyright Office!"Tillman

"...An' if anybody leaves a message sayin' their car's wrecked an' their daughter's pregnant, it wasn't me!"Generik

Hold my calls. Dolly and I are going to be busy basking in our run of popularity.agm

As the recorded voice on the answering machine blasted out his attempt to present Marc Antony's famous "Friends, Romans, Countrymen" speech, a young Ted Kaczynski's opinions of technology were forever altered...War Gerbil

1-900-ZWEBLÖ7. Phone sex. Jeffy. Pull my finger. -- Difficult Zone Quick Reference Guide, O'Reilly and Associates, ISBN 1-56592-149-6phil

"It never failed. Even in the middle of a shoot, if someone mentioned heroin, Jeffy was ready for a spike." -- from Keanespotting: The Rise and Drug-Induced Fall of Jeffy Keane by Kitty Kellyphil

Step right up, step right up. step right up! The largest phone outside the old Soviet Bloc! Here it is, you can step right up!Radio Show

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