DFC #248

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

How many NCAA violations can you spot in this panel?Mr. Ben

"Oh boy!" exclaimed Jeffy, "the magic stopwatch works! They're all frozen!"Namgubed the Merry Elf

The plan worked perfectly. As neighbors gathered to watch the unnaturally wholesome tableau, Thel ransacked the neighborhood, hauling away sacks of baked goods and valuables. All in all, the best Thanksgiving ever!The 4-Star Pope

Try as he might, PJ couldn't get any of the "bigs" to notice that, once more, the house had changed its form.The 4-Star Pope

Bil was sure to score a TD. Sam grimaced and assumed the position for the customary "post-game celebration."anon

Hey Billy, you need to move up about 2 feet. Sucking daddy's kneecap will not distract him.Schmuck

All out there: Quit complaining, at least they play better than the fucking Colts.Count On Losing This Sunday

Check out P.J., now THERE'S a pathetic plea for attention...Doc Evil

While the townsfolk did come to Thel's yard sale, they left in a hurry when they realized the family was for sale and not the football.Anastasia

"Wide open? Hell, I was trying to get whatever attention I could! But the depths I sunk to latter were far darker" - excerpt from... The Shadows of Keane... P.J. Remembers.Bil's Drinkin' Buddy

"Quickly, hand me the ball as I ram it up Billy's. . ." No, that's way too easy.Wyvern

Jeffy reached up for the ball--but Bil's head fell into his hands instead. Standing on his shoulders, Dolly rolled her piano wire back up with a satisfied smile.Thomas Wilde

In chaotic confusion Bil scored the touchdown, punted Billy, spiked Dolly...then molested the footbal.R.J.M.

Dolly attempted to tear a chunk out of Bil's cheek while Billy gnawed and ripped at the kneecap. P.J. remained a few yards off, exalting the Gods for the deliverance of this bounty.devvie

"Well," thought Sam, "if Snoopy can play shortstop, then why shouldn't I be the wide receiver here?"Mr. Ben

* GYM-KATA!!! *Doc Evil

"That's right, Daddy, very good! The football is the one without the ponytail! See how much better that works? Lots quieter, too."anon

D. Cheer for the home team in style and comfort with our Lil' Giant g-string, as modeled here by PJ. Its high quality spandex band and comfortable soft-foam thimble are sure to make you the "Big Man on Campus" ..... specify Black, White, or Gray .... $12.95 ea.Big Dog

"Bil! Bil! Jeez, I'm wide open here, Bil! YO, BIL!! Shit! People on 'ludes shouldn't be quarterback..."Tillman

It was all fun and games until Dolly, with a keening wail, leapt from the trees above and onto her father, crushing his spinal column with one sharp blow.Tangent

"Hey, 'Steve Young'! You're just one second away from season-ending arthroscopic surgery!"Jim Ellwanger

DFC Wildlife Fact: The DFC ground Melonhead (Melonious Midgetus) is a pack hunter. Two will distract, then two more leap in, one from above, one from below.Magus

As the Keanes began to perform the Dark Ritual, all the neighborhood dogs began to bark, then wimper, then fell into terrified silence.Magus

*sigh, I know it's Difficult Zone, but here goes:* Tragedy always ensues when you mix football and superglue.Heath

"Why do I draw them all short and stubby? Easy...they'd kick my ass if I didn't."Jenn Dolari

The one time Bil was truly happy was during the annual front yard "NAMBLA Bowl".Vice Pope Doug

Say cheese to the nice p'liceman, Mr. "I don't give a shit about restraining orders"! Federal time! Federal time! Daddy's gonna do some Federal time!!Vice Pope Doug

Don't worry about it, Daddy! The neighbors are just laughin' cause of how your friend Roy looks in the Dallas Cheerleaders outfit!Vice Pope Doug

Game!! Now's my favorite part!! Grab-ass in the locker room, lines of quality blow, and gang-bangin' -- just like real major league players!!Vice Pope Doug

Bil decided the family should be more like the Kennedys. While he and the kids played touch football on the lawn, Thel had an affair with Marilyn Monroe.anon

Jeffy sees a seam and screams wildly for the ball, while PJ is wide open downfield. Unfortunately anything over a foot away is an incomprehensible blur, so Bil keeps for yet another 5 yard loss.MutantDog

Final outcome of the Dysfunctional Bowl: Heroin-addicted midgets: 37, Alcoholic penniless bums: 20.agm

Dad! Why's the football shaped like a head and not a foot?Namgubed the Merry Elf

...and that since the time of the incident, the plaintiff has been forced to wear a neck brace and has had greatly impared use of his left knee. My client is seeking restitution in the form of all the "Ultra-Mega Man" comic books currently in the posession of Mr. William Keane, Jr. and the "My-size Barbie" owned by Miss Dolly Keane.Westur the Unspeakable

What's wrong with this backcover of Highlights? Well, Billy is humping Bil's leg while Sam is trying to tackle him, Dolly is defying the laws of physics, PJ is only slightly larger than the footbal, and Jeffy takes up less than a third of the circle, which is strictly against his contract.nonentity

At the last possible second, Dolly pushed HARD on the jugular. If she had timed it correctly, the resulting loss of conciousness would cause Bil to stumble forward and firmly lodge the football in Jeffy's trachea. We'll be rid of this bastard one way or another!Westur the Unspeakable

In this scene from George Romero's Night of the Living Family Circus a hapless, blank-eyed cartoonist is savagely attacked and eaten by his zombie-like melon-headed spawn.smilindog

But this was nothing compared to the ruckus that the neighbors raised when Bil insited that they play "pants" versus "skins".Westur the Unspeakable

White girls, on the other hand, can jump.Namgubed the Merry Elf

Dolly makes a flying tackle, leaping from the Gumby tree.Namgubed the Little Green Slab

"Can not you see I am wanting the ball? Lines emanate from my forehead! My mouth is wide in expectation!" --The Family Circus, Slovenian TranslationJizmo the Wonder Horse

You can't really blame Barfy for PJ's death... I mean, the kid really did look like pork by-product... what's a dog to do?Opti!

The Museum of Natural Comic History's new exhibit depicts a massive but dimwitted Bilosaurus falling victim to a vicious pack of Keaniraptors. "...that's when the attack comes, from the sides. The point is, you're still alive when they begin to eat you..."Shifter

As Bil froliced with Billy, Jeffy, and Dolly (or as Bil called them, "the ones I like"), P.J. was left defenseless at the edge of the herd. This was, of course, the very instant the dingo chose to strike.Shifter

Jesus fuck, Billy! Knee-biters is just an expression!sigar

Passersby smiled, hypnotized by the Norman Rockwell scene in front of them to the point that they never really wondered why the family dog seemed stuck in that pose.juan valdez

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