DFC #322

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

...another typical day...daddy's sitting on his ass while our future is up in the air.R.J.M.

Bil's attempts at the see-saw marathon world record left his children literally teetering on the brink of starvation.Namgubed (ooh, that's bad) the Merry Elf--

"OK, Lord of the Totter: let's TEET!"Randall

The kids really began to worry when Bil switched from singing Ride My See-saw, to Up On the Roof.R.J.M.

Once again they were able to play with grandpa as his tombstone became the fulcrum.R.J.M.

As they all perched upon the elephant tusk scale, Bil knew he was a Keane on ivory weigh-ins...R.J.M.

"I'm down - they're up." he thought, as the light dawned, "Before, it was the other way round ... I'm beginning to see the pattern!"anon

Seeing no other way out, Billy desperately fired up his Green Lantern ring to rescue his siblings.Mr. Ben McClellan

A witch, a witch!!!R.J.M.

Bil sighed. "Will the DFCers understand that this is a metaphor, that the parent uses his strength to elevate his children beyond his level? No, they'll make wanking jokes again." He shrugged. "It's a living."Looseleaf

There was no experience quite like getting all four of them to puke simultaneously.NME--

And to think we blew him so he'd get us 'high'!anon

Bil payed no attention to the children's screams. The bird seed was out and the trap was set. He would have that road runner this time.alanon

Jesus, dad, let us down! Broom Hilda ain't wearing any underwear and it's a sight worse than death!toade

"Mom! Can you give us a hand? Dad passed out in mid-'teeter'... again."hangtownman

No, a rail gun needs a "magnetic pulse." An explosive gasbag filled with wood-grain alcohol is a completely different type of weapon.Bill

Once it was decided that Bil weighed more than his children, they next had to find out if the kids weighed the same as a duck.R.J.M.

...and thus Kean's 1st law was born..."1 lardass > 4 melon-heads"R.J.M.

As Billy's head totally blocked the sun, Bil saw the first ever Melon-eclipse.R.J.M.

With mock fear, Billy yelled out, "Dad! The cops are right behind you!" The ruse always worked; he'd turn around and get off the see-saw. It usually meant a sore rear end, but at least it brought an end to the Suspension Torture. From Jeff Keane's "You're Not My Real Father: Surviving the Bil Keane Years."Golf

Bil's face blanched. Billy's shouts of "Let us down, goddammit!" were not sinking in. Dolly knew Bil was flashing back to 'Nam and the "See-Saw Massacre" again.Nethicus

Part of Bil's "Mandelbrot Foliage" period.zen

Face it, Dad, the Cirque du Famile is never gonna make the big time.Gen. Sedgwick

Oh, good God. Hush Puppies with no socks?? Paging Mr. Blackwell!Gen. Sedgwick

"I can see my house from here!"M

When Bil started drawing his own sexual fantasy, the inker quickly transformed the enlarged phallus into a teeter-totter ...Riff

'Thel was right. We can't even move dad's lazy ass with the biggest lever in the world!'The Dork Wanderer

Given Bil's hand position and Billy's reaction, does this really need a caption?Disco Fever, yeah yeah yeah yeah

Dammit Bil, that's the third time you've hit my head on the frame, you moron!RoBear

Good lord in heaven! (That's not a caption, just the first thing that came to mind when I saw this attrocity)Slaanesh

Ignorance, gluttony and pedophilia outweighing larceny, vandalism and hellspawn? . . . . It's a close call if you ask me . . . .twomp

And thus, the much-pondered question, "Are melons lighter than vodka?" was met with a resounding "yes".Jamey "General Crisis" Powell

Fine. I'm the one who stole your stash. Will you let us down now?Anastasia

"OK, Bil, OK! We'll call off the strike! We'll even say 'gaaaaaa'....'gaaaaa'...'gasp'...'gaspetti'! [sob]"Stealth

" ... and then the seesaw turned to rubber suddenly, and the kids fell to the ground, and their heads broke. There was blood everywhere. What do you think it means, Doc?" Shem

Bil grunted in frustration as, despite his repeated bouncing, the kids managed to hold on to the seesaw. Damn their strong little thighs.Shem

Billy is struck blind as he catches a glimpse of Bil's crotchless shorts.Shem

This is enough to make Archimedes regret telling anyone about levers.Gen. Sedgwick

Billy suddenly realized what Bil had meant when he said that he was taking them to his "sausage packing factory".anon

Relax, guys --- he obviously has no idea how crucifixion works!anon

Norman Rockwell's The Little Rascals Meet the Big Rascal.anon

As Billy's taunts of "fatass" and "Baby Huey" increased, Bil flashed back to his haunted childhood--the teasing on the playground, the name-calling, and the utterly lonely despair--all because he was, as his mother often slurred to him during a gin-induced stupor, "Big-boned." Years later, after he and Thel passed on, the new owners of the house would discover four neatly arranged tiny skeletons hidden in the attic crawl space.Dick Disney

This strip was followed by a panel of a trip to watch Old Faithful erupt, two scenes with trains entering tunnels, and a picture of the children watching the space shuttle take off. Child Protective Services showed up at the door the following week.hangtownman

This is just pathetic. The only thing missing is Bil's drool as the children slide inexoribaly closer to his crotchoidal area. Cancel my subscription.C. Everett Koop

Cartoons really do make you look 10 pounds heavier.Kiko

Strange but True! -- Looks can be decieving! Little PJ is actually the largest figure in this picture! Get a ruler and see for yourself!Blue Gargantua

"By the end of the fifth seaon, we'd lost most of our staff. We were forced to do all of the maintenance work just to keep the panel going. Here, we're cleaning up the set. Bil used to call it 'cleaning those tricky corners of the circle'. God I hated him." -- Dolly Keane, It's a Living? Thirty Years of Cartoon HellBlue Gargantua

Bil keeps the brats suspended in air and unable to get in the way while Thel shoots up in peace in the kitchen. The marriage counselling is working.anon

Somewhere in Vienna, Sigmund Freud awoke in a cold sweat.Hotbread

'Wow! From way up here, the panel looks like an oval instead of a circle!'agm

Daddy, how come these "physics demonstrations" always end up with compromising frontal contact?anon

The broken window, the small patches of grass that made up his sorry excuse for a lawn, the four idiot children, the joyless, thankless job. "Oh my god," thought Bil. "I've become White Trash."Golf

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