DFC #339

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

No, it's my tree! I bought the clip art book all by myself!Werehamster

"All right, Dad! Now the spinner says 'right leg on blue'."Heath

Prime on you mate!!!R.J.M.

"Mate on you, wood!"Humblest Apologies

You are NOT a doctor of proctology in Mexico!NME--

Remember, kids, if Mr. Stranger Danger begins chasing you, the best thing to do is get to a place where he can't follow you and scream for help. And remember, siblings and pets are acceptable losses.Ultra-Girl

Bil was outwitted again by the crafty tree with its alluring crotch.anon

Freud might have surmised the house in the background was likely built by a male architect with a narrow-shafted yet bulbous-headed penis. What Freud might surmise of our treehouse architects is unthinkable without Codeine, EST and an Aloe-coated propeller.Trevita

No! Get your own knothole!Luna

My, you certainly are the confused cornophiliac. This is the tree-house. You want the out-house, which is about a quarter mile due southeast.Mumbo Jimbo

"I knew Tarzan. Tarzan was my friend. And, believe me, Senator, you are no Tarzan."Sen. Jesse Helms

"Admit it -- you had help with this one, didn't you?"Mycroft

Stay away from me you pervert...I know about you now!-Billy's response after climbing the tree of knowledge of good and evilR.J.M.

Illustration from original printing of Darwin's "On the Origin of Species," depicting early man descending from the trees. Tens of thousands of years later, they evolved into humans. Crazy Climber

Sam suddenly realized that if he jumped up and yanked at Billy's shoelace, this entire intricately drawn cartoon would unravel. This is what eventually led to Bil's style of crappy illustration.LadyJ

When Drunken Cartoonists Attack, next on FOXMr. ?

You may have big-ass glasses like Woody Allen, you may be a general fuckup like Woody Allen, you may have unaccountable luck in the babe department like Woody Allen, but you're no Woody Allen. I mean, can you even spell Kierkegaard?Horselover Fat

"Sure, Bil, we get it. You get to climb the best tree anyone has ever drawn. Two hours ago when we got here, it was just lines and curlicues. I see." Looseleaf

"Ahoy! Drunken, talentless cartoonist off the starboard bow. Prepare to repel boarders!"hangtownman

"A saw! Use a saw! Jesus Christ, haven't you ever heard of a saw?"Gen. Sedgwick

"I think I found the problem, Dad. Ever since you lost your glasses, your artwork has improved tremendously!" Crazy Climber

"Extreme failure! SURGE!!!"Ah, why not? - bobo

He's always after me Lucky Charms!Namgubed the Merry Elf

Ow! Not on ME! Pour the boiling oil on HIM!!NME--

"Pull my finger!" and "Almost there you old lush!" were the only words that filtered into Bill's vodka soaked brain, as little Billy's taunts led him further into the trap...Rik Landis - Has No Monkey Heart. Will Pay Top Dollar!

"Every day father would make us practice what to do in case the pirates attacked. Eventually we just pushed him into one of Jeffy's tiger traps." The Dys Family Robinson by Billy Louis Stevenson KeeneJohnBoy

"From time to time, my desperation led me to run away from home and find a better-drawn children's story to live in. On one occasion, I spent nine happy days with the Cheshire Cat before my father tracked me down and dragged me back to the featureless void..."--from Shattered Circle, by William Keane Jr.Desscribe

Aw, Bil! Can't you get it through your thick skull? It's rifle, bell tower, bystanders, not pistol, tree house, canines! bobo

(Headline) Inebriated Man Fleeing Imaginary Tiger Collides with Tree in Back Yard / Horrified Children Witness Severe Groin Injury. Noos

Philosophers don't even bother debating, "Can Bil Keane draw a tree he cannot climb?"Heath

"I was kidding. Valium doesn't grow on trees, sheesh!"Heath

Dad, NO! Stay down there. I don't care how good you are at it, I don't want to see you tripping anything into a frenzy of any kind of play!the skyclad answer

Forget it, Bil. I don't think the tree wants to dirty dance with you, and the lambada craze died out in 1990 anyway.Elkman

Now I know why all the bark's worn out there. Eeeewwwwwwwwwww!Elkman

Don't give us that 'I just want to spend quality time with my sons' bullshit! We know you just want to catch of a glimpse of Dolly in the tub again, you sick fuck!agm

You're the one who didn't make the house payments on time. Find your own damn tree!Nethicus

I see England/I see France/I see a fat, useless, weak ass drunk who can't climb a 3 foot treemunkiman

Production temporarily halts at Keane Studios Inc. after the children refuse to remove the clip art they found at a nearby seed catalog shoot.bobo

"No, No! Go away! We want to be HAPPY campers!"hangtownman

All who pass through this tree must answer The Riddle of the sPJinx! If you answer wisely, you may continue on your way unharmed. If you answer unwisely, then your final sight shall be of Barfy pissing on your still-beating heart...Kurt L.

"Some days, he was so stoned he'd mistake himself for a giant tree sloth and dangle innert for 5 hours before losing his grip."-- Circle Jerk, the diary of Billy Abraham KeaneMagus

Aesop later rewrote his fable to include a wolf, because The Boy who Cried 'Pedophile Hack Cartoonist' was, in the words of the author, "just too fucking bleak".Westur the Unspeakable

...and for the rest of his tortured, tragic life, Billy would become apoplectic at the sight of white loafers.The Dog

Throw the rocks! He's got that "Scoutmaster" look again.zamboni

"Dad, just get mom, Dolly and PJ and an extra large box of diapers and hurry. By the way, how big did you say a cubit was again?"Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

Let's see: We've got PJ, on all fours, in a tent, in a tree, wearing a toupee. Sorry guys, this cartoon just makes my brain hurt.Tangent

"Loafers without socks! Saaaaay! Someone's been watching Miami Vice reruns!"Shem

Can't you read the sign? No girls allowed!Gen. Sedgwick

The IFFP subsequently ruled that Billy wasn't high enough in the tree for Bil's finger pull to qualify for extra degree-of-difficulty points.Gen. Sedgwick

Hurry if you want to see, Bill. Lucy is doing Charlie like never before!Coyote

In the midst of his Acid-"Nam" flashback, Bil Keane attempted to escape "charlie" with pitiful results.Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

Damn, Sam loved 'acid-trip Thursday.' If he barked, they'd probably piss their pants.phil

Abraham and Isaac, ffrom Bil Keane's Contemporary Illustrated Bible. Caption: "Hey, what's the with the knife, Dad? Have you been hearing voices again lately?"Who me?

Bil's attempts to recapture his lost youth invariably concluded with a windfall for the chiropractor.Who me?

Tired of being stomped upon and having its walls kicked and scribbled on, the second floor of the house took advantage of its owners' inattention to begin its escape.Dr. Zam

"Wood kung fu, mate!"Generik - I still hate these caps

Back to the DFC Archive index