DFC #250

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Forget it, Bil. Some far more talented cartoonist already came up with an idea about a "modern stone-age family."Coalcracker

... Encino Man, then George of the Jungle, and now this. Brendan Fraser is on a type-cast downward spiral.Namgubed the Merry Elf

Stoneage man invents the "Deep G-penetrator"AquaBlue

So, while we're standing here, mom's back in #239, readin' Jeffy The Bible Story of Creation. We'd be talking divorce, right, dad, and the end of this circular hell, if only the sydnicate would allow it? Great eff-in' contract you signed, Bil.Blankenhorn

Is that Michael Jackson before or after the surgeries?R.J.M.

That's not a caveman...it's only a wax figure of Charles Bronson with a wig.R.J.M.

The Museum?!? I thought you were gonna take us to that place with the 50 foot can of Miller Lite!alanon

You think this is good? Check out the next exhibit! They show Cro-Magnon Man inventing the "pull my finger" gag! The 4-Star Pope

Notice the low, sloping shoulders, the slanted forehead, and the drooping posture...Dolly, quit staring at the neanderthal exhibit and listen, dammit.Daniel Jones (Yellow Asterisk Fodder)

So what if Alley Oop bumped you out of the Cartoon Hall of Fame. I hear they turned the One Big Happy exhibit into a washroom.bobo

While we're here learning about primitive life, Jeffy's stuck back in #249 staring at Kittycat's ass. Makes you wonder just who in this family has their heads on straight, right?Mr. Ben

Just got a funny picture in my head. Your head, on a wall, with antlers.Mighty Owl ask about my easy payment plan

Stuffed and mounted, huh? Sounds like Dolly after Thanksgiving dinner!Anastasia

"...Hah, hah, hah... Dont'cha get it, Bil? Neander-thal? Neander-Thel? Christ, Bil, you dislocate one shoulder and all of a sudden it's like you're at a funeral."Shifter

And here we see Dolly's earliest ancestor trying to invent the 'ponytail.'7 Years in Babette

Yeah, pretty buffed, heh heh... Dad? Dad! Get off it! He's made of wax, goddammit!Horselover Fat

Good one, Dad. Just piss on our fundamentalist readership. How much core audience do you think we have left?Horselover Fat

So you see, dad, over the course of history there has never been a species of melon headed man. Now draw us some fucking normal skulls, you hack!Otis

As the Neanderthal in the next cage took center stage, Louie the Lizard became even more embittered about missing the spotlight again.Gen. Sedgwick

"I'd fuck that". You've said that at every display in this place.Schmuck

Dad, I know you're trying to appeal to the younger generation, but those low-slung-with-exposed-boxer-shorts dockers ain't gonna cut the mustard.Westur the Unspeakable

Hey, Dad. That man in the display looks a lot like Uncle Roy ... without the leather and spikes, of course.Noodle Muffin

A cartoon where apes evolved from men?!!Mr. Ben

As Bil and Billy discuss the exhibit, Dolly's wondering just how much meat is under that loincloth...Tillman

Her brother & her father prattled on about the wonders of evolution, but Dolly ignored them. Her thoughts kept drifting back to the Amazon native woman in the other room. agm

How many phallic symbols can you find in this picture? From "Where's Phaldo" by Bil KeaneSchmo

"Actually I was just wondering where you picked up this keen piece of clip art..."[chud]

"You see, Bil? That's what we mean by finding your core competency and developing it."Adam, madam

"...and it's also amazing to consider that the guy has more equity than you. And he smells better."Dr. Schmuck

Superior race, my ass, Bil. That guy descended from YOU!dan.jones

Bil? Bil!? You're trippin' into the mirror, Bil! Snap out of it!NeanderDolly

The best part is that it isn't hyperbole when Mom says this guy's better than you. She's had him!Roy

Daddy, can we evolve when we grow up?anon

"...and another similarity-he looks just like you when you're fixin' your car, except he seems to be havin' more success. Ha-haaa-ha! Oh c'mon, Dad. Just a joke, calm the fuck down."Dr. Schmuck

Billy had enough ... here was indisputable proof that he should have five fingers on each hand... so he curled up his misdrawn mitt and prepared to punch Bil square in the nuts.....Big Dog

Kinda looks like one of my cartoons, huh?Namgubed the Merry Elf

... but if we make ourselves visible to them, that might violate the Prime Directive, Captain.Namgubed the Merry Elf

... which reminds me -- Mom said we need to call the fridge repair man.Namgubed the Merry Elf

Bil had signed the papers which would allow the U.S. government to acquire his melonheaded freak children for a series of unimaginable experiments. The charade of a museum visit would make the transition as natural as possible. Bil saw the agents approaching and thought "Not a moment too soon".Dr. Schmuck

Come on, Dad! Give us your 'Evolution is Not True Science' spiel again!Namgubed the Merry Elf

Thanks a lot, Dad -- even your drawing of a primitive wax figure looks more intelligent than we do!Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Yeah, I know, the museum is as boring as fuck. So you'll probably love working here as a night caretaker-you can drink, puke & masturbate all you want. But remember, nothing will happen until you find the nerve to hand in that job application-so give it a try."Dr. Schmuck

"Give it up, will ya? This ain't Disneyland. You know it, I know it an' even Dolly knows it, and carrying the fucking Disneyland brochure isn't fooling anyone-except maybe yourself."Dr. Schmuck

"I don't give a shit what the media says-the Rolling Stones are BACK & better than ever! Keith's looking well, isn't he?"Dr. Schmuck

Man, and I thought mom had a hairy back!Westur the Unspeakable

Dad?DAD?!?! Oh shit, Dolly, he's got that look in his eye again.Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

"Hey Bil! Why did you draw a neanderthal with clothing? They didn't wear clothing! You can't draw a dick, can you?"Tillman

So, let me see if I understand: It's OK for a neanderthal in a museum to crouch in a loincloth, but it's not OK for a cartoonist in a board meeting, right?Westur the Unspeakable

Okay, maybe this exhibit will help make it clearer ... the male of the family is the provider. He doesn't sit around drunk and in his underwear all day long.murpes

"Hey dad, how much money did you get when you posed for that?"macb3th

You know, I really don't see much of an improvement here.Tazabby

Wow! With those hairy palms, I can certainly guess what he's been doing!Tazabby

Look on the bright side, Bil -- sure, he may have a rudimentary knowledge of tool-use, a better fashion sense, and an actual functioning shoulder and deltoid muscle, but you've got...well...um...hey, let's check out the dinosaurs!Sir Chuck

"I know it's not enough to say you're a loser, but gee, dad, even Alley Oop makes better money collecting dust in this place than you do doodling."phonsux

"Eons later and we're still squatting over dildos, just indoors with less hair."Ingold Denker

"So, as prehistoric man evolved, his primitive sloped forehead grew, allowing larger cranial capacity. You hear that? About the foreheads? They grew! Hey! You fucking imbecile! It's like talking to a three-year old."Cole Mitchell

Let me get this straight. Necks are a primitive structure lost through evolution, and the only reason you have one is that you're actually 1,000,000 years old and are the immortal genius responsible for all art and culture. Yeah, Bil. Surrrre.Hideo Spanner

As Billy distracted his father, Jeffy grabbed the jawbone in the neighboring exhibit. He slashed Bil's weak middle-aged legs to shreds. Jackal-like, the children pounced, savagely cannibalizing their father.Mighty Owl

"Hey Dad, d'ya think we could... Dad? ...Dad? ...Hey Dolly, check it out -Bil's been hypnotised by another caveman ass."Shifter

"Now I know why mom always laughs so hard when you suggest the "cave man fantasy." She wants someone with a bod like that, and a pink, hairless, flabby guy like you just don't feed the bulldog."Stuffy

I'm going to take Dolly outside now before she wets herself.Heath

See Bil, 50,000 years ago they couldn't draw furniture either. Don't you feel a little less of a failure now? Ragnar the Hammer

AHAHAHAH! Ok, Bil; Tell me who actually drew this background!Terminus

"...and he's unemployed, an' he stinks, an' he hangs around in his underwear all day and it looks like he's busy working on his 'wood'. Shit, Dad-check the program, he MUST be a Keane!"Dr. Schmuck

"Wow! That's one hell of a loaf that guy just pinched-those si'ntists preserve everything!"Dr. Schmuck

"Stop givin' me that sad, resigned look. I'm taking a piss on the floor to 'mark my territory'. Learning is fun, so lighten up already!"Dr. Schmuck

"This reminds me of the time uncle Roy took us to one of these, except at that one you had to put money in and there was a naked lady inside takin' Polaroids of us."Dr. Schmuck

"Jesus Christ! You look like shit, Dad."Gruber

And a thousand voices rose in a single chant "So *THAT'S* where our melon-heads come from!"who said that?

Just imagine! No laws! No organized religeon! No moralists! No societal dictates whatsoever! Behold Primitive Man: the ORIGINAL PANSEXUAL!......Daddy, why are you crying?7 Years in Pompei

I ain't lyin', Daddy! Every time you look away, he lifts his loin cloth and bangs his pudd against the glass!Trevita

The primitive proto-human could make fire whenever he wanted, whereas you have to protitute your own children just to pay the gas bill. Now do you understand why I'm so bitter about the whole 'evolution' thing?Westur the Unspeakable

Wow! I knew you had trouble with premature ejaculation, but we're not even home yet!Westur the Unspeakable

...and as a celebratory remark for our 250th time in this little circular slice of Hell, I'd like to personally let you know that, as a man, as a father, and as a cartoonist, you have absolutely nothing on him.The Outsider

Every limbo boy and girl, all around the limbo world....John Buchner

Hey! It's that guy at th' Flea Market who sells th' used Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis games!Doc Evil

Waiddaminute! You're telling me that Gran'ma didn't pose for this? It's just too coincidental..anon

"Great likeness of Neil Young! Grunge to the max, huh, Dad?"Randall

"Look, Bil, all I know is Larson made millions drawin' these guys. 'Course he was funny."Generik

"Well, where the fuck did the black monolith fit in, then?"tv's Spatch

Bil Keane, ever the conservative proselytizer, takes the family to the Rush Limbaugh museum for a little wholesome right-wing indoctrination. "Mega-dittoes!" says Billy.Jacksinn

Hot damn, Bil! Now I understand what you mean by "Homo Erectus"!Hans

Back to the DFC Archive index