DFC #328

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Mrs. Paul, the early years.bobo

"Bassmasters...A fucking Bassmasters competition", Billy grumbled. "I gotta change the batteries in my hearing aid."bobo

If it had been up to me, thought Billy, I would've gotten his wallet before I dumped the body.nine elle

"I found Shelly Winters!"M

"That does it," Billy decided. "One more chorus of 'MMM-BOP', and she's fish-food..."Kurt L.


As soon as Dolly said, "Daddy, I love your dinghy!" Billy knew what would come next. Wouldn't she EVER learn?hangtownman

All Bil had to do was fasten Dolly's hook to the archor so she'd think she was fighting a swordfish for 9 hours...Trevita

"Cthulu this, Cthulu that," thought Billy. "Why does Dolly always get to officiate when we call upon the Old Gods?"Anastasia

When Dolly got that glow and started babbling, Billy knew she had eaten strange berries for breakfast. It was going to be a long morning.Anastasia

Billy never gets to be the "master baiter".joe bleau

Gee, Daddy, this is fun! No wonder Billy's always saying he wants to be a male hooker!Gen. Sedgwick

One of Winslow Homer's less acclaimed works, The Effete Angler.Gen. Sedgwick

Young Ernest Hemmingway, shown in this rare picture, is upset because his more macho sister just caught a marlin. Later in life, he would cast her as an old greasy fisherman in one of his books.Mr. ?

The ORIGINAL actors for the movie Moby Dick were promptly fired. Captain Ahab didn't seem at all bothered that the white whale had just devoured another boat, Starbuck was sulking beacuse he didn't get a soda, and Ishmael had an estrogen overdose.Magus

What does a submarine have in common with Thel? Both are loaded with seamen! Thank you! Thank you! I'm here all week...Doc Evil

"Look at me! I'm Marilyn Vos Savant!" Billy sulked. "Why doesn't he ever draw me a halo?"Heath

P.J., we couldn't use you as bait -- you're our chum!anon

The Celene Dion video shoot was going great until the director noticed the dim-witted, melonheaded extras crowding into the shot.Coalcracker

If they didn't catch something soon, Billy knew, one of them would have to die to save the others. By the third day of Dolly's monologue, he stopped baiting his hook to hasten the process.Gen. Sedgwick

In the middle of the picture, is a young William Gates. Do you wonder why he is the way he is?Darth Vader, Wahoo! Wahoo!

"To think," Billy thought to himself, "I gave up the hokey-pokey for this."Bubba

Dolly often screamed at the top of her lungs...just for the halibut...Opie

It was a long five years, but it was worth saving all that money to buy this boat. Oh look, Charles Shultz's yacht.Tyrant

The Statue of Liberty! Papa! It is America! We are free! No, wait--it's just Thel standing by the water, trying to hitch a ride with some Hell's Angels. Nevermind.Coalcracker

Got a yellow asterisk, got a red asterisk, got a green asterisk. (L to R)Heath

Billy fumed silently, "Fish or cut bait, fish or cut bait. I still think we should cut the bait BEFORE fishing."Argyle

"There...you are...like a thorbbing star...." mocked Dolly as #1 Celine Dion fan Billy sulked..wishing she had never seen "South Park".Jimmy

"There she is, comrades!" lisped Colonel Koloff, manning the telescope of the renegade Soviet submarine Moskva. "Shall we wait few minutes or do we blow stinking Hamericans sky high?"Mr. Ben McClellan

Enter Billy the Sorehead. Exeunt Dolly boat left.Xebec

After Dolly's tenth rendition of, Close to You, Billy wondered if Bil would react to the loud sound of her fat body hitting the water. Probably not.anon

Looks like Dolly wins the 'Snare-the-Underwater-High-Voltage-Line-with-your-Hook' contest.Kitsunesan

Dad, you ought to do something about your old Johnson always breaking down. You also ought to replace the boat's motor.Werehamster

Boy, was Billy pissed. Not only was Dolly using her angelic powers to lure all his fish to her hook, but Bil was making himj sit in the Wet Spot again.Stealth

It's good and snagged, all right. I think I found the station wagon.Gen. Sedgwick

C'mon Jeffy, you gotta' swim faster than that if we want to get up to trolling speed!Coyote

While it is true that rats will flee a sinking ship, some less intelligent creatures fail to do so.Westur the Unspeakable

A higher court would declare, too late, that death by a capella Ravi Shankar was "cruel and unusual".Xebec

Rub-a-dub-dub/Three Keanes in a tub/The frowner, the smiler, the long-out-of-styler.Gen. Sedgwick

Dolly used her mutant power to cause irritability in nearby people. Unfortunately, it only worked on people with an IQ greater than her age.Lost in Erehwon

The Dolly Lama reaches the point of enlightenmentThe Boy

...you never go from lakes to beaches...R.J.M.

For the rest of her life, Dolly would always remember exactly where she was when she discovered her G-Spot.El Vez

We're going to make it this time! Just keep acting like common fishermen, you fools. Soon we'll be Canadian illegal aliens, sucking the teat of socialist government! The Chojin

Did ya hear the one about the single woman who went fishing with 10 men on a boat?....She came back with a big red snapper! Thank you..thank you remember to tip your server....Opie

Billy sat sulking. How could he enjoy fishing when he knew hundreds of people would be making fun of every move he made? Ever since they started counting contributor captions, Billy's life had gone to pot.nonentity

No wonder Billy looks pissed. Dolly has divine radiance about her, meaning she is blessed, and Bill is depicted under a mystic Teepee, meaning he has achieved oneness with nature. Billy gets jack shit.nonentity

Whatever you two did to make God flood the world, keep it up!Xebec

Her Spidey-sense began to tingle as she noticed that Billy wasn't using his hands ...NME--

Brochure for Red Star Lines, ca. 1911.Gen. Sedgwick

Only after she recieved a 6-pack did Dolly realize she uttered the Immaculate I Love You, Man.Namgubed the Merry Elf

Bil unsuccessfully tries to cash in on Titanic fever with his musical "The Unsinkable Dolly Brown"Tyrant

If Billy heard just one more k.d. lang song, he was gonna strangle Dolly with her own line.Stealth

Fishing downstream from the plastics factory always frustrated Billy. Dolly, on the other hand, enjoyed getting high off the fumes. Shem

"It was sad, / It was sad, / It was sad when the great ship went down. / Brothers and dads, / Little bitty children lost their 'nads. / It was sad when the great ship went dooowwwwwn!"ks

Keane's Schulz obsession manifested itself again in the poorly-received "kite-eating lake" sequence.Gen. Sedgwick

Hey! I got one! What's a good way to cook a fat-ass, sarcastic tabby cat?zen

Man, I love raw fish! I hope they never report us missing!ks

"Listen, he's thumpin' on the bottom of the boat! You were right, Dad--keelhaulin' Jeffy is fun!"ks

"How the fuck did Dolly score sainthood?! I'm as fuckin' holy as she ever was! Bet I know who she's been blowin' !!" grumbled a disgruntled, non-sanctified Billy.Vice Pope Doug

When Jeffy allowed his siblings to flip for a quarter-gram of his special blend of speed, Billy unfortunately selected "tails".Vice Pope Doug

If we catch a fifth fish, we hafta throw it back! Know how I know? 'Cause I heard you tellin' Mommy, "Four is the absolute limit, an' we're gettin' rid of this one!"ks

Billy sat dejected in the middle of the boat. He had completely misunderstood his father's invitation to go "fly fishing."Tangent

Shortly after Dolly launched into her 2,156th rendition of the "Gilligan's Island" theme, she was cut up and used as bait.anon

Fair's fair. If deep-sea creatures can use bioluminescence to attract their prey, so can I!Stefan Jones

Despite Dolly's exuberance, Billy doubted they'd be catching any keepers moored three feet from the beach.M

I caught 'nother one!!!! .....guess I just know how to handle a pole better than you two!Heckler

Good on you, bait!Disco Fever. Yeah, yeah, glub, glub.

No, Dolly hadn't caught a fish... but she did find a fascinating new use for a fishing rod.Fishing Rod

Number One Son's brow furrowed in concentration. Soon, his Seven Needles of Harmonious Pain would skewer the bleating harlot next to him, ensuring a quiet, peaceful day of fishing with Honorable Father. Paul "Trout Fu" Reed

Back to the DFC Archive index