DFC #334

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Looks we are slowly working our way through Barfy's digestive tract ... I think that's the exit up ahead!"Doc Savage

Let me get this straight: I'm supposed to sympathize with you because you were TOO TALL to be in the space program? Momma, everyone knows women don't belong in space. Our "vacuums" are here in the hall closet.Hey, it's a 50's strip.

o/` Said the melonhead to the gutter slut / Do you hear what I hear? o/`Werehamster

Screw those wussy communist bastards, and screw their wussy space station!The Plague

Keep working on that lazer vision, mom. Soon, you'll defeat that Superman!Mr. ?

Why are you just standin' there, Mommy! IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US!!! Run, you ugly dike, run!!Mr. Ben McClellan

Whoa! Was there a sale of halftone at the 'Lil Cartoonists Shop again?Coalcracker

I keep forgetting. Does one light mean that Prince Valiant is going to lay waste to our village or does it mean that Andy Capp is going to drink all of our booze again?bobo

You mean that it's just the light on the T.V. station tower? Man, that Art Bell is full of shit.bobo

Well, there it goes, Mom, Dad's last remaining shred of talent. Now what do we do?Joe Z

I dunno, Mom--do you think you can fool Dad with that Star of Bethlehem/immaculate conception crap EVERY time one of your boyfriends breaks a rubber? I mean, c'mon--FIVE times?the holy virgin marty gray

I told you not to get him zip-a-tone for his birthday. But, oh, no, you wouldn't listen to me.Lost in Erehwon

"From the look of the kitchen, that's about as close as you ever get to Comet."hangtownman

"Darn it, I missed the Boob Fairy again!"hangtownman

Dad's right Mom - by the light of a single faint star, your face isn't quite so godawful horrid.zaxis

"Now, if my mammary serves, that would be Lactus Major, also known as the Big Nipple."Dreg

The old folks say if we follow that, it leads north to three dimensions and freedom. Is that true?Gen. Sedgwick

Look, I know he has problems adjusting to contemporary life, but I don't think Cowles will accept a Skylab-reentry panel at this late date.Gen. Sedgwick

"I sure hope my ensuing caption is cute and heartwarming enough. Otherwise, today's panel is a fuckin' waste of ink."tv's Spatch

It's called an "Eclipse". It's when the moon moves in front-- oh what's the point? You damn geocentrists are all alike!Nethicus

Quick! Somebody call the observatory and tell them a new asterisk is forming!El Vez

Much like the Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland, the Dysfunctional Family Circus slowly faded away until there were only lesbians left, and eventually even those were swallowed up by the void.Mycroft

"We munchkins can't help you get home, Dorothy -- but here comes someone who can!"Mycroft

So a "Black hole" has nothing to do with Uncle Roy?Coyote

Milton Bradley's biggest flop of the '70's - The Family Circle Lite Brite bobo

I wished to be in a new comic strip, how 'bout you?anon

It's a new, third color he calls 'gray.' It's apparently a mixture of the other two.agm

"Mom I don't see the great Klan meeting in the sky that you said Grampa went to."Crackhead Jonny

"Good on you, night!"not a chance in hell

"Life sure has been a bitch since we started to drift away from the sun, eh Ma?"hangtownman

Thel stared more closely at the "star," noticing that it was blinking... in morse code... falling back on her Girl Scouts training, she translated the message: K I L L... E M... K I L L... E M... A L L...Shifter

What the fuck do you mean, "...first star I see tonight"? That's Venus...and it's a planet, you stupid bitch!R.J. M.

That's not grandpa's spirit, it's just a star...we can't see grandpa 'cause he's burning in hell...and he's weeping and gnashing his teeth...I learned that in Sunday school!R.J.M.

We've been out here for over four hours...I'm beginning to think there ain't no fuckin' snipe out here!R.J.M.

"Mom don't you feel it's demeaning to wait out hear while dad drinks you good looking again?"Crackhead Jonny

"Mom, do you ever wonder if there's other comic strips out there?"JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy

"Mom! Dad's wearing your high-heeled shoes again, and Grandma's teeth fell into the fishtank and are stuck in the little castle, and Billy's using one of your tampons as a light saber. And tell Jeffy I'm not a tattle. What's the walkie-talkie for?"Heath

"Dolly, honey, if you sing one more chorus of `From a Distance,' Mommy will crush your head like it's a melon-shaped bag of doggie doo."Dr. B

Sadly, Thel realized too late that it was impossible to go blind staring at a lunar eclipse. With a soft sigh she followed her daugher back into the stinking hellhole that was her life.Westur the Unspeakable

"Sagan was wrong - I count seven, eight tops. Billions, indeed!"Westur the Unspeakable

SETI says they've translated the signal! It says, "Whoa, man, I'm tripping my..."Bill

Jesus, Ma! "Got Milk" or what?!?Rotter

Actually, Daddy being abducted doesn't faze me--it's the "we chose you to teach our people this concept of 'humor'" part that gives me the willies.spinn (raiding the okay list)

Dad better draw something funny so we can have the 'lectricy turned back onBubba

That's not a "Tremor in the Force" after all. Bil just had broccoli for dinner again. Walrus

Wow! Daddy found a completely different way to draw a featureless void!ks

You're right--I can feel my cycle synchronizing.ks

Stubborn shadows? Caked-on darkness? Try new Nite-B-Gone, from Maybelline!ks

"I think I just stepped on a cricket."ks

"O wondrous cosmic ballet. O silent testament to the divine mastery of infinite creation. O boundless universe and boundless soul. And by the way, nice tits, Mom."Jizmo the Wonder Horse

I never can remember how far behind Daddy is -- is that Hale-Bopp or Kohoutek?Gen. Sedgwick

"It's an enormous ball of white-hot gas. Which reminds me, pull my finger."ks

You're right--I can feel my cycle synchronizing.attrib lost-- resubmit to claim

Now howl in a tortured, forlorn manner. It's a trick I learned from Barfy. He says it really helps him cope.attrib lost-- resubmit to claim

"Dear Lord," Thel wished, "Please give me just one night in which Bil doesn't get his head stuck in that big warehouse-club-sized jar of mayonnaise." Dolly frantically raced outside with God's answer.Rotter

"The last thing I remember was Dolly saying 'Do you think Grampa's having p'sgetti in heaven?'....Then everything went black."--excerpt from the trial of William Keene Jr.The Dork Wanderer

Looks like he's up there for the night. All we can do is hope he doesn't shit down the chimney again.zamboni

"Granddad lighting his farts again?"Dave Matthews

So, what are you wishing for? Me, I always wish for death's sweet release. Maybe one day!Coalcracker

"I can see through to the TV listings...is that normal?"Trainman

We had always talked about pulling Jeffy's finger, but until now, no one had ever done it...phil

"...What did Jesus tell you to do after disemboweling the first-born?"Generik

"Can we go sleddin' in a nuclear winter?"Generik

"Mom! Look out! Someone's erasing in the crossword puzzle too vigorously!"M

Cover art of P-Funk's latest album, Melonship Connection.Gen. Sedgwick

Whoa, Thel! Major slippage alert in Mammary Zone One!Hideo Spanner

And when then the light left Cyngus-B 10,000 years ago, I was still only five fucking years old!Bill

"Yep- that's all the non-Impossible Zone left. An' it's Billy's fault - all those goddamn 'dik play' remarks."The Venerable One

"Visitors, we are ready for your wisdom... And you only have forty-five minutes until 'Sanford and Son' comes on."Barbrady

Dolly's inane prattle only made Thel more resolute: she would watch, she would wait, and when the race of super-intelligent Space Ants landed in their warships, she would sell each and every melon-headed one of them into slavery. "Hail," she called softly to the skies, "hail insect overlords!"me, myself, I

Bet you didn't know that Bil also worked in such media as white-out on Perry Como LPsMoorlock

Give it up, Mom - there's no way back to the Planet of the Swan-Necked Amazons.Riff

Mom, there's three old guys on camels at the door and they say they have gifts for PJ - should I release the dogs?Riff

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