DFC #305

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Okay, your first wish was to have your diarrhea REVERSED. Not too bright, as you now know. Better luck with the next two wishes."anon

"Aw, damnit! It's always 'Dolly, the robot is malfunctioning.' or 'Dolly, the program needs more debugging.'. Can't they give me at least a FIVE SECOND BREAK?!"Caption Salvage Crew

That's what you get for pissin' on a squirrel....stubbyanon

"Look, you might as well face it--the Acme RunFast Pills backfired. You're never gonna catch that roadrunner."Larry Hastings

Whoa, hold the horses here. With Jeffy in a "happy camper" t-shirt this looks like an attempt at Irony. Wow! I'm speechless.Yakko

Oh, give it up. It's too late. If you'd produced the balloons an hour ago, Bil wouldn't be holding an ice pack to a bloody stump.joe bleau

"Oh for christ's sake, they were ONLY testicles....get over it..."Sweet Leaf

"Live with it, Jeffy. You forget your backpack in your room; you have to wear your 'I'm a horny grandpa' shirt for the week."pony

"It your own damn fault you saw Thel in a g-string. You went and looked in the tent without knocking."Manana, the Mexican

Goddammit to hell, Jeffy!! Quit channeling the spirit of Riverdance an' get in the car!Mr. Ben McClellan

Keane family outing home video, scene 12, take 25. "No, no, say it more cute. Musso 'pasm. Got it? Work with me, baby, work with me! Look, either you get it right or we just feed you the deadly nightshade for realism, OK?"Who me?

"If you insist on wearing spandex hotpants, you'll just have to learn to deal with Dad's little 'fantasies, okay?"Darth Vader, Lord of The Dance

"Look, I'm not real pleased that all Dad brought was Coors, either, but you don't see me pitching a hissy-fit. Take it like a man, you pansy."hangtownman

What did I tell you about huffing Deep Woods Off ?NME--

"Fire ants. Hemorrhoids. They just don't mix."anon

Do you want the clown suit? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, YOU LITTLE BRAT??Namgubed the Merry Elf--

"Come on! Go for it! only 'nother two minutes and you got the record for holding a japaleno and tabasco enema in!"Just the thought of it...

I told you to bring extra batteries for your Watchman. Therefore, it's your own damned fault you're missing General Hospital.Anastasia

Guess you really did pick the wrong family vacation to try to kick your horse habit. Back in the fucking car, smack-boy.broccoli

The male's dance is designed not only to attract the attention of the rutting female, but also to prepare the ground for her nesting. If receptive, the female signals her approval by offering a finger for the male to pull. -- Wild Discovery: The Keanes of ToonlandGen. Sedgwick

"Damn it, Jeffy, that's a salsa rhythm again. I said merengue, you idiot, merengue!"ks

Look, you're in the center of a panel with perspective, I'm not going to give you the fucking sunglasses too!Peon

Sorry, Jeffy, I though the match would just scare the gerbil out.zamboni

What did you think I meant -- "Look out for the White Anglo-Saxon Protestants?"Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Yeah, that's it! Sensuous! Yes! You got it!" - Backstage at the Sports Illustrated For Kids Campsuit Edition shoot.Daniel Lanker

Meanwhile Bil, driven to increasingly desperate behavior by Thel's longtime frigidity, bored a hole in the back of the ice chest and went from campsite to campsite offering women free sodas. "I know there's at least one last Diet Coke in there," he'd breathe. "Just keep rooting around until you find it."Rotter

I told you not to wipe your ass with those poison oak leaves! Here, eat these roofies - I want you quiet and unconscious on the drive home !not elsie

I told you cayenne jelly isn't the same as K-Y jelly, but no, you wouldn't listen!Meli O'Girl

Jeffy, just think...in the coming weeks, when your body returns to the soil, you'll provide nutrition for a host of forest animals--That's more than the rest of us will ever amount to!Gecko Man

Yeah, like this little scene with Dolly and Jeffy will distract us from Bil humping the cooler and Thel running around in nothing but a g-string. Nice try.Prozac

"Jeffy, thrashing around will rip out Bil's amateur sutures. When he harvested MY kidney, I just downed a fifth of Jack and a month later I was good as new."Adam, madam

"Yeah, Jeffy, shotgun wounds to the gut hurt like a motherfucker, but you have to stick it out until the chopper arrives. In the meantime, take it like a man, you whining prick."Stealth

"Sorry Jeffy, but it's the rules. Nobody weasels out of Family Enema night."Magus

Give it up, Jeffy. Phish finished playing hours ago. Let it GO, man, the concert's over.Reverend Wholesomeness

I know that ruptured 'pendix has gotta hurt, but do these sunglasses make me look like Madonna??xian, the boy with the monkey alright list

I know you're not happy that Gary Cherone is the new lead singer of Van Halen, but exactly what does this accomplish?Mr. Ben McClellan

Jeffy finally snapped after seeing Bil in his skin tight speedosHRinTUCAZ

No need for theatrics. Barfy ate Dad's hotdog, Barfy gets tied to the bumper. The same is true for any of us.Ol' Franklin

No use stamping your feet and crying, Jeffy. If you're wearing illegible slogan t-shirts you're just inviting those kinds of comments.nonentity

Yes, the bamboo grows quickly, Mr. Keane. Just tell me the name of your contact in Prague, and I will end your torment.zen

It's like I said. Gerbils are pretty tame. Chipmunks, on the other hand, will try to get OUT!zen

Stop resisting my mind control, Jeffy. You can't fight forever, so sooner or later you will pull my finger!Werehamster

On really hot days, Jeffy reverts back to his original form-- popcorn and sausages.LadyJ

"Geez, one can of Schlitz and he flips out like PJ did that time on 'shrooms. Looks like I'm the only kid with balls in this family."LadyJ

"Do you have any idea what you're doing to our T-shirt sales here? We're still trying to recoup the losses from when we missed the boat on that whole Crocodile Dundee slash "down-under" trend..."Dog-matic 2000

"Jeffy! Put on your sunglasses! It'll block the sensory overload caused by all this scenery!"Medea Bunkmesser

"Daddy says that if you don't stop having a petit mal, you won't get any ice cream later."Who me?

Dolly was shocked when she realized they had completely forgotten to bring Jeffy's "happy feet" medication.alanon

"As the man said, the brown acid is not specifically too good"Moorlock

"That's rough, Jeff. The morning after Mom's Jalopeno n' Tabasco Poppers is always a bitch. Try sittin' in the beer cooler... Tillman

What is it, boy? Is Billy stuck in the well?James315

OK! I get the point...guys can fake an orgasm.James315

Jeffy, you can't keep this up forever, you know...you're gonna have to sleep, and when you do, Freddy Kruger is going to beat the shit out of you.James315

I told you not to eat the 'shrooms. Can I have your room?Snallygaster

" I told you before we came up here, if Dad has too much to drink and wants to go 'Up the Old Dirt Road', it isn't because he has to take a piss!"dsa

That's why you don't mess with Mistress Gymkata, grasshopper.Nethicus

Three leaves are poison ivy. Five leaves are cannabis! Jenn Dolari

No, no, no, Jeffy. "Camp" is Abba, Divine, and Liza. "Camping" is about men getting drunk in the woods.The Dog

I told not to chase that stupid roadrunner...now your feet are probably stuck that way!Jim Smith

Scene from Bil Keane's cinematic failure, Attack of the Killer Potatoes.Westur the Unspeakable

Hmmm, profuse sweating, a violent twitch, vomiting. So that was a Deadly Nightshade after all!Marky Bear

If you weren't prepared for it, the sight of Dolly's sausage legs could induce siezure, vomiting, and even death.Westur the Unspeakable

Here .... aw shit ... I guess sugar doesn't chase away fire ants after all! Lametry

God DAMN, Jeffy. I TOLD you not to try on the red shoes.L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg

When the bear said "only you can prevent forest fires", he didn't mean you personally!Riff

Mom says you give back the shirt, Jeffy. Wearing it when you're unhappy would just be living a lie.Stefan Jones

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