DFC #325

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

While Bil struggled with the concept of "fire" and Billy was attempting to raise spirits to protect their village, Sam had created an acurate globe, and had postulated their death in the coming Ice Age.Bill

Fortunately for everyone involved, Billy's big song and dance number did not translate fully into the comic strip medium.Scoats

Braining Billy with the log would be a welcomed release Bil thought, but, then who would do the Holiday cartoons?twomp --pillaging the Yellow Asterisk

"The rest of us had no idea what he was saying, but within a week Billy started getting mash notes from Marlee Matlin." -- B.K. Confidential by Peter Jenkins KeaneGen. Sedgwick

Here, evolution diverged into two species, one slow, stupid and strong; the other highly intelligent "Melonheads."* The two have nonetheless formed useful symbiosis. Pictured, a melonhead directing a worker in the construction of a meth lab. --The Keanes of Toonland: a 7-year Case StudyP. G. Austin, ed. *(Their evolutionarily enlarged prefrontal and anterior lobes. See: Sedgewick, et al.)

Miming the International 'Blow me' symbol, Billy let his Dad know how he felt about gathering more firewood.Radio Show

Collector's Plate #175: Billy's ambition to be a club DJ goes over poorly with his Luddite father.Hugh Jass

"I wonder," Bil thought, "if that's what it's really all about..."Bubba

Let's see...you've got the wood, Jeffy's over there pitching his tent, and in a few panels, we'll all be in a boat with our rods. Something on your mind, Dad?Coalcracker

After a week of burnt hot dogs and carbonized marshmallows, Bil's fantasy about roast sucking pig began to get out of hand.Argyle

Try as he might to learn it, the Hokey Pokey was far beyond Bil's comprehension.M

Bil paused his free-weight chinups to listen to Billy's tale of being enveloped by Nel Carter.Xebec

"An' then the particles smash together, an' then they can figure out lots of stuff about electroweak symmetry breaking..." Dad just stared blankly at my attempt to explain the Superconducting Supercollider. It was then that I knew: I was different from the other Keanes. --Good Bill Hunting: Diary of a Boy Genius Raised By Idiotsks

Slowly, Bil's foggy memory of leaving Billy's week-end Ritalin dose back at home became crystal clear.anon

It's a shame he got Parkinson's this young, thought Bil, but a wave of sympathetic publicity could come in handy at contract renewal time.Gen. Sedgwick

No, I feel fine. In fact, ever since I chewed on some leaves I found, I feel great.Gen. Sedgwick

"That's cute, " Bil thought. "But it's not normal."anon

Bil's 40-watt bulb of a brain contemplates whether he really should take Billy to funky town.The Boy

"An then I knocked his cane out from under him and his pencils went flying everywhere! I love messing with blind people!"Jenn Dolari

The log there fills me with woody glee!!! Aw, come on Dad, YOU'RE the one who pitched camp at the Red Astrisk National Forest.Jenn Dolari

"They won't come down for days," thought Jeffy. "By then, I'll be long gone." Meanwhile, Bil rowed his boat while Billy treaded water.Heath

For painfully obvious reasons, the piano-wire hula-hoop fad was short lived.hangtownman

Five seconds and one bloody log later, it was clear that, no, Bil did not want to "do the Macarena".hangtownman

Well, now that we've lost our house, half the family, half the pets, and our income, I'm glad to see you adjusting to your new role as white trash trailer scum. The hat's a nice touch. How much did the truck driver charge you? nonentity

...an' her right hand was twitchin' like this, an' her left leg went in circles like this... Now let's see what happens if you give Jeffy strychnine!The Outsider

Billy served as distraction while the rest of the family quietly slipped into the car and drove off.The Boy

"Magic fingers... say... water right here."tv's Spatch

"Hmmm..." thought Bil. "If I were to shave his head, put him in a diaper and add a cheesy '70's soundtrack, it'd make one helluva screen saver." And thus, the "Dancing Baby Billy" virus was born.bobo

Bil, if you don't stop drawing me in these spandex homo shorts, net time you pass out it'll make Bobbitt look like a paper cut.malachi constant

Unable to speak, Billy frantically rubbed his crotch and pointed, but Bil couldn't understand. In moments, the snake he was kneeling on initiated him into the folds of eunich-dom. tim

And then Bil thought, why carve a 'special friend' out of wood while Billy's right here with all this extra energy?!.The Mad Whacker

"Put one here, Dad! Here! Put it here, Dad! Right here! Here! Put it here, Dad!" Bil resolved to never again bring any amphetamines along on vacation.Randall

I hate camping. How long do you figure it will be before the IRS forgets about us this time?Mr. ?

It was a pattern Sam had seen played out too, too many times. Sleep deprived, hungover Bil. Hyperactive, sugar addeled hell spawn. Tendons twitching as the log is moved to swing position. He only hoped he good finish the choice, gooey bits before Barfy arrived. Adam, madam

"Yo, Bil, I ain't fuckin' around. / You fuck with me I'll gat yo' ass down. / Your wack-ass sticks may break my bones / But I'm the nigga with major cajones!"M

For Christ's sakes, Bil, you can see that I've got the shakes so bad I can hardly stand. Quit being a cheap bastard for once in your life and pass me the goddamned Jeremiah Weed before I puke!dALY

Wood on you, mate!Mr. Ben McClellan

"I love campires - I guess this would be the first time I've ever been glad to see you packing wood."hangtownman

Billy's attempts to mime "I beg you...hand me my emergency epinepherine auto-inject system, the one we always carry so that I can survive a bee-sting despite my deadly allergy...it's right there by your knee." Moments later, his final conscious act would be to make a gesture which, unlike the first, Bil immediately understood.Rotter

"Hey Daddy-O! Dad! Daddy-Pop! Daddy, don't worry. Just because we're camping, and the bears ate our food and you lost the car keys and Mommy's been gone for hours with those guys with no teeth and big guns and Dolly's with them and the tent leaks and the dog's got raging diarhea from eating that rancid skunk, and Jeffy gambled away away all our vacation money at that Denny's outside of Reno, that doesn't mean we can't have fun! Get Down and Boogie!xian, the boy with the monkey heart

"And then the Scoutmaster tripped over a branch and fell into the fire. His polyester scout uniform went up like a Christmas Tree, an' he was spinning around, yelling 'Put it out! PUT IT OUT!' Oh God, it was the best camping trip ever!"me, myself, I

Legend has it that in one scene in The Family Circus Goes Camping, the ghostly image of a midget extra who committed suicide briefly flickers across the screen.ks

Okay, which hand has the rapidly dissolving tabs of LSD?NME--

Bil watched Billy do the hokey-pokey, but the only words that registered in his amphetamine-fractured mind were "In ... out ... in .. out ... " His grip tightened on the log.Shem

I love these "rape and pillage" camping trips.Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

"... and in American Sign Language, this means 'Dorky cap, Dad.'"Shem

The Archdruid Billy supervises the construction of Stickhenge. Shem

Billy's jackhammer delusions would surface at the oddest times.Gen. Sedgwick

He didn't know where he was, why he was holding a pair of logs, or who the impish, deformed shaman was. All Stephen King knew was that it was gonna make a helluva book!Paul "The Melonheads" Reed

Billy kept their father distracted and very much entertained while Jeffy found a way to get at the temptingly suspended stash.Namgubed the Merry Elf

Bil, recognizing the "crip" gang sign, beat his son to a pulp, and gained new ranking in the "bloods".nethicus

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." Too exhausted to even notice that Jeffy had finally dropped out, Billy took the Hokey-Pokey marathon into its 19th grueling day. Yowsah.ks

"Hello, my name is... zzzrk...Billy...SYSTEM ERROR 226...Hello,...zrrk....my name is Billy...OPCODE ERROR AT 38F82CA..." Shit, thought Bil, just when the warranty ran out.The Dork Wanderer

Back to the DFC Archive index