DFC #340

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Ok, one more time. I am not holding your Percocet behind my back, and I'm definitely not withholding it from you until you return my rollerskates. Do we understand each other now?" tv's Spatch

"Got time for a little mother-daughter chat about broken condoms?"Bil's Drinkin' Buddy

Don't you miss the house mommy? Donch'a hate these one bedroom apartments, mommy?Arjan

Oblivious to the chaos around him, Barfy peacefully dreams of boning Lassie.agm

I hope we go back to the Nineties soon. I can't figure out how those damn knobs on th' TV work!Doc Evil

Hey, Mommy? Do you know if it's safe to use a Class C fire extingusher on an electrical fire? Just in case it comes up...bobo

The Keane household, where the fun never starts.JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy

Where are they now: Betty Boop.Mr. ?

"If you and Dad let us age, we'd be at school now!"Heath

I have decided to take a bath...you may draw the water now.Aunt Bea's love child

Brood on you, mate!Lost in Erehwon

Extreme Homemaking, SURGE!Mr. ?

We secretly replaced the Keane's orange juice with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if they notice...Heath

"June Cleaver has time for her kids. Donna Stone has time for her kids. Laura Petrie has time for her kid...Heath

I knocked my shoulder out of socket on purpose. Now all I got is my broom guitar, 3 chords and the truth. I am Windmill Spice.Trevita

The pig's head on a stick (shown here tucked away under the ironing board) was the only feature in Bil Keane's Lord of the Flies Circus that was true to the book.hangtownman

This cartoon was rejected by Cowles when it was determined that the steam from the stove was, in fact, smoke signals for "I'm proud to be a boy lover."Hugh Jass

"Mom! The man on TV is trying to hypnotize me!"JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy

I'd help clean, but it seems some idiot's drawn me without joints again.Nethicus

"You never did care much for that waterbed, right?"Heath

There's a man at the door with Zero Population Growth brochures. Should I tell him that we already know and to fuck off?Robbbbb

Scene from the new Bil Keane Family Circus spinoff flop, "Purgatory Housewife."Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

Billy, noticing his father's nazi streetside preachings, throws a quick 'Heil' out the window.Magus

"So, Thel, the truth comes out! Not your precious darlings today, are we? And you were just telling me that my lifestyle is unfilial and unnatural? Well, breeders and hypocrites get what they deserve, I always say."Who me?

"So, any regrets about that contract for Lost in Space I hear you passed up?"Who me?

"Mommy, why are my calves already thicker than yours? Why is the sky white? Why are you holding PJ while using a hot iron? Mommy, where's Daddy? Mommy, is life is a journey, are we there yet? Mommy? Mommy?"Who me?

Thel, distracted, harrassed, and unable to make a run to the drugstore for feminine products, simply made do by strategically positioning her eldest with a cup.anon

We've secretly replaced the Keanes' Juicy Juice with Jolt Cola. Let's see what happens.Gen. Sedgwick

"I said hand him over, Mom. The pentacle is drawn, the candles are lit, and you don't want to mess with these forces." Crazy Climber

"Mom, would you spay me soon so I don't grow up into a feckless wreck like you?"Blue Meanie

Yep, he's actually drawing this... I guess this is his idea of "heart-warming humor." I'd beat the shit out of him, if I were you.Kurt L.

From Thel Keane's private diary: "PJ just loves to dance. I'm so happy! When he's in my arms it's like the rest of the world isn't even there." Crazy Climber

"No wonder he's crying, Mom - you would too if your uvula was caught on a coathanger!"Mark E. D. Sodd

Damn it Bitch,how am I supposed to watch my porno with all this rackettMephisto

We were considering going with the dotted-activity-line and a "Not-Me" tie in but on second thought we just figured, "Aw, fuck it - let's just trash the joint."buzz lightbeer

Hi, I'm Maria, the audit manager from Deloitte & Touche. We have concluded the interim audit and will need all of your fixed assets invoices from fiscal years 1993 - 1997 by the end of the week before we can issue an opinion.Fred

There's a lawyer at the door with a cease and desist order. He claims that Brett Butler has been doing the "drug-crazed, wife beaten, slutty mother of annoying children" routine for years.bobo

"Daddy just pulled up an' he's blind drunk again. I'm coverin' my ass... good luck on the rest of you poor bastards!"Generik

Well, maybe if you were a little "nicer" to Daddy, he wouldn't draw you into these sort of things as often!Ultra-Girl

See if you can find the following objects in this picture: a whore, a junkie, an ADD sufferer, an accident, and another whore. --Highlights magazine, at your dentist's officeLarry Hastings

Tell him you're busy? Funny, you're never too busy for the milk man.NME--

Before I say anything, allow me to point out that, in fact, an extra straw has never actually broken a camel's back...Kurt L.

I've been doing some scientific experiments on the pets. So far, I've discovered that Barfy's a real lightweight, and that Kittycat is a mean drunk!Kurt L.

"Bet you miss the featureless void, huh, Mom?"Desscribe

I hope this modest demonstration has made our point for us. Our terms are simple: until our allowances are increased by 500%, this house will remain your own personal little hell.Kurt L.

"This panel would have been great, but the day's shoot fell apart when, after the prop man spent two hours arranging the set, the camera angle showed that the set had no ceiling." -- Dolly's comments on Family Circus' Funniest Bloopers, ABC Looseleaf

Once again Jeffy failed to mow down Kittycat. 'Damn my cataracts.' thought Jeffy.ChAoS

Despite Bil Keane's staunchly pro-life stance and message, for some odd reason his cartoons kept being liscensed by N.O.W for their Pro-choice cartoon calanderDed_Fetus

P.J.'s need for protein drives him to eat the only thing with any nutritional value in the Keane household; freshly starched laundry.bobo

I just want you to know that you're the bestest mommy in the world and I really appreciate everything you do for us. Oh, and I accidentially killed Barfy in the living room with a shovel.bobo

Amidst all the chaos and confusion around him, Jeffy still found the grim persistence to balance a broom on the end of his ass for an entire afternoon.Mr. Fungfung

Oh Yeah, I need cookies to bring to school tomorrow. I said Oh Yeah, I need... where is that stupid fucking ghost?Not Werehamster!

That's not starch you're spraying on those shirts, that's angel dust. No wonder everyone's so hyper around here!Biosplatter

Hey mom, I need a ride to school today. Can we take the broom, or are you still trying to keep the whole witch deal under wraps?Elkman

Jeffy thrust the mower forward toward the unsuspecting tail. Kittycat will pay for his sins, he thought. Oh, yes, Kittycat will pay.Mycroft

"Whoa! Since when do we have light switches?"Mycroft

Mommy -- can we please have another double espresso?Lynn Gold

As if she didn't have enough problems already, Thel just remembered that there was that half mile hike to the closeline yet to go.cyn

Oh, for Chrissakes, you just pull the sticky tabs loose. You don't have to steam Pampers open.Gen. Sedgwick

Actual real-time video from www.prole-hell.com.Dave Matthews

In case you need it, Bil's loaded shotgun is in the unlocked cupboard, the toaster is plugged in next to the bathtub, there's enough rope in Uncle Roy's room to make a noose, and I put my copy of Final Exit on your nightstand.agm

Oblivious to the chaos around him, Billy goes for a Billy-to-Mom sky-high pull-my-finger, with a 2.8 degree of difficulty. anon

"Well, I'm up from my nap and now I'm goin' out to play - just thought you might like to know that. G'bye."Westur the Unspeakable

As the toy mower continued to accelerate, Jeffy Alva Keane realized that his new perpetual-motion engine might not have been the best idea - and certainly not in combination with the 'Super-stick-o hand grips'.Westur the Unspeakable

"I've secretly placed a full glass of grape juice on the edge of a table somewhere in this house. Have fun finding it before one of your darling little boys does!"Westur the Unspeakable

Meaningless life of unfulfilled dreams on you, mate.anon

"Mom, your 2pm and 2:45pm johns are here already, and neither ordered the Family Fetish scene."Stealth

King Features Syndicate's at the door, an' they've got urine specimen cups!!Namgubed the Merry Elf

As the scene erupted into total chaos, nobody noticed the wooden horse get up and quietly ride off into the sunset by itself.Vernal Johnson

Anything you want me to do after I Quantum Leap back to the Nineties?Doc Evil

Famous Last Words, #422: "Mommy, guess how many finger's I'm holdin' behind my back? Mommy? Mommy? C'mon, Mommy? Mommy, guess how many fingers? Mommy?"Paul Roub

"Maria, the doorbell just rang. See who it is, will you?"M

HA HA HA! "Homemaker!" That's not a REAL job! HA HA HA!Nethicus

"Oh, by the way, Daddy finished next week's strips, got into the rest of your Valium and won't be around for the next 12 days."tv's Spatch

This video from the security camera proved crucial to Thelma's eventual acquittal.Gen. Sedgwick

WHile Dolly distracted Thel with a humorous mis-pronunciation of some word she saw someone on Jerry Springer say, Jeffy mowed his brothers left leg off.munkiman

"I guess this is the best batch of meth you've cooked up yet!"hangtownman

"Daddy says he might come in from the hammock soon and this place had better be clean. Also, he said to make sure that you look 'nice,' and that we kids are being seen and not heard. Oh yeah, and bring him a beer now."M

"Hey Mom, got a minute? Hahaha! Bil told me to come in here and see if you snapped when I said that." Down the hall from Dave

Damn humans, running around, making noise, leaving a mess... What's that pulling my tail? Ah, Kittycat. Kiss your ass goodbye.Buoy

Okay, you've convinced me. I'll get the Norplant.Gen. Sedgwick

"Fine! If you can come up with ONE convincing pro-life argument, I won't go to the rally. But really, Thel, take a good look around..."Raven

Dolly said that Bil had dropped an old banana muffin behind the bed, and after weeks of starvation and neglect, Sam was damned if Kittycat would get to it first.agm

A clothesline, a wooden TV with knobs, a broom, an old ancient iron........what year is this?Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

"I see I'm not the only one sick of this '50s flashback already."Shem

Back to the DFC Archive index