DFC #303

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Oh, go back to bed, Jeffy! How could we BOTH have a dream of the fat guy from 'WINGS' doing armpit-farts to Bil crooning DUCKTAILS? 7 Years in Fabet

My blissfully anal-retentive dreams were rudely interrupted by the premonition of someone setting a cup of beer on the coffee table from Marakesh WITHOUT a FRIGGIN' COASTER!!!Poobleus

I'll just bet he's about to "trip" over the coffee table an' grab Mrs. Johnson's breasts again!NME--

You wanna tell him cat's cradle tricks look stupid without the fucking string?Gen. Sedgwick

"'Si, Senor, eet ees THEES BEEG!' Right - well, the important thing is, it's shorter than Thel's neck!"anon

Dad's under my voodoo spell...see how he moves when I move? Now watch him as I grab my crotch!R.J.M.

If you want serious discussion about theology, go somewhere else. When you want lurid animal sex stories, everyone knows that you come here, baby!Mighty Owl

Other cartoonists draw complete strips. Other cartoonists live off their drawings. Other cartoonists don't have to sell insurance to make ends meet.Joe Z

Dad's telling them about his work as a volunteer subject on the CIA's MK-Ultra project, all the while fending off some "winged demon horse things" that are after his toenails. They're all afraid to move. Get Dolly, this is a scream!!Thany

"This week's allowance says ol' Pastor Bil here tries to grope her during the laying on of hands."Who me?

"Well, you see, Jeffy, they're contest winners. Everybody's a winner. That's how timeshare works. We just have to give up our room for a weekend each summer."Who me?

Trust me, you don't want to go in there. Dad's about to whip it out and slap it on the coffee table like a gigantic salami.JSF

I find it's easiest to just go out there, drop trou', and get it over with. I hate lying in bed waiting for them to come upstairs...anon

Bil explains to his stunned guests how he cured Billy of thumbsucking by taking off all his fingers with a belt sander.Shem

Yep, good old Dad...Life of the party...get a few beers in him and he tells everybody he's 13 inches!Opal - Goddess of Fondue

He's such a liar. No one ever believes his "I lost this much of my penis in 'Nam!" story.anon

And see!? We're back at the living room. He tries prespective and ends up a god-damn Escher!Bill

You know, I thought this would be funny, but listening to Bil trying to pitch us as a Seinfeld replacement is just kinda sad...Bill

Two more? By my calculations that makes 39 verbal agreements to commit suicide when the comet gets here.Monkey

Oh my god, Jeffy -- I just had a horrible thought. What if that's NOT Ethel Merman they're listening to?Sir Chuck

...now he's doing the Robot...if he starts doin' the Hustle I'm outta here!R.J.M.

Two words: Beer Goggles.Supergirl

I'm telling you, you'd better act like a fuckin' angel when we get out there. They're way too old to have kids of their own, so we might actually have a shot this time. Don't fuck it up!Supergirl

"Oh man, Dad's doing 'X-Rated Charades' again. Let's get out the front door before he needs 'props'."Chuck Bukowski

With the help of Billy's ventriloquism skills, Bil manages once again to convince the Cowles representative that his is a serious art.M

Now, right after Dad finishes the "laying on of hands," you pick up her purse while he hands off the guy's wallet to me. Then start screaming "Hallelujah" for all you're worth before they notice.marty gray

Because of the Mantovani, that's how I know. If they were just here for the Amway pitch he'd leave the stereo off.Gen. Sedgwick

"Great. Not only is Bil a talentless hack sans humor, but he pushes Amway to boot. Get the pills, Jeffy; Hell's gotta be better than this."Stealth

".... and if we help him sell two more E-meters to these freaks, we'll reach Clear."TBone's House O' Screamin' Weasels!!

"Dad's tryin' to 'splain man-boy love to Luigi's parents."M

Not again! How many Charlie gooks did he slaughter this time?Namgubed the Merry Elf

Halfway through Bil's rendition of You're a mean one, Mister Grinch, Mr. Henderson began attempting to crush himself to death. Meanwhile, in the darkness of the stairway, young Billy softly began wailing like a wounded dog.Westur the Unspeakable

While Bil distracted the guests with an amusing anecdote about his recent vasectomy, Thel deftly went through their coats looking for spare change. As always, Billy and Jeffy kept vigil just out of sight, ready to squeal on the whole operation if they didn't get their share of the evening's take.Westur the Unspeakable

"I love it when Daddy tells people about 'the one that got away'. Wait 'til they figure out he's not talking about a fish!"Westur the Unspeakable

"Shh, Jeffy, lissen. I gotta hear Bil get outta this one..." "So really, Mr. Gambino. I meant no disrespect. We'll teach our children to pronounce it 'spagetti'. Don't hurt me. Hurt my wife. Hurt my kids." xian, the boy with the monkey heart

Ohh, Boy, Jeffy. I love this part. This is where Bil tries to explain to his most recent "swinger's partners" why they're having so much trouble urinating. Ususally, he get's his ass stomped, but good!xian, the boy with the monkey heart

Daddy's tellin' fibs again. It's about the size of an acorn.Down the hall from Dave

Ya see Jeffy - a family reunion is when all our cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents all gather in the living room.....in other words - don't go down there. It's hell.Mike Tyson vs. Marv Albert

If you listen carefully, you can hear the muffled whimpers as dad recites his "How I came up with the Circle drawing idea" story.Nethicus

If Dad's about to hug some fat guy with a moustache, I'll just die.Reeky Ricardo

"I swear to fuck, if Bil's brought out the furniture and perspective for the company again, I'm gonna pimpslap the sumabitch clear to Ziggy."Dave

Five hours with no potty breaks and Bil's still going strong. I bet this is the last time those Jehovah's witnesses come preaching around here.Tracy

It's worse than we thought. Tonight's swingers are the Child Protective Services people.Anastasia

If it weren't my "services" he was touting, I could almost admire Dad's sales pitch.Hideo Spanner

It's Mom and Dad's Wife Swapping night and it looks like they both got the short end of the stick.D.E. Mac

"Dad and Mr. Wilson are swapping sex stories about Dolly. I think this is the bassoon one."nine elle

"He's tellin' him about the time he got his dick stuck in the toaster. God, to think anyone could forget that!"nine elle

"I don't see why Dad has to explain the evils of capitalism to every set of hostages we take. Things are so much easier when everyone just shuts up and waits for the chopper."nine elle

Shit, how embarassing, Bil has one beer and starts the worst "Kramer" impression on record.John Boy

Ya know, I just hate it when he builds up their expectations so high. I'm Billy KEANE, not Billy HOLMES!Kevin Wayne Williams

"Dad thinks he's got him fooled, but I bet that Poirot guy is smarter than he looks ... "Shem

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