DFC #296

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Well I'll be damned. The postman actually does bring mail to houses, too...Bill

Who the Hell mailed us the remains of John Denver?Doc Evil

Oh, look! Grandma sent us oversized photos of her vacation trip to the nudist colony!Anastasia

"It's from Ed McMahon and Dick Clark and it says, Bil Keane, you may already be a shiftless, drunken pedophile with no hope in sight on the bleak horizon of your future!"Dr. KNob

Tired of being pregnant all the time, Thel sent for the "industrial strength" diapraghm.Clntwestwd

(sigh) another 3,000 disposable drawing compasses. When's this moron going to learn to draw a SQUARE ?Kitsunesan

"So! You little snots want a piece of pizza, eh?........ Well, alright! Here you go! Fight for it!"Magus

moist cunt magazine, what the fuck is that?anon

It's a stone tablet from Mt. Sinai. If I'm reading it properly, it says, "XXI Thou shalt not have melonheaded children. XXII: Thou shalt not make unfunny cartoons. XXIII: Thou shalt grow up already. XXIV: Thou shall draw in correct proportions. XXV: Thou shalt not drink until you pass out on the couch, vomiting into a hat." Nethicus

The long awaited crossover featuring DC Comics and The Family Circus begins when Plastic Man cleverly mails himself to the Keane household.Mr. Ben McClellan

Well, what do you know? Someone actually makes cassettes that will actually fit in those oddball VCR's we always seem to buy.bobo

After that now-infamous incident with the bear trap in the chimney , Santa Claus just mails his gifts to the Keane Family.Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

What the fuck is this? My Columbia Record Club order from 1976? What the hell am I supposed to do with Leif Garrett and Shawn Cassidy albums? anon

"As we stood there, wondering what Mom had ordered, Billy just stared at her, rocking back and forth on his heels, wearing the T-shirt from his favorite movie, and muttering the word "Greed." Maybe I should have seen the warning signs, but hell, I was only five years old. -- Confessions by Jeffrey Keaneanon

Oh shit, when I ordered that Princess Di doll over the phone, I told them I wanted the "Wedding Di" not the "Tunnel" Di! Walrus

After seizing Bil's drawing table Thel could draw as many doors as she liked.anon

"This is Billy 8. I know Billy 7 isn't dead yet, but shit happens, y'know?"nine elle

Okay, who sent for the G. Gordon Liddy "Stacked and Packed" calendar?The Most Rev. HolyOley

Startled with disbelief at the smell and prospect of good, well-cooked food, the Keane children involuntarily began to worship the pizza.Dr. Schmuck

"Hmm. They returned Bil's ashes due to insufficient postage. Well, he wanted to be scattered in Aruba, but he's just gonna have to make do with the 7-11 parking lot..."Dr. Schmuck

All right, which one of you little fucks ordered a hair de-rippler and charged it to my MasterCard?agm

Now available from the Franklin Mint - Family Circus plate #21: the delivery of Family Circus plate #20.Riff

"Alright, which one of you told uncle Ted I was a wealthy industrialist?"anon

"Since this is neither the SSI check or the Publishers Clearinghouse Winners Circle check, I suggest you little trolls return to your sewing machines pronto."anon

I'll open it when you all decide to quit square dancing, and not a moment before!Namgubed the Merry Elf

Well, kids, it's arrived. The enlarged nude portrait of your Uncle Roy is here. Time to hide in the basement and gouge out our eyes.nonentity

"I'll never forget the time that Bil saved up his booze money for three months and ordered a thousand dollars worth of 'philatelic material'. We still use the stamps when we write to him at the sanitarium." -- Thelma Keane, Guilty PleasuresWestur the Unspeakable

The children circled below in rapt hunger, as Thel carefully opened the box of field mice.Gecko Man

The store was out of Sleep 'N Snore Ernies, so I ordered the next best thing: a Pass Out In The Street And Get Run Over By a Steamroller Bert!DJM

Mailman Dave made his deliveries to the Keane house and then ran like hell, as was the custom for this part of his route.Jim Smith

Sorry, this inflatable Barney is for Daddy. And you won't want it when he's done with it.ann onn

Crap! Cowles rejected another batch of Bil's strips! Quick--start thinking of funnier things to say, and I'll whip up some gaspetti! Otherwise, it's going to be another Christmas without presents--or heat and electricity!Coalcracker

Remembering the apes in 2001, Thel knew that the package's arrival could mean only one thing: her children would soon learn to use tools.M

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