DFC #294

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Mom, we're being haunted by the ghost of Santa Claus' midget brother."Magus

Oh yeah - Newt called, said he thought we we're leaning slightly to the left and to knock it off....Yakko

The syndicate called...They want one definite television set in the panel from now on!Mr. Ben McClellan

Looks like I owe Not Me! & Ida Know a HUGE freakin' apology...Doc Evil

"Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, Dad. Why ar .. oh, dammit, Dad, if we're gonna be ripping off Bloom County this week, could you at least draw me a purple Snorklewacker instead of this testicular growth?"tv's Spatch, keeping the spirit of Berke alive

Dad, I need a pair of pajamas with a stupid slogan!Namgubed the Merry Elf

Thel, did I mention we were supposed to meet the Colombians this morning?Darth Vader, Lord of the Dance

"Mom! Dad! I got my first spectral rectal!"anonymous

My lord Satan has commanded me to disembowel you both...whose first?R.J.M.

Oh, yeah. I've been suspended for three days and I need to make a "Get Well" card for Teacher. And I'm sorry about losing Dad's chain saw. 'Night.cgk

On a fateful November Eve, Billy completes his transformation into Macho Man Randy Savage.Nethicus of the Eternal Slim Jim

Mommy, a message came for you this morning. Something about the tests coming back positive, and you having... um... 24 hours to live, I think. Something like that. G'night.Thany

"Dad called and said he'd be home tonight instead of tomorrow, so you should probably give 'John' there the boot."Larry Hastings

When you said "put the cat out" what exactly did you want me to put the cat out of?Bubba

"Didn't we spray for O Yeahs just a month ago?"The Rabid Rabbi

I've just been informed that O. Yeah! has just been assigned to us. God Damn! and O. Shit! were just recalled to "Hi & Lois".bobo

I don't care what you say, the new replacement for Grandpa's ghost looks nothing like him!Livin' In Deep 13

May I have another cup of methadone? My 'lucinations keep waking me up.PD Lathe

I forgot to put in that sell order for Daddy's Oracle stock. I think we're gonna hafta live in a tent again for a while.Vice Pope Doug

'member how you asked me to remind you to pick up Jeffy from pre-school 'cause those junior high kids were going to rape and abuse him again?Vice pope Doug

I forgot to tell you -- Gramma died of a massive surreal-bra hemmorhage, 'cording to the hospital, anyway. Can I have her pr'scriptions??Vice Pope Doug

Mom. Dad. I've been meaning to tell you. I'm gay, and my lover is a invisible little spirit guy named "O. Yeah."Bobbed Peter

It's because she has no eyebrows! That's why Whoopi Goldberg's so creepy-looking!Rotter

Notice that whenever Bil is sportin' wood, Billy automatically comes rushing into the room, mouth wide open.agm

Billy Keane's PSA to all in SpinnwebeLand: always play safe -- if you don't have a condom, borrow one from the 'rents.Stealth

I don't mind the spirtits of the dammed walking the house at night, or the dual levels of reality, or dad becoming a pod person, or even blinds and curtains on every single window in the house, but could someone please loosen these bondage collars before I pass out from oxygen deprivation?Space Mutant

Dad, where do we keep the invisible K-Y?Paul Roub

Perplexed through the fog of sleep, Bill and Thel were unable to answer the dreaded question, "If God made us in his own image, is he a walking casaba melon, too?"jedi mind trip

Mommy, you know how you said if I ever dosed too much and started freakin' hardcore, that you'd talk me down ...?Vice Pope Doug

Sorry. I forgot to untie Barfy from the rear bumper before you went to the store. Man, I've never seen that many ants in my life! Yuck!Vice Pope Doug

Say what you like about Bil, it's amazing how he can balance an entire pocket universe on the tip of a hard on, especially lying in bed with THEL.Archimedes

Since there's a spectre for every other stock phrase in this household, shouldn't there be a "Get off me, Daddy!" ghost?Anon E. Muss

As much as Thel disliked the sleep disruptions, she knew her Internet newsletter depended on Billy's middle-of-the-night conspiracy-theory insights.soon

The Angel Moroni, wizened with age since his famous night visitation to young Joseph Smith's bedside, now informed Billy he was to be the Prophet, Seer and Revelator of a new dispensation.alf-anon

I just remembered! I don't have any sloganed T-shirts for tomorrow!M

"If mathematical conjecture about time being the fourth dimention is accurate, then measurement of a given object in space would have to include said object's duration. And if said object has a measureable duration at any given point, then there can be no free will. Oh, and I wet my bed."Frod

Hey guys. The intelligent thought fairy is back. He told me to tell you that buying a hog farm is not the way to go, incest is NOT best, and cartoonists with knuckles broken by the mafia are worth nothing. I think you better write this stuff down cause you KNOW we're not gonna retain it.nonentity

In this misguided and telling submission to the National AIDS Prevention Council safe sex awareness campaign, Mr. Keane depicts his eldest son requesting condoms from his parents prior to engaging in intercourse with an elderly midget. This cartoon and others like it prompted an investigation that ultimately cost Mr. Keane his children, his marriage, and five years in jail. Laugh Til You Cry: An Anthology of the Seamier Side of the Comics BusinessPodbeing

O yeah, Mommy. My teacher said if you want her to not expel me, she had damned well have a bourbon cake on her desk in the morning.Anastasia

Bil, the teacher said to tell you the strip turned blue . . . and PJ and I have alibis!Weinerschnitzelgrubenstein

"Hi folks. Would you do me a favour and just spank me from now on, instead of spikin' the 'pasgetti with LSD? Just a thought. If you'll excuse me I have to get back to screaming an' throwing my feces at the walls for the next 40 minutes. G'night!"Dr. Schmuck

A freaky old man in bed with a little boy. This cartoon is twisted enough as it is.Dr. Schmuck

"Sir, permission to be sodomized by an invisible college professor, SIR!"Generik

"Split panels triggered Billy's worst episodes. He'd stand by Bil and Thel's bedside singing 'Will the Circle Be Unbroken?' until they let him curl up between them. Of course, that meant neither of them had to sleep on the wet spot." -- Kitty Kelley, Keane Insights: Behind the Family CircusGen. Sedgwick

After all other attempts fail, Billy enlists the help of a sympathetic ghost to go back in time and prevent his own conception.Opti

Back to the DFC Archive index