DFC #26

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Gee, grandma. You sure used to have a lot of children. Who would've thought they'd all suffer from sudden infant death syndrome?Slapnad

Wow, grandma. In these old photos, you look kind of like Betty Rubble. Nowadays, you just look like a fat, wrinkled piece of shit.Sponge Monkey

How come all daddy's pictures of you have red scribbles and the eyeballs cut out?Ninja'a'a

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, show me all of Keane's drawings that weren't funny at all!anon

Mom, you really let yourself go. You look so much better in that picture up there.Rev. Trashy.

Ya know, these Magic Eye people really aren't trying as hard as they used toAlex McClung

Why does Billy keep drawing pictures of Daddy chasing him with his pants down Grandma?Binky

UNGH! The childlike drawings... bringing back flood of memories of abuse... THE VOICES! STOP THE VOICES! ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!!!Dan

Hey! What happened to my pitcher of Kitty-Cat ripping the wings off our parakeet?Kurt L.

It's a good thing that we screen Daddy's pictures before he mails them to his publisher.the brian

The inkblot on the top looks like... dad, sodomizing Jeffy again. Come to think of it, they all do. Mr. Groovy

Now I understand why you have final approval over Dad's cartoon submissions.Kyosuke

"Good Lord, you mean you actually KEEP this crap?"Stephen Lee

From these, I'd guess the stalker is a white male ... unemployed ... age 7 or 8 ... with stunted limbs and a distorted, melon-shaped cranium. Trism

"Man, crappy drawing runs in the family."Jeffy

"You should look closer at Billy's drawings before you hang them up. Mommy and Daddy send him to a pskyatrist now."jeffy

"I drew that kitty by holding a crayon in my bottom."jeffy

Yeah, you're right--if it's not in a circle, it's shit.the Shagman

"I'm not looking at you 'till you lose that weight you've gained, Mom."Tim Harrod

"$20,000 by 2 PM or we send you his right hand," "$50,000 by 5 or we send you the ears," "$100,000 by midnight or his legs arrive in a trombone case"...see? If we just keep stalling, we'll eventually have all of Billy back without paying a cent!Andy Ihnatko

OK, I guess I'll take a "Daddy At Werk," four coloring-book pages for the geezers, six assorted "I Lov You"s...oh, crap, Mother's Day's coming. OK, throw in a "Werld's Gratest Mommy," too. Do you take Amex?Andy Ihnatko

"I call this one Unloved As A Child. It shows my--I mean, the--plaintive cries of, uh, an ignored, unwanted daughter."Larry Hastings

Okay, we'll move "Friends" to Sunday nights, opposite the Simpsons, and axe "The Single Guy." Now there's room for a two hour "ER" block...Daniel Krause

I know you're there, Grandma. Yank my ponytail one more time and I'm flushing your dentures down the toilet.anon

*SIGH* if I had this worthless shit hangin' in a SoHo gallery, I could make a fortune.zazu

Strange how all of Jeffy's puerile scribblings depict at least one homicidal act against a member of this family. zazu

It's so hard to capture angst and torture with finger paints.zazu

Maelstrom of confusion? Naw, it just plain sucks.zazu

Dammit Grandma, I can hear what you're doing back there, and I already said no. You might as well just start doing those buttons back up, 'cause it ain't gonna happen!Blake

Your artwork is certainly improving, Grandma... this one of Daddy is magnificent, though you were a bit generous in the trouser snake department.ferret

It's no good. I've been staring at these pictures of the crime scene for 30 minutes, and I'm getting nowhere. Let's go over the forensics again.Craig

No, Officer! None of these look like him! Hire a real sketch artist instead of Billy, for God's sake!Roy Johnson

Look, without any text to contextualize it, it's just kitsch. If you put it up just like this it'll go straight into Mirsky's.Horselover Fat

God, I remember this one, it was my first acid trip. I thought my magenta crayon was giving me messages from Arcturus.Horselover Fat

Mommy, why does Billy keep drawing me with blood gushing down my chest?Freddy Krueger

Hey, I've got a copyright on this one! And this one! Boy, are you in a shit-load of trouble!anon

You know, now that you put the artwork side-by-side, I gotta believe you. How long do you think Billy's been drawing Cathy, anyway?Andy Ihnatko

Dolly looked in horror, as her dazed mind realized that even though her ten separate personalities all had their own distinct drawing styles, all were just as wretched with a pen and paper as her own father.Pete B.

Wow! The Feds really HAVE cut the budget! Just LOOK at these wanted posters!anon

This sucks eggs, Grandma! Can I watch MTV yet?anon

No, no more dick jokes. How about if we do a caption about Bil's perspective problem; they always seem to make it on.Greg J

Hey look! Billy's stick man has three legs!anon

Well, I can take credit for some of them, but Jeffy drew the chesty babes on the hood of the pickup truck.zapper

Good thing Jeffy's practicing...Daddy is on a bender again.anon

"Willie, the one-eyed snake"? Throw this caption in the stupid pile!Greg J

Alright, here are the plans. Grandma, you distract the guard from the North Entrance. I'll crawl in the air duct, and Billy will drive the getaway tricycle...Cosmo

Ya know, I finally figured out why you laugh every time Billy puts, "I Love Ewe!" on the bottom of his pictures.Daphnis & Cloe

Back to the DFC Archive index