DFC #285

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Hmmmm...because of alcoholism in the family you will lose everything and be forced into cannibalism to survive...it's a good thing we have so many kids, huh Bil?R.J.M.

"Free ten-hour trial on America Online, pick up CD at counter..."Dan Jones

"Frames will fry out of littre girl's butt in next cartoon...." Dolly, did you order the Kung Pao Beef again?War Gerbil

"The man behind you has been stalking you for weeks, and he has a gun... IN BED!"Magus

Despite PJ's gentle pleadings and Dolly's not-so-subtle editorial comments, Thel belted out "Tie A Yellow Ribbon" once more for the crowd.Dan Jones

"Yooouuu....arrrreee...goooiinnngg....ttoooo..." Bil wondered if he should cut Thel's prozac intake?Godzone

Well, Bil, it looks like Bacon-head here has tapeworms. Either that or liver flukes. Still think we can't afford that water filter, Mister Frugal?godot

Mother smoking a joint. Daughter trying to stick her fist in her mouth. Billy with a fork in his eye. Bil writing out a payoff check. Man, with all these subplots we could write a Quientin Tarrintino movie...Rick and Dan

"'As you read, this, thousands of pencil-necked computer geeks are making fun of your head and insulting your son's hair.' Oh, these fortune cookies are always so unclear. This could apply to ANYONE!"Magus

Thel cracked open the fortune cookie. Under the seat is a Glock 9mm, she read. Put at least two bullets in Bil and each of the children. Leave through the window in the mens room. You have five minutes. -- from La Femme Thelmathe infamous tms

"It had to end," he wrote on the back of a check. "I regret nothing. Roy, I always loved you." Ten minutes later, General Cyanide's Chicken had done its work.phil

Yes, Jeffy, your fortune says the same thing as Billy's and Dolly's. "Shut up and behave or you'll be shipped off to forced labor camps in occupied Tibet." What a coincidence!The Outsider

Christ! These "You may have won ten million dollars" people are everywhere these days!Mr. Ben

Daddy? When you tip 15% of the "total bill," does that include the $20 bounced-check fee?Rotter

What the -- Damn, these process servers are getting clever. Better start packing again.Gen. Sedgwick

This cartoon contradicted Bil's assertion that he and Thel had no warning signs that Dolly was bulimic.Gen. Sedgwick

It says " We see you induce vomit in bathroom and go back for more buffet. You pay extra, WHITE DEVIL."Trevita

"The funny thing is, Bil, the funny thing is, after doing a genuine Chinese cluster-fuck with the waiters in the kitchen, it's an hour later and I want to do it again!" Bil's facial tic spasmed once, as he pondered whether to raise or lower the tip.Galahad

No, Bil, I remember the inflection perfectly. What you said was, "Marry me and I promise you a fortune, Cookie."Norm DePlume

"Meet me in the mensroom. I'll be wearing the scarlet ascot." This one's for you Bil.Eat yerself fitter

"We will pay prime dollar for the little pudgy one with hair like bacon."Eat yerself fitter

I still say you could put dog shit in a really hot vindaloo and I'd never know the difference.Action (sahib) Jackson

It reads "Middle son will tip over in 10 seconds."hugh jass

"Your food was drugged and you and your children will soon be sold into white slavery." I should be so lucky.General Tso

"Confucius say "Dad hung like Imp. Get laid elsewhere."Arby

Bil smiled smugly. The inexperienced chef, the blowfish, the demand for "clean plates"..It wasn't a check he was happily signing, but rather a mass melonhead death certificate.excerpt from "What Family?: One man's Guide to Freedom"Arby

Your life is a twisted hell of pain and horror, your only respite shallow fits of dark, brooding ennui...in bed.Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg

"Please enjoy your Nice Melonhead Life: The glorious and typical of White Refuse culture."nice personality

"'You will marry a failed, alcoholic, sexually deviant cartoonist, raise a litter of deformed sub-human spawn, and curse the day you were born.' Gee, Bil, I remember having this exact same fortune right before our first date."Podbeing

"Look at Bil. He's been trying to figure 15% of our check for the last 40 minutes. Now I see why we don't eat out more often"Westur the Unspeakable

'You give me five dollar, I love you long time.' Oh, how sweet. That was exactly what I said to you when we first met, Bil."Dr. Schmuck

Jeffy reeled back in shock-usually Thel would wait until after they were in the car before sparkin' up a fat blunt.Dr. Schmuck

"'Thousands of computer users will portray you as a sex-crazed barbituate addict with brain-damaged children and a homosexual pedophile husband.' Boy, don't you hate it when you get the same one twice?"Jizmo the Wonder Horse

PJ, before the cock crows this night, you will betray me three times...Nethicus

Having been driven to the breaking point by his son shrilly screaming "Moo goo on you, mate!", Bil calmly makes out a list of objects to permanently imbed in Jeffy's rectum.Jizmo the Wonder Horse

"Jeffy is a glory-grabbing little dipshit". Like we didn't know that. These things are rigged.Vice Pope Doug

"You get free meal because you supply doggy. Please not be mad. Car was unlock."Vice Pope Doug

"Your melon-headed children will have incestuous relationships with their drunken father while his estranged lover dresses in drag as a waitress to try and see him despite the restraining order." Jesus, tell me something I don't know.nonentity

...yup, the paper's turned pink. Wonder if our waitress will feel so smug about peeing in our coffee when we tell her parents she's pregnant.Rotter

"Vely Pletty Lady is..." wait, why would they use a bad Jerry Lewis oriental accent when they type??Rotter

Damn, I got the exact same fortune I got the last time the DFC got a "Fortune Cookie" gag...same with everyone else?Rotter

"Don't look now, but your unfaithful husband is using the last check to buy off the waitress for cheap sex."Mr. Ben

"Your body will be perfectly preserved in a European peat bog for millennia and will be an invaluable aid to future paleontologists in tracing the course of human evolution." That's a GOOD fortune, Jeffy.soon

"It says: 'Warning: MacDonald's coffee may be hot. Don't sue us if you drop it in your lap, dammit!'"The Rabid Rabbi

"Hmm. Let's see. Confucius say, fortune cookie caption joke already done, melonhead gaijin. Lucky numbers: 1, 6, 17, 24, 26, 32. I think this is yours, Bil."tv's Spatch

Lemme get this straight--the Keanes can actually afford to eat at restaurants? At all-white Chinese restaurants? And Bil knows how to write a check?! Sheesh, the Warren Report is more believable than this cartoon! Dave Matthews

It says "Don't even try forging a check and running out, Keane -- there's a hidden camera in the plant behind your son."Paul Roub

"You have a tumor in your brain and it's increasing the pressure in your skull." IN BED! No... Wait... That doesn't work.Doppelganger

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