DFC #299

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Look, Mom's gettin' tips on how to steal a turkey from the store...We'll have a REAL Thanksgiving this year!Jenn Dolari

Ten bucks on the fat bitchy one in seven rounds!Mike Rauch

If she hadn't said "push-push-push-push-push-push" in the first place, she wouldn't need Lamaze.Gen. Sedgwick

I'll prove to you this voodoo doll works. Get me a wire clothes hanger.Miss SAJ

Look at mommy go! That keen, salesman's eye, the slick, confident tone of her voice. I think it's gonna work this time, Billy! That placenta is ours!Mighty Owl

Well, the law keeps Mommy and the other protesters 100 feet from the clinic, but we're cool cos we're kids. You brought the matches?reviser

Funny how many of them preggos call Kevorkian after Mom has that "friendly little talk" with them.zachariah lee

She's not pregnant, he's the lead guitarist for "Jane's Addiction".Riff

"Wanna know the difference between the doll and them? The doll hasn't received twelve quarts of Bil's semen."helen keller, A Woman of ,Uh, Taste

"That's Mommy's friend Louise. She's fragrant... I mean flagrant... wait... vagrant? Okay, she's knocked up an' is gonna drop her frog any day now."Generik

Well, if she went to the same sperm bank Mommy always goes to, the donor was probably either Grimace or the Kool-Aid Man.ann onn

Guess which alt.binaries newsgroup I saw a picture of her on?Werehamster

"Billy, run for your life. Ms. Hoover just got the DNA tests, and......"anon

Ya know, I never really know what to say to a pregnant chick 'cept, you know, "sorry"!Conquistitor Crunch

"Get your hand out of your pants, for chrissakes, it's not even born yet.nine elle

"So what if she can pull a baby outta there. Guess where I had this doll till breakfast."nine elle

Oh Shit, they are comparing notes. You better go home and tell Dad to start packing.Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

I mean what's the point of it all, Billy...all your life they force dolls and dresses down your throat, and for what? Some jock knocks you up and all you get is nine months of nausea and eighteen years of depression.p!

She's pregnant, an' Mom still has bigger jugs!Duckfoot--

Billy froze. It was Mrs. Schumlaker, his third grade teacher, obviously knocked up and talking to his mother. He should have known that hurried tryst in the finger paint closet was a mistake. Family Way: A Spinoff of the Family CircusPodbeing

Dibs on the afterbirth!Gen. Sedgwick

Oh, sure she's glowing now, but a buck says the morning sickness and 'rhoids will have her screaming like a banshee in two weeks.Action Jackson

I hope they don't start slugging each other over Dad like they did on Jerry Springer.anon

Gee, mommy's strap on's are more potent than we originally thought!Q-bert & Shadrach

"How could anybody bring an innocent baby into this uncaring, cruel, poorly rendered world?"Larry Hastings

"If it's a choice between Bil's semen or alien abduction impregnation, my money's on ET's unit."helen keller

She said she's gonna name the baby 'Spawn of Satan' if it's a boy, an 'Dolly' if it's a girl. Radio Show

So anyway Dad, like me and Billy were saying...Dad? Dad? Shit, I've never seen him run so fast!Radio Show

"Damn! When carlos said he was sending the shipment using his best mule I thought It would take more than one trip."anon

Uh-oh. Looks like Jeffy's getting kicked out of another playschool.Luna

All I can say, Billy, is just be glad Bil can't knock you up.anon

"Sure, you remember her...used to babysit us...neighbor girl...Bil drove her home...lawsuit...any of this ring a bell?"Transgendered Gopher

"Must've been something she should have ate..."Dolly

"First the Mommy puts on her cheap nylon slip and some edible panties. Then she tells the Daddy she wants some lovin' and she wants it now. The Daddy, though, is such a rotten loser that he'd rather drink can after can of flat Bud while watchin' the football playoffs on ESPN. So the Mommy, she puts on her raincoat and goes to that girlie bar, the Orifice Oasis, where she meets a rather scuzzy-looking used car salesman named Raoul, and they end the evening screwin' drunkenly behind the Arby's next door. Does that answer your question, Billy?"Dave Matthews

Mom is really getting to be a pro at this. In five minutes she can ratchet them down from screaming rage to a dull simmer, and start negotiations for either child support or a quickie D n' C at that GYN that Dad keeps on retainer.Hideo Spanner

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