DFC #331

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Mommy, we're just wondering if you're going to send us back to rehab for this or not....Ahab

"Okay Mom, settle a little bet we got going. Was Dad dead before or after you hit him with the vase?"Chewie

So the server crashed again, huh? I'll have to boys back in the lab check out the fragments and maybe we'll have a firmware upgrade by Friday.bobo

"Forgive my exuberance. When I flashdance, I just can't help it."pony

Mom, I don't think letting M. Magritte stay here is a good idea. A window just materialized over Dolly's head, there's a lump of moss growing on my chest and, if you'll notice, one of the things you're cleaning up is an ear.phil

"No Thel, it wasn't 'I Dunno' or 'Not Me' it was 'I Don't Give A Fuck'!!"Bil's Drinkin' Buddy

"I did not break it. Blame it on the ghost 'Not Me'. I am innocent." -HaikuMagus

Wow Dad was right, you really can break plates on that hair. Did you even feel that plate Billy chucked?Yakko

As Thel gathered the evidence and assured Jeffy it was a weather balloon, Dolly saw to it that the other witnesses never mentioned the alien bodies to another living soul.Norm DePlume

"We captured another Jewish conspirator, Nanny!" -- this week on Gestapo Babies.Mycroft

I like it when you squat/ It alows me to see your twat... Thank you, thank you you're too kind...Opie

My clients are willing to plea-bargian down to Horseplay 2: 2-4 days grounding, no allowance penalty...Kurt L.

Look, all I'm saying is if Gran'pa really *wanted* his ashes to stay in that little urn, then why does he keep haunting us every night?bobo

PLATTE FALLS (AP)--Cartoonist Bil Keane, 48, and his four children were found dead in their homes of multiple lacerations Monday night. At large is Thelma Louise Keane, 44, wife of the cartoonist. She was last reported staggering along I-35 repeating softly, "By the way, I need 24 cupcakes for school today." Contact the Platte Falls Police Department if you have any info.Heath

"Using a diaphram thats that old and brittle is just asking for another visit from the melon fairy"Crackhead Jonny

*Ahem* Sorry to bother you, ma'am, but the reconstruction of Goya's 3 May 1808 is beginning in the day room. Dolly is playing the Spanish army, as you recommended.phil

So what? In seven years I'll still be a five-year old -- now THAT'S bad luck!Gen. Sedgwick

How was I supposed to know what Liquid Nitrogen would do to Barfy?Terminus

Keane, Jeffy. Private. 039485738. Keane, Jeffy. Private. 039485738.Gen. Sedgwick

By age 6, Jeffy's terror tactics and megalomania had reached new heights. One of his favorite methods was to go over the panels for the next week, and smash any that were "unfavorable" to him. Too frightened to speak out, Mom just calmly picked up the pieces. -- from "Circle Jerk -- The shocking truth about Jeffy Keane" by Perry Julius Keane.The Dog

"I've said it before and I'll say it again: people who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass"Westur the Unspeakable

"I guess I'm lucky that the vodka screws up your aim, eh Mom?"hangtownman

"Our lives were so miserable that we sought refuge from the torment any way we could. I remember whenever we saw Jeffy carrying anything breakable we would sneak up on him and yell, 'UNCLE ROY IS LOOKING FOR YOU!'"--In the Circus Without a Net, Dolly Keane-SchultzCoyote

"It was a painfully routine occurence. Because I couldn't speak to defend myself Jeffy blamed the incident on me while Billy held my arms as Dolly pummled me senseless."--Still Incontinent After All These Years, Ptolemy Johannes Keane Coyote

"I absolutely, positively did NOT break the vase, and I swear to devote all my time to finding the real culprit."Magus

Not Me broke the dishes. Not Me stole my valium. Not Me sodomized the dog, thought Thel calmly. I suppose these little fucks won't mind, then, if Not Me cuts them all down with an AK-47.agm (based on Agent Todd caption in 267)

Mom, you'd better come quick. Dolly just played twelve straight hours of Wing Commander III, and now she's offering PJ a "warrior's death."Heart of The Werehamster

Her subtler cries for help having been ignored for so long, Thel began carefully depositing her broken crack vials in selected areas of the house. And still, Jeffy wanted to talk about "Dolly gut-punchin' PJ" rather than her problems.Galahad

"Fuller Brushes as a product placement? Is that why the door-to-door salesman was so happy?"Disco Fever. Y'know.

We 'cided. P.J. did it. Lucky for him he's the only one young enough not to get brush beatings, huh?Vice Pope Doug

"I learned early on to carefully structure my communication so neither my parents nor my siblings were motivated to initiate reprisals against me. I was a creative child, and of course, my mother never suspected that my endearing hugs against her lucious, braless bosom were sexually motivated until a much later age". -- from "Impeachment Can Be Keane", autobiography of William Jefferson Keane, 60th President of the United States.Vice Pope Doug

I'm not gonna lie to you, Ma. We fucked up royal!Doc Evil

How could I have done that? You've had me handcuffed since 9 AM!Nethicus

Don't worry--Dolly and Billy are getting a written confession from Peej. Speaking of which, got any arm splints?Coalcracker

"I'm sorry, mommy. It's just that I can't help feeling like I have to break out, sometimes. It's as if I'm trapped in some sort of tiny circular world, doing the same thing over and over again."JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy

The huge, misshapen bird in the window waited. It's time would come...it's time would come.zen

It's just as well we couldn't juggle worth shit. This way no one has to tell Dad that Ed Sullivan's dead.Gen. Sedgwick

Geez, Mom, you buy me a T-Shirt with the Face of Satan on it and still wonder why I misbehave?Vitamin Tom

Long broken, Thel unquestioningly swept up the mess made by the menfolk.M

There's something about seeing my father have a hissy fit and scream like a girl that just chills me to the bone.Hugh Jass

Wouldn't an eraser do a better job?Hugh Jass

"Me, Jeffy and Dolly all have our 'fetus-after-8-weeks' t-shirts on, but we're still trouble getting the 'little martyr' to swallow the explosives."Opti

Mistakes were made...Doc Evil

Wait, I don't quite get it...the tormented faces of all those I've wronged will float before my eyes BEFORE or AFTER I go to Hell? anon

Well, you live in a house where your sister films gay porn while llamas at the window look on, and you'd be careless too! Colin

"Man! Those velociraptors hatch fast! By the way, have you seen Sam or Barfy?"ks

"Well, I guess now we know it takes more than one Valium-popping housewife to screw in a lightbulb..."ks

"By this time Jeffy was so desperate for the spotlight he would take the blame for anything we did. Don't think we didn't use that to our advantage every fucking day." Keen Keanes; The Collaborative Autobiography of Dolly, Billy, and PJ Keanethe skyclad answer

Thanks for picking up the mess, Mom. Now if you could do something about my sucking chest wound, I'd be eternally grateful.Riff

"I know it was wrong, but when I looked at your John Tesh concert tour commemorative plate, something in my head just snapped."Tim

"While they're in there getting their stories straight, I've slipped away to see if I can bail my own weasel ass out of this."Tim

"Guess which hand has the remorse, and which hand has the bitter contempt for authority."Tim

"The random destruction will continue until our demands are met."Dark Toast

"Was that the commemorative plate that showed all six of us in a daisy chain?"Generik

"Dow implant popped again, huh, Mom? That's the second one this month!"Generik

"Uh, Mom? Look, we know it's been hard what with Dad leaving you for that towel boy and your Prozac running out and all, but don't you think something other than a wire brush and a snow shovel would be better for cleaning this up?" Podbeing

In this panel, Jeffy takes full advantage of the "primary speaking roll" clause in his contract to finger his siblings.Podbeing

Along with his plate, Jeffy's ego was shattered that day. For years afterward, he'd walk around mumbling, "Couldn't glue, plate....couldn't glue, plate...."phil

"You're taking this pretty calmly. Dr. Cuthbertson upped your dosage?"Heath

After you're done cleaning do you want to join us in the living room for our weekly "pin the dick on the baby" game?munkiman

Gee Mommy, that's like the third Sigfried and Roy collectors plate of Daddy's that you've broken this week!Opie

It was an accident. Your breasts got in my eyes.kramm

Well, what the hell do you expect when we're playing "Kossovo Torture" with PJ as the lone Albanian.K-man

Society did it.Mr. Ben McClellan

Stood on you, plate!ks

"We were jus' playin' Frisbee. Then we decided, hell, it'd be more fun to smash some fuckin' dishes!"ks

Smashed all the plates and stormed out to the bathhouses, right? This always happens when Charles Schulz gets another award.Horselover Fat

"It was trying to run away with the spoon. Action had to be taken. Harsh action."ks

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