DFC #249

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

It's sweeps week again? Already?Yakko

Rectum? Damn near KILLED him!Hans

Worst darn case of "Plumber Butt" I've ever seen.JohnBoy

Hey, if we put a sign on this that says "First Place," then it would be a catastrophe! Ha ha! Get it? "Cat-ass-trophy"? Ah, you guys wouldn't know funny if it bit you in the ass.anon

You see? Situation ethics, man. Putting the lid back down isn't ALWAYS the right thing to do. You just can't prescribe a universal moral code.Kevin

Get me my rubber gloves, I'm goin' in!Doc Evil

I dunno, Bil. I'm thinking maybe we should have tried something a little more glamorous for "Comics Sweeps Week" than a visit from Fat Freddy's Cat.The 4-Star Pope

WOW!! i've never seen a pubic hairball before!! annie

Hey Brown! Can your beagle do this?Mr. Ben

"What is it about us that makes the pets suicidal?"Thomas Wilde

Bil hunched over the drawing board, late that night, working on his revenge. "They want dysfunctional? I'll show 'em dysfunctional, the twisted little fucks!" The resultant "Kittycat On Parade" week's worth of strips caused breakfast-table projectile-vomiting all over America. Meanwhile, the DFC reported record numbers of captions. Bil's plan had failed. For now.Thomas Wilde

``I've played this game: if you press flush, the water drains out and kitty falls in trying to reach it. Only works about five times per cat though.'' -- Bil Keane, just after ``What the fuck, I'll draw it!'' and right before ``since when did Cowles change their phone number?''Rusty Russell

It's astounding! He's already puked roughly three times his physical mass!Doc Evil

Hey Bil? I don't think that the Cartoon Exchange Program is such a good idea. Nobody's heard from Mom ever since we sent her to Jon Arbuckle's place, and Garfield hasn't stopped throwing up since he got here. bobo

"Yeah, we found another shirtless fat guy on IADL."Heath

You know, the first fifteen minutes were funny, but the Tidy-Bowl man is still screaming! Make it stop, mommy; make it stop!Bill

Oh shit, 41 captions and not one uses the word "pussy." If the next 9 don't, I'm out $50.Gen. Sedgwick

Mom, Kittycat's copying off of Grandma again!!Luna

Uncle Roy, your toothpaste dispenser is SO avant garde!Trevita

Only six tequilla shots and the cat's heavin'. What a pussy!Pun intended

More proof that Keane is drawing All Difficult Zone cartoons just to annoy the DFC.Peon

Man, this cat really likes corn!NME

Morning sickness...great! You just had to let her go out with that no good chihuahua!lysdexic

He says he needs a 3/8" wrench.Gen. Sedgwick

Serrano's sculpture,Piss Cat, was not nearly as controversial as his Melon Christ.marty gray

Umm, I've decided I don't want to be in this panel anymore. One of you guys want to do today's cartoon instead? Billy? P.J.? Anyone?agm

I'm not gonna fuck it, you fuck it. Hey lets get Mickey, he'll fuck anything.Schmuck

I want to use the lyrics from Don't it make my brown eye blue here, just can't get it to quite fit.Schmuck

Bil Keane has spent the past three decades drawing heart-warming cartoons that always put a delighted smile on the faces of the American family. 200 years from now, all he'll be remembered for is drawing this particular panel.agm

Look on the bright side...that's a well drawn toliet!Mr. Ben

A-yep! It's definitely time to clean th' bowl!Doc Evil

I dunno, I still think we got gypped by the cat trainer. Sure, Kittycat coughs up his hairballs in the toilet now, but he NEVER flushes!Dave

"Geez, why do I always have to give the cat his bath...my tongue still feels all fuzzy from last time"mutantdog

Aw, mannnn. I had a lock on the part of Linus, you dig? A LOCK. But nooooooo, my agent says. "Peanuts" is going nowhere, he says. Schultz will be drawing cocktail napkins in five years, he says. Bil Keane is Mr. Excitement, he says. Bil Keane is Mr. Happening, he says. Crap.Dave

"Cute. Another goddamn Keane Kodak moment. Thel gets wrecked on peach schnapps & valium, cooks dinner in the toilet, and the morning after I have to deal with this. Somebody help me, I don't have the strength to exist anymore..."Dr. Schmuck

First detected in DFC #248, the mutant STD Bilkeaneus Venerealis was then found in Kittykatt. The symptomatic raised posterior is shown, probably an attempt to relieve the severe imflammation of the urigenital region.not elsie

"If I hadda known that hazing week was gonna be this bad, I never woulda joined the fuckin' Boy Scouts."Dr. Schmuck

Jeffy accidently steps into a Pepsi taste challenge booth.Lee Harvey

What's the matter...cat got your dung?R.J.M.

I'm glad that Kittycat became "Mr. February", but at what cost...BULIMIA...stop the insanity! R.J.M.

"We have a PLUNGER?"Big ol' Bob

Great throw, Mom!Jenn Dolari

OK, Dolly, when I say 'go' press the red button and we'll split the "America's Funniest Drownings" jackpot.Ida Know

"I dunno, Mom, you better forgive Dad, and quick. From the looks of it, he's a very desperate man."tv's Spatch

"Gee, they're right! Pets do start to act like their owners after a while...Bil."Medea

I didn't know you could give a swirly to a cat.Pik

I know, but the accoustics are awesome.Schmo

"PETA Versus NAMBLA -- The Revenge" now available on laserdisc.Schmo

Y'know, Dolly, I gotta tell ya--I'm getting such a hormone rush from having so many of my fetishes in one place, I'm seeing spots.spinn

Attaching Dad's head to the cat after the unfortunate "Piano wire football" incident led to some unexpectedly humorous situations. - from The Family Freakshow by J. KeaneRiff

Here we see Jeffy at that moment when he finds his calling in life "Cat Proctologist" - Moments in Keane HistoryJoe Breeden

Use #1002 for a dead cat .... toilet brush!!!Big Dog

Mom, I think those DFC guys are drawing the cartoons now, not just writing them!murpes

Nobody loves me. Even the cat retches at the sight of my distorted toddler features.Mighty Owel

So what if Blockhead's mutt flies his doghouse through time rifts into German-occupied Poland! Kitty Kat can whistle Carly Simon's 'Anticipation.' Trevita Sweetland

And I thought the world's greatest straight line was "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup"?myke

Most tasteless caption: "Is mom having her period again?"myke

Okay, Uncle Roy's in his costume, now what?myke

"Mom? When did we adopt a velociraptor?"Tangent

When is that stupid cat going to learn: Liquor before beer, never fear; Beer before liquor, never sicker!Noodle Muffin

"Moom... tell kittycat he'd swallow if he loved me."anon

Okay, we can forget about buying the jalapeno-and-chutney cat food again.Doctor Radium

Well, there you have it folks-- dogs do hold their booze longer than cats... pay up, BillyGrmbrand Johnson

Don't feel bad, Kittycat-- that's what I did the first time I caught Bill and Thel in the sack, too...Grmbrand Johnson

Check this out, guys! Kittycat has a red asterick where his sphicter should be! Daaaang...Doc Evil

Do all little boys get woodies lookin' at the cat's bum?Riff

Cool! A no caption necessary pic!phonsux

Jeffy stood awestruck at Duchamp's "Cat Drinking from Toilet Bowl."art critic

Is it too much to ask around here that people should flush when they're through?ewhac

Has anyone else noticed these pets are not anatomically correct? Either that or the vet that fixed this cat does fantastic work.Al

Yeah I know, but it beats mom's cooking!myke

I wish one of you cheap bastards had remembered to pay the cable bill, this sucks!Ragnar the Hammer

Mreoo-OWW!! Pull my tail!!Moe The Maneatr

Mom, Kittycat's sold out to the DFC again.anon

Goldfish, Dad, you flush goldfish when they die!anon

DFC Jeopardy - - Answer: A toilet, Kittycat in the toilet, and Jeffy. Question: What is the Recipe for Impossible Zone Stew, Alex?Noodle Muffin

"Listen, after playing 'Touch Football' with Bil, you'd be linin' up to heave, too." Klean Klothes Keene

Oh, like you've never drank out of the toilet before.S.

Did you ever wonder what's in "cat-gut"?R.J.M.

"You got an N.E.A. grant for this?"Moorlock

Mom, I think our rodent problem is a little worse than we originally thought.Anastasia

So this is hell, huh?Mighty Owl

Aw geez, Bil...what is it, "lowest common denominator week?" Have we been bought out by Rupert Murdoch? What?anon

"Mommy, the cat got into Daddy's half gallon of Thunderbird again, and now he's puking up Meow Mix like fucking Linda Blair!"anon

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