DFC #264

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Charlie always attacks at night.... Charlie always sets ambushes in the kitchen... This tripwire's our only chance... Damn you, CHARLIE! Ooops--acid flashback. Sorry, Thel.Rappin' Rickey V.

"This oughta slow those damned speeder bikes down!"Thomas Wilde

As I see it, it's no fun until someone loses an eye.Roy

Jeffy WON'T be running down the halls anymore!R.J.M.

There's got to be a better way to get rid of gran'ma's varicose veins!Namgubed the Merry Elf

See? I toldja I could decapitate P.J. with the Slinky!Doc Evil

Two seconds later, Billy crashed into the china cabinet and broke all of Thel's commemorative plates, which led to the establishment of tougher sanctions and the 'No Ski' zone.Westur the Unspeakable

Look ma, by using sheer mind-power I've become capable of focusing alpha-particles into a highly condesed beam of... hey, move those dishes, I can't see your tits.A very Special Blossom

Thel frowned. She had accepted the assault weapons and the establishment of a 'defensive perimiter', but she knew that the laying of primer cord directly into the C4 storage bunker could only lead to trouble.Westur the Unspeakable

Well waddaya know, the small intestine really does stretch 100 feet...at least Jeffy's does.Goon

Thel knew instantly that the phrase "led around by his balls" had been used once too often around the dinner table, and that if the neighbors had seen, there would be yet another visit from Child Protective Services in the near future.Westur the Unspeakable

As a superhero crime fighter, "Horizontal Bungee Boy", was more amusing than successful. Still, Thel thought, It keeps him away from all that damn kryptonite.Westur the Unspeakable

We all thought it was funny when Billy stole a blanket from the Van Pelt boy and unraveled it into one long string. Forty minutes and one high-powered rifle later, no one was laughing. -- Dolly Keane: Black Sunday.Westur the Unspeakable

Aw, Nintendo 64 just isn't much fun when you're farsighted...Rotter

Here, Mom. Hold this while I put Kittycat in the "cat-a-pulp".Namgubed the Merry Elf

I've heard of tying a string to a doorknob to pull teeth, but are your sure it works with hemmorrhoids??Action Jackson

"Mental note to self;" thought Thel, "When dominating a client who wants his genital weight limits expanded, make sure the kids are out of the room."Dr. Schmuck

"Please Mom, don't let them reposess the TV-it's the only respite we have in our rotten lives! Dammit, don't just stand there-DO SOMETHING!! Blow the goddamn repo man-take your clothes...aw, what's the use? Her Valium is peaking."Dr. Schmuck

"Two seconds later, Dolly let go of her end and the rubber band caught Billy right in the eye. I was laughing so hard I peed right in my pants and Bil had to drive the little moron to the emergency room. This one incident made all thirty hours of labor worthwhile." -- Thelma Keane, Guilty PleasuresWestur the Unspeakable

Another Mother-Son chat is ruined when Billy is Tazered into submission by the DEA.Ferris

As Thel saw Billy yanking on the phone and singing Deutschland Uber Alles, Jeffy dressed as a clown, Dolly apparently unconscious, and all three pets shaved -- she knew better than to ask any questions.Vice Pope Doug

His name is Roy, an' he served in Desert Storm an' he lives in a box an' he likes wine an' he says Daddy is handsome, an' he doesn't throw up all that much. Can he stay?Vice Pope Doug - hoppin' down memory lane.

Bil's latest experiment had failed miserably - the "Clockwork Billy" burst its mainspring after one sight of Thel's whoppers.Riff

Mooom! Tell Dolly to let go of my intestines!Riff

Her name is Sally Forth. I won her from her husband in a Russian Roulette tournament. He says she'll stop cryin' as soon as we get her drunk.Vice Pope Doug

Man, this gerbil is a bitch!murpes

I'm testing Jeffy's belly button piercing. Why do you ask?Mr. Ben

Because "Mr. Fantastic" Reed Richards is going around asking people to pull his finger. Why?Mr. Ben

Mom, I hear they have pacemakers now that run on batteries. Can we consider it?murpes

I'll be damned! Jeffy's hair is actually only one strand!murpes

"Ha, ha, ha!!! Boy, the ol' 'string tied to the bottle' trick never fails to sucker Pop in, huh Mom?"Podbeing

Ya know, its just not water skiing without the skiis water or boat...Al

"Well Dolly said 'If you don't get off that damn Sega and let me watch Ellen I'm gonna shove it so far up your ass Sonic comes outta your nose' and Jeffy, naturally enough, thought she was bluffing..."nine elle

"Well, while Dad's got the sheep here, I figured I could just knit myself something besides this dorky sweater to wear for once."nine elle

The melon children were beginning to sprout vines. Soon it would be time to harvest.nine elle

Did Daddy have this nose hair problem when you married him?10K Nuns and Orphans

In this rare footage, we see Thel before her controversial neck implants.alanon

Must...block...radiation...Must...protect...genes...oh hell, as if this family's DNA could get any worse.Kevin Bergeson

"It's our Legend of the Overfiend Fun Home Play Set. I'm helping wind the tentacles back up for Dolly."tv's Spatch

We shouldn't wait this long before harvesting Jeffy's next tapeworm. Could you open the back door, please?Adam, madam

Back to the DFC Archive index