DFC #326

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

When did the Republic of Texas get the rights to Amos and Andy? Xebec

The pets are dead, Dolly knocked her head backwards, and if Dad doesn't put on some long pants soon, I'm gonna have trouble sleeping tonight. Don't let Jeffy's shirt fool you, Mom--there are no happy campers here.Ultra-Girl

Putting aside for a moment the redundancy of nature tapes out here, don't you think the sound of bear cubs in distress is an inadvisable choice?Gen. Sedgwick

Two strangled mutts and Mark Trail's head hanging from a nearby tree? Fuck yeah, I'd call that a bad mood!Nethicus

"There was a time for Jimmy Buffet. THE SEVENTIES!"twomp

Rush. Larry King. Liddy. NPR. Y'know, the only difference between this and a trip to D.C. is that damn pennant.Gen. Sedgwick

See? Dogs do too have an afterglow!Gen. Sedgwick

"He says he's secure enough in his manhood to cross his legs that way. I say he's a flagrant pole-smoker. Who's right?Craig

"But we don't want to spend another "Andrew Lloyd Weber in the Woods" weekend with Dad and Uncle Roy!"hangtownman

After Jeffy and Dolly used the anatomically correct doll to demonstrate the nature of the assault, Billy fingered the culprit.Gen. Sedgwick

It was bad enough hearing you two in the tent last night, but to keep playing a tape of it, that's just sick!Gen. Sedgwick

Why I left the woods... I had proven that a life can be lived deliberately, in concert with nature. Plus, if Dolly had uttered "gasphetti" one more time, I would have fucking KILLED her. -- From Bil Keane's Walden: My Life On the PondCoalcracker

Music? Talk radio? News? I could deal with those. Hell, I could even put up with static right now. But OLD ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES?Heath

Point of fact: Matthew McConaughey agreed to it in the real Contact because Jodie Foster was not an alcoholic hack making a stag film for the Inflatable Club.Xebec

Bil and his shortwave? That's the whole SETI program?Xebec

He claims that if we juxtapose him and the dogs in front of America's natural wonders it'll be art, instead of the cheap porn we shoot in the basement.Peon

Y'know, if you cancel the MasterCard, he can't order any more Zamfir tapes.Gen. Sedgwick

"His 'Cartoonist of the Year' acceptance speech again? Doesn't he realize it was a pity vote, for Chrissakes?"ks

Damnedest menage-a-trois I ever saw! You're not the only one who's been teaching the dogs 'special tricks'!Luna

Here we see Bil fill the panel with everything that he can think of in a desperate attempt to draw the attention of the National Exorcist's Association away from Dolly.Space Mutant

Explain to me how three days in the middle of fuck-all nowhere with nothing but one 1982 Fat Boys cassette playing over and over is supposed to help his bi-polar disorder?Buzz Lightbeer

"Dueling Banjoes"? My, how comforting.Gen. Sedgwick

Okay, which one of us is gonna tell him he's listening to the toaster oven again ?Kitsunesan

I don't care what the radio weatherman says, Dolly's ankles say there's gonna be rain, and plenty of it!Namgubed the Merry Elf

"What's with the oddly crossed legs? I'll tell you what's up: 'RuBil' is tuckin' it again."M

Christ, at least at home when he gets stoned and cranks Floyd full volume, he wears headphones!The Plague

"Let's tie him up in that sleeping bag, beat his ass silly, and write 'Fruit Roll-up' on his forehead."andy

No food, no water, but he gets to bring his entire 250 8 Track Monkee's collection? I saw we Take the Last Train to Some Whipass!Jenn Dolari

Oral Robert's on the radio, the cat hanging in a bag, Barfy's dead, and Sam's on his way out, and Bil always calling us demonspawn. Tell me again why we have nothing to fear.Rev. B

"Daddy ate all the good parts before he even told us he'd killed them!"M

"He sits there all day, listening to static, waiting for somebody to start broadcasting again. When will he get it through his thick skull? There is nobody! We're the last ones left!"ks

"When you listen to workout tapes, aren't you supposed to, like, work out or something?"ks

"It kind of detracts from the woodland splendor when he blasts Ina Godda Davida over and over at top volume."hangtownman

(sigh)I'm missing the Judy Garland convention for THIS?The Boy

Bil always gets a hard-on when he listens to the Sex Pistols. Do you think there's something he's not telling us about the time he met John Lydon?Werehamster

In this episode of the DFC, the part of PJ is being played by Chim Chim the masturbating monkey.Natty

God he reminds me of Windows 95. Work 5 minutes, crash, work 5 minutes, crash.Yakko

"Look, we don't complain about the way that bastard uses us sexually but ignores us the rest of the time...We don't complain about the humiliation we endure, being drawn this way--and believe me, the other kids can be awfully cruel...hell, we don't even complain about the fact that according to him we can never afford to go anywhere or do anything, but there always seems to be enough money for booze and thorazine...But godammit, we're NOT gonna listen to any more of that Tammy Wynette shit!! It's our vacation, too..."sweet leaf

"Dark ritual my ASS! So far, we've only sacraficed one virgin and killed one toddler, and already he's 'on break'!"Magus

Tell him to stop crossing and uncrossing his legs or we are never letting him watch Basic Instinct ever again!Mr. ?

How can he listen to all those Tony Roberts tapes and still be so incredibly unmotivated?Anastasia

And I still think that dropping acid and then listening to Herman's Hermits is sick!Anastasia

Who is Bil trying to fool anyways? The only people who listen to NPR are unwashed, insomniatic, chronically unemployed rehab patients who... Ah, never mind.bobo

I understand family loyalty and all, but does he hafta bring their coffins everywhere?Gen. Sedgwick

Lemme get this straight. While he listens to right-wing talk radio, he expects us to sleep in a dome tent with a giant snail inside and the Foodbag of Damocles dangling over us. Just how much bad karma were we born with?Gen. Sedgwick

Is there something you want to tell us about that letter Dr. Laura is reading from the woman with the shiftless, untalented husband and four malformed kids?Gen. Sedgwick

Dad brought his Sounds of Nature tapes to go to sleep with all th' way out here? What a dip shit, eh?Mr. Ben McClellan

The shorts and shaven legs I can take. Even the Pat Boone heavy metal CD on the boom box. But dammit, our stash is in those coolers and he won't let us at it!Disco Fever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's get this straight: Grandma's head in a sack hanging from the tree, the dogs drained of their blood, and Led Zeppelin on the boom box and you say NOTHING'S WRONG!!Radio Show

Do other daddies use Nair?malachi constant

God, does he actually enjoy Enya or is he just trying to piss us off?Rimbaud

See, he looks perfectly natural. We'll be five states away before anyone notices that anything's wrong.Rice Dream

"Timeshare TENTS?"Skywise

"You said you lost him back on I-80. Now we have to put up with fart jokes and gangsta rap all fuckin' week."Larry Hastings

Mommmm! Dad's retreating into his drug induced fantasy world again where he pretends we don't exist!The Mad Whacker

No food, yet he made us carry those two large ice chests filled with Coors. I say we 'Donner' him!The Mad Whacker

The children weren't bothered so much that Bil had brought two child sized coffins with them on the trip... They were mostly peeved that he had made them carry them, and that now he was making them vote amongst themselves about who would end up filling them.LadyJ

Back to the DFC Archive index