DFC #333

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

You straighten up, or we're gonna send you to live with Walter Miller's grandfather! That's worse than military camp, bucko!Mr. Ben McClellan

No dicipline worked better in the Keane household better than the threat of a t-shirt with a slogan on it.Doc Evil

Young man, you know I brought you into this world, and I can take my pencil and erase you from it in a heartbeat! Now, straighten up!Mr. Ben McClellan

You look anymore listless and you're gonna look like a stoner! Young man, you know I target my wholesome cartoons towards families! What kind of message are ya tryin' to send to them?Mr. Ben McClellan

"I just found out it's pronounced 'spa-ghetti'. Isn't that weird?"Heath

Billy! Don't be a hero! Don't be a fool with your life!Opie

I know that the panel is as sparse as a Dilbert cartoon! That's the whole point--if that Scott Adams moron can get paid an assload of cash not to draw backgrounds, then I should get paid, too!agm

"And you'll stay there untill you learn to stop smuggling Soylent Green in from the Difficult Zone." The one and only Don C.

What did I tell you about remaking my cartoons so they were actually funny?Mr. ?

You will wear the gimp costume!Mr. ?

It's up to you now, Jeffy, to make your way to the center of the labyrinth and kill the minotaur.Mr. ?

Young man, I am very disappointed with your column in this week's New York Times!Bill

I don't care what we had for dinner last night! When I say "Pull my finger," you'll damn well pull my finger!Mr. Bap

"Kid on you, wall."The one and only Don C.

No, see, it says right here in the anti-subtext FAQ: she kissed Gabrielle just to transfer her spirit, see? See?Bill

"Food on you, gate! Hood on you, freight! Mood on you, date! Good on ewe, mate!" -- from Pushing a joke too far: Why Scott Adams is rich and we couldn't even afford furniture, by William Hearst Keane, Jr.Heath

Billy, do you know where my newspaper is? Daddy was soused again, and that could only mean one thing: Pain. Soon. Now Billy, you wouldn't hide good ol' Dad's newspaper on him, would you?Buoy

Get it straight, Flipper Boy. It's not because your Mommy drank during pregnancy. It's God's judgment on the heathen whore.Trism.

You want furniture? Okay, I'm drawing you as an easy chair, you smart ass.Peon

Did you mug that Van Pelt boy for his shirt again? I'm proud of you, my boy!Doc Evil

Now Billy, I know we're hard up for cash but did you really have to pawn the toilet? It was the best piece of clip art we owned.bobo

"Why can't you be a happy camper like your brother?!"Mycroft

"In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"Thomas Wilde

'When are you going to act your age' was an especially cruel cut at the Keane household.Heath

"Well, you killed your siblings, put your mom in a coma, and ate both of the dogs. What do you have to say for yourself, young man?!"JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy

I love you son... That's why I'll kill you last.Doc Evil

"Very well, Barfy my lad! If you cannot control your bladder in the house, I shall have to whack this newspaper across your muzzle!"Roscoe

Billy sank to the ground, covering his head and screaming about God trying to touch him, and the color outside the bubble. Lord Zombie

Well, you just remember that some earthquake victims have no walls to hold up!Microman

"Now son, let's forget those nasty child labor laws and take a look at the want ads."recook77

Hey, it's not my fault we can't send you to college. You're the one who wanted to invest your college fund in the Asian markets.Elkman

Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?Doc Evil

Silence of the Lambs: The Housebreakinganon

Now get back in there and apologize to President Yeltsin for asking him if a Black Russian is as well hung as a Black American!Kman

...and cut this "Not Me is sodomizing me on his lap" crap this instant.Orrin Bloquy

"That's him, officer! That's the one who stole my purse!"Magus

Young Man, I just finished reading about your internship in Washington...Very Disappointing!Monkey Boy and the Gimp

Don't lie to me. I see the shadow behind you. Who's been touching up the strip when I'm out? Was it you? Your sister? Barfy? Tell me or we're going camping again. JAS

"Your Brother and Sister worked hard to put on their 'Deliverance' play, so you go out there and be the best damned Ned Beatty you can be!"HanoverF

Bil's attempts at moral superiority were frequently obviated by his ridiculous white shoes.kanemochi_B

Don't look to me for sympathy, young man! I told you that gerbil would get stuck in there one of these days!Kurt L.

Hoping to distract Bil away from the orgy of jealousy-fueled rage and self-recrimination that inevitably followed his each reading of Snoopy, Billy resorts to hiding his "medicine."kanemochi_B

"Furniture?" Never heard of it. Imagination is good, but learn to keep it in check, young man...Kurt L.

'Keane commonly submitted pornographic material to us to be distributed for his panel. For this particular one, we had to get ourwriters to hastily draw shirts on both men, airbrush the whip out, and replace the dog collar & leash with a harmless newspaper.' from a former Cowles employeeagm

"You saw nothing. Nothing, understand!?!"Doctor Gimpenstein

A rattan totebag does too go with mauve!Horselover Fat

Because rooms with 120 degree corners have the largest floor area for a given length of wall, that's why. Now go in the kitchen and distill me a glass of waste alcohol from the fish excrement in the aquaculture unit.garden weasel

As his father droned on and on about wanting to see the inside of Billy's arms, Billy kept thinking "I'll bet I could score some good China white for those Cazals the old man is wearing"anon

Come on! Deepen that slouch! Roll those eyes! You've got to work to be a good slacker!Lost in Erehwon

How many times do I have to tell you? Never wave at the security camera when bombing a Federal building! Young man, you are grounded for a week!jfw

Now the Pottstown Argus-Independent has dropped us, too. Don't just stand there--think of something FUNNY! Or at least precocious. Aw, forget it--you're just dead wood. You and all your lousy siblings. Dead wood.Coalcracker

"Billy J. Keane, you stop dissolving the molecular fabric of the universe THIS INSTANT!"Magus

No, I'm not guessing which hand! Give me back my damned rotator cuff!Riff

Once again Bil forgets that they're more dangerous when cornered.Gen. Sedgwick

I'm going on another extended vacation -- start drawing, you little pissant.Gen. Sedgwick

J'accuse!Gen. Sedgwick

"Son, you are going to stand right there and think about all the trouble you've caused. Maybe next time you won't be so callous about leaving out the "close italics" HTML tag in your caption."Mycroft

"Dammit Billy! If you can't learn to act straight & worship God you'll never be a Boy Scout!dannyboy

"No, you're the one who's tilted."Mycroft

You'll get your damn furniture back when you learn that Uncle Roy LOVES my white shoes and matching belt, and, once again, your incessant teasing has made him cry.Dr. Strangeways

A real man could stand while handcuffed without using some girly wall!The Plague

"Don't make me get my eraser"Crackhead Jonny

Billy, having already had his prostate ckecked twice this week, began to wonder about Bil's motives. Crackhead Jonny

Sure, a lot of fathers teach their sons how to jack cars, sell crack, and do drive-bys, but only a few caring dads will go that extra mile and coach them on how to behave in a police lineup. --Parent 'Hood by Bil Keaneks

"So, wait, I put my right hand in, and then what?" Billy began to regret his offer to teach Bil the Hokey-Pokey.ks

As I endured yet another lecture about spending too much time with Charlie "Dutch" Schultz and the boys down at the restaurant, I suddenly knew I'd have to have Dad taken care of. --Goodmelons by "Fat Billy" Keaneks

"That's odd," Mr. Keane remarked. "I could have sworn I left my car keys right there." --The Man Who Mistook His Son For An Endtableks

"While you're under my roof, you will say p-sghetti, you will eat p-sghetti, and you will like p-sghetti. If I ever hear you say 'pasta' again you'll be out on the street so fast it'll make your ass spin!"hangtownman

Thin and haggard from his most recent bout with heroin addiction, Bil taunts his oldest son, who has been handcuffed and forced to wear one of Dolly's skirts. Purple Chez

"I don't care if it was a compliment! You do not tell your classmates that Mommy's a tiger in bed."Heath

I talked about love. I talked about Plato and Socrates. I referred to the newspaper, noting the many popular entertainers who share a similar lifestyle. But although I tried to maintain an enthusiastic facade, explaining to the kids about Uncle Roy was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. --PJ Has Two Daddies: Coming Out of the Circle by Bil Keaneks

"Unnnngaaaaaa.....Unnnnngaaaaaaa...shadow BAD!......SHA...DOW... BAD!Opie

"Sure I like enjoyed playing such sophomoric games with my schoolboy peers, but when my drunken father chased me around the house with a freshly picked 'Boogie' on the end of his finger, it was just pathetic." Session 132, Tape 4Opie

"And you're going to stay at a 45-degree angle until you stop talking to imaginary numbers!"Heath

Uh. Push my finger! How sad, thought Billy. His only speaking part in months and he fucks it up.L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg

According to this copy of "Publisher's Weekly," you and your siblings have gotten advances for more than forty different hilariously-named autobiographies. You're going to stay in this corner and think about what you've done until I get a cut.L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg

Goofus leans on freshly painted walls.Coyote

"All right, young man... now Riverdance!"Generik

Comparing this to the Sistine Chapel, we see Man (demonicus melonia) reluctant to even reach out to its Creator (bottle-upendicus talentless).twomp

When Bil found that his cartoon was no longer syndicated, he took it pretty hard. "Our circle is dead. We are the void." he'd say. He never did put down that paper.anon

Whenever the Keane's misbehaved, Bil got out 'the strip'.anon

Sleepy postures! Listless action! Somebody should get Bil a copy of How To Draw Comics The MARVEL Way!Larry Hastings

How many times do I have to tell you? Don't kill your siblings. I need them for tax purposes.Hoff

Okay, now stand right there and do 10 cute things. We can only afford one segment of the "dotted line" bit this week...Bill

I'm sorry, son, but last week's "Billy drew it" cartoon wasn't scribbly enough. I'm going to have to take another finger...Bill

It would start off with pulling the finger. Then I'm pulling his nose, tugging on an ear, and by the end of the night we would go through a box of Trojans and a bottle of Tequila. Excert from Never Call Me Keane by Billy Keane anon

As Bil droned on about the new expanded version of "Watchtower", Billy felt his mental reserves begin to crumble.The 13th Angel

'Relax. If Houndini could do it, you can do it. This room takes forever to fill with water, anyway.'The Dark Wanderer

"I drew a blank, featureless void! What are you doing there?" Crazy Climber

"Cowboy green," Bil berated me. "Going yesterday climb." I don't know what was in those pills Jeffy slipped in Dad's drink, but I never got off the hook as easy as I did then.M

Through the PCP haze, Billy thought he saw the gang sign for 'screw you, fuckhead' and the next thing Bil knew, there was a snarling, foaming mass of white boy clawing at his kneecaps.Westur the Unspeakable

"If you want to do Man Walking Against The Wind in this house, young man, you lose that white beret and get a black one. Or you're no son of mime."Galahad

You stay there young man, until you come up with a balanced budget BOTH house of Congress will agree on.Tracy (it's just that simple)

Hey, everybody, if you cover Bil with your hand it looks like God himself is asking Billy to pull his finger.Opti

Move over, son. It's my turn to sit on the imaginary sofa.bobo

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