DFC #319

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

I give your Trapper John impression one thumb up! It would have been two, but I took points off for originality and delivery.Mr. Ben McClellan

As his father began ranting about the 'tracking devices the government had put in his rectum', Billy made a mental note not to play doctor when his father was stoned out of his mind.Magus

"Just the sonafabitch who left the plunger in the toilet." he grunted.Vespa and Destroyer

Lishen, kid... I'd rather haff a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy, sho be a good little shit and go shteal me another bottle of booshe.Orion the Hunter

New: Family Circus Viewmaster. Just put your face really close and you'll see a spectacular 3-d effect.Mr. ?

Billy tried to involve his dad in his educational and career goals, but Bil thought only of his dream of becoming a Major League umpire.hangtownman

Billy! What has your mother told you about wearing her g-string around your neck?iota

What have I told you about using word balloons in the house?! Now go to your room!anon

Scene from The Fugitive Circus, where Billy accidentaly stumbles upon the one armed man.Mr.?

Years later, at the Nuremburg Trials, Dr. Josef Mengele would recant tales of why he became the cruel bastard that we was.toade

This cartoon is scored so you can snap it in two - enjoy half the hilarity now and save the other half for later!hangtownman

His father's response of, "Ehhhhh... I'm the Fonz!" finally convinced Billy his father was a fucking idiot.Nethicus

At the time, Billy seemed unfazed by his father's cruel retort, "how 'bout the trash?" But 15 years later, he failed the MCATs, dropped out of college and became a garbageman... --From Growing Up in a Circle of Shame by Dolly Keane-FortenskiCoalcracker

Moments after asking the question, as Bil began his long-winded, pathetic "Fonzie" imitation, Billy realized that the answer was brutally clear. Frontal Lobe. Quickly, before any more humanity leached out of the universe.zen

"The Raggedy Andy costume. We did Doogie Howser yesterday."M

Billy didn't even hear Bil's lame punchline. Like a deer caught in headlights, Billy could only stare out at the DFC. He knew he had just fucked himself.M

Yeah! Me! To the ball game! Get it? "Take me out to the ball game!" Your old man's just as "with it" with the nutty captions as those Intronat guys!Rotter

"Sure, son! The garbage!" Finally, after years of cynical Gen-X post-modernist recaptioning, the DFCers were reduced to being ironic about irony itself. Within weeks, the domain name was sold to a children's bookstore in Kansas City, MO.Rotter

Billy thought long and hard about Bil's answer. Well, I've been wondering where my Captain Drillhead action figure had gone, he thought. But I'm not sure I want it back now.-Jester

Slide #53: A rare photograph of Family Circus mitosis in telophase.Gen. Sedgwick

The opening scene of The Vice Pope Must Die!Gen. Sedgwick

Too easy, Billy! But if you want to perform a "Spermburpinggutterslut-ectomy" out in the kitchen, I for one would be eternally grateful!!Vice Pope Doug

Years of medical school tuition down the drain and the constant nagging reminder that his shiftless puke of a son is but a reflection of his own inability to accomplish anything meaningful with his pathetic life and the collapse of his marriage with Thel finally come to a boil as Bil snaps... "Yah you little spunk monkey. I want for you to take your ass out that fuckin' door and get a fuckin' job so you can make some goddamn money and quit being such a goddamn burden on your old man! Haven't I suffered enough for you, you little fuckin' ingrate!? Haven't I carried you on my goddamn back about long e-fuckin'-nough!? And bring me back some goddamn beer when you're out! Goddamn it boy, don't make me get out of this chair and kick your ass!Rev-O

How about the southwest tower at San Quentin? I miss your Uncle Roy.Gen. Sedgwick

"Your mom. Handgun's in the pantry."Who me?

To Billy's dismay, Daddy's reply came in the form of a chuckle and a "jerk me off" gesture.Who me?

"Just that goddamned whore what spawned you."M

"Sorry, son, take yourself out. There's a five-minute penalty for captions outside the circle. Looks like Dolly and Jeffy have a power play."Who me?

"Hit the showers, kid, and we'll see what comes out."Who me?

Your Mother. Uncle Roy's Trouser Snake. Your Siblings. Those incontinent mutts. Charles Schulz. Any more silly questions...Doctor?Paul "The Surgeon" Reed

As his father laughed uproariously at his son's pathetic dream of becoming a doctor, little Billy began, silently, to cry.Who me?

How a seemingly innocent question started Billy on a long, lucrative career as a hitman for the mob.El Kabong

"You're my doctor? Damn the Cowles HMO!!!"Gen. Sedgwick

So many possibilities, so little space...Joe Z

You can't fool me, Son. I've also watched Monty Python's The Meaning of Life...ewhac

This raises WAY to many questions about exactly how family-oriented this strip really is, doesn't it?Darth Vader, Lord of The Dance

"Billy, more feeling! More feeling! For this role, you must believe you are a 6-year-old doctor! Now let's take it from the top!Down the hall from Dave

"No, but if you can put my flat, rotting colon back I'll give you 50 bucks..."Tillman (With apologies to Timmy)

"Shit," Billy thought dismally as Bil graphically demonstrated the direct stream his ejaculate would take if Billy was a " very good doctor". devvie

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