DFC #341

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"I dunno. Could be free beer. Could be the whore house up the street is in business again. Could be a horrible wreck or fire with mangled bodies. Could be free pornography. What else do men care about? I'm beat and don't care. Pass the fuckin' gravy..."Tillman

You mean tripe is cow stomach? Fuckin' hell! Why didn't they tell me! I'm outta here!Nethicus

Guess I shouldn't have told 'em how I made th' gravy, huh Ma?Doc Evil

Good ennui, mate!Kurt L

"Well, screw them. I like The-Stuff-That-Grows-On-The-Bottom-Of-The-Bathtub-Mat Soup."Heath

"... an' so, moving d'rectly into lesson five, we learn that not only does God hate homosexshuls an' drinkers of wine, he also commands ten percent of your money ..." -- in what was later deemed to be an amazing coincidence, Dolly learned that the Mormon church is true the same exact week that Thel learned it was possible to strangle a child with a spatula.Vice Pope Doug

"They left 'cause you won't take that damn football helmet off. Yeah, it worked in Doonesbury, but this is different."not stupid

Snake Pilken in Escape from DFCMr. ?

"...And when I saw Titanic for the sixty-fourth time, I noticed the subtle nod Jack gives Rose near the end of the fancy dinner scene, a nod that could signify his knowledge of the ship's upcoming disaster. The dangling watch fob of his I noticed the thirty-ninth time I saw Titanic could tie into that nod by..."Dave Matthews

"So when they get back, then it's our turn to purge?"El Kabong

Boy, they sure seemed excited! Who are the "Village People," anyway?Kurt L

Geez, you'd think those black people up the street would learn not to walk by our house anymore...Kurt L

"No offense, but those fortune cookies you made were pretty fuckin' depressing."tv's Spatch

"You ain't no Alice. This ain't no 'Brady Bunch.' Get over it."PonyboyASU

So this is a testosterone thing? Somebody says "surge" and whatever it is, they all have to go do it?Horselover Fat

No, no, I am with you on the placenta stew-- I just, uh, need some salt. The pepper and Tabasco too.Horselover Fat

Amazing how fast a castration story can clear a table. But go on-- You hand his wife the severed organ; and then what?Horselover Fat

Aw, Mom, Haggis Helper again!The Most Rev. HolyOley

Maybe we shouldn't plan on makin' a pile of pasghetti and meatbulbs on the same day as the kegger at Uncle Roy's?anon

"Indoor plumbing. Look into it."Heath

Look on the bright side: we get to finish all their drinks.Trevita

Yes, Mom. The P.J. you see outside SPRINTING is the same P.J. who rolls his doody-riden butt all over the carpet until you carry him and then screams in your ear until you've cleaned up the whole house. Between him and your stylist, you're one gullible she-gump.Trevita

I think Daddy went to get us dessert. He mentioned something about going out to get his fudge packed. bobo

"Don't worry, they'll chase it down...but next time cook the damn turkey first.Yellow Dawg

I take it this has something to do with those cryptic comments about your "not-so-fresh-feeling."Gen. Sedgwick

Lucky thing Blondie's pheromones don't affect us like that, huh, Mom? ...Mom?Gen. Sedgwick

Mom, I think we need to talk about "personal freshness."k_B

"Some dogs are humping across the street. You try and figure out how their minds work."Mr. Fungfung

First time I've ever heard a Sno-Cone truck play "I Touch Myself."Gen. Sedgwick

Guess we shoulda spared 'em the details of our tryst in the tub.Gen. Sedgwick

"Bitch in heat, 'parently."anon

"Christ, you'd think there'd never been a sale on Jim Beam before!"Generik

The boys were long gone, gagging convulsively, stumbling outside to heave their guts out onto the lawn. Dolly, though, yawned casually and hefted another forkful of Tuna Surprise. Thel would have to get up much earlier in the day if she hoped to master the Iron Stomach of Dolly Keane.me, myself, I

Little Billy Simmons' looked at Dad the wrong way today. Now Dad's gonna kick some 6 year old ass.Walrus

Jesus, Thel. Thirty seconds without a man in the room and already you're slipping into an vacant neutral.Trevita

Here we see the adolescent Melonheadus Thickleggus awaiting its regurgitated p'sghetti from the lobotomized matron of the nest while the males of the nest wander off in search of Jeffy's other shoe.Eugene's a Nerd

I couldn't believe it either. A well drawn house in our neighbourhood?bobo

"...and also, Lord, we give thanks to craftsmen who built this fine table, and the lumber workers who felled the trees so that it could be built, and all the various shipping personnel who transported the raw materials to the mill, and all the gas station attendants who provided diesel fuel for the trucks. And let us not forget the general contractor re-did our kitchen in '77, nor any of the sub-contractors who her hired: not the cabinet man, nor the tile man, nor the plumber, nor the electrician, nor the other electrician, nor the plumber's assistant, nor the deliveryman who brought appliances, nor the painters, nor the third electrician. And also, Lord, we would give thanks to..."Westur the Unspeakable

Thel, it's called 'The Rapture,' and who the hell would have known that God hates p'sghetti?ThinkAndDo

"Maybe next time you shouldn't tell them about your heavy flow on pasketti night!"Generik

Bil and the boys rushed off to get an eyewitness view of the wrecked and spewing chemical tanker. After a long moment of silence, Dolly piped up, "You're not going to wear that when you accept Daddy's Darwinism award for him post-humously.?"Spit

This is just like sex...we're just getting started, and they're already finished!R.J.M.

OK, look at the chair and table legs, Mom. He drew the right number, in the right places, therefore he is not fucked up, therefore he is going out to get fucked up. I'm sorry, but the man is not exactly hard to figure out.garden weasel

"Now I see what you were talking about. The painting is a nice way to keep them alive in our memories. Let's clean up the mess, shall we?"M

What did you expect? The Village People are performing tonight at The Velvet Spike."Stealth

As my daughter and I sat alone and ignored, our hours of work unappreciated, she asked "Are we unworthy in the sight of God, Mommy?". It was then I knew I had to get us free, even if it cost me my life.... -- Excerpt from Not Without My Daughter : My Escape from the PromiseKeepers by Thelma Louise McShane Raven (It's her maiden name, y'see..)

"Sorry. Maybe I should have taken that Beano after all..."Raven

No wonder they're leaving. Get a load of the stink lines rising from this crud.ferret

Olestra + an outhouse = an interrupted, drawn out meal.zen

Daddy's dream really came true! A lingerie delivery truck crashed into a pharmeceutical supply van!anon

Personally, I don't have much faith in our hunter/gatherers.Riff

"Well mom, it looks like domestication didn't take for ANY of them. I'll start if off, okay? BORN FREEEEEE...."Alphax the Dimensional Rapist

Aww, Jesus, not again. One whiff of that Van Pelt slut crossing and uncrossing her legs, and those assholes are gone again. xian, the boy with the monkey heart

"Social Contrast: Hunters vs. Gatherers in modern life" by Bil Keane.ChAoS

"Are you sure you don't want those N.O.W. brochures?"twomp

"Looks like the fleet's in."Shem

You can't really blame them for leaving, Thel; that whore is way hotter than either of us!chrisx

I said I'm sorry I mentioned Ellie Patterson's curtains, OK?Peon

If you ask me, you should've seen it coming when he drew the enormous one-pane window.phil

Number Two in a series of Miserable World of Thel collector's plates.Ultra-Girl

Well, can you blame them? Did you really think to yourself: "Yeah..stick models of DNA strands all over the table...that'll be lovely."?Ultra-Girl

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