DFC #342

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

You fool! You fell victim to the simplest opening book I've seen since Kasparov's 1992 a3-c4/c4-d5 bishop gambit! Oh, time for my line--hang on for a second. "Mom, when's the gaspetti going to be ready?" Now, as I was saying...Coalcracker

OK, so the security cameras are here and here, but you can cut the power supp... Get back here and pay attention, dammit! I swear, if one of us could drive, you'd be OUT!Gen. Sedgwick

We need help with 43-Across, 10 letters, "Sperm-burping _____ (2 wds)" Any ideas?Gen. Sedgwick

My turn...Japan attacks Kamach...Kamak...Kamma...awe fuck it...Mongolia!R.J.M.

"If that's Little Ceasar's, we haven't seen their pizza and Dad isn't burying the delivery boy behind the shed."hangtownman

Oh, Mommy ... just so you know, I have NOT been havin' a 'fair with Luann -- no matter what nobody says!Vice Pope Doug

World Candy Land champion Jeffy Keane comtemplates his next move against an improved model of the Deep Lavender computer (shown behind Keane) that he faced last summer. Clearly, this is a more difficult match than Keane had expected.Jamey Powell (w/ thanks to Ruben Bolling)

Your upper-right corner group is clearly dead; a bent four is an exception to that rule. A Ko threat will only draw out the fight. And don't try to distract me with the old 'have to go answer the phone' routine: I'll just kick your butt on the next game.MrNeutron

Tholgril's Sacred Hammer can too do damage against etherials. What the hell kind of DM are you anyway?jimmy

What the fuck kinda word is "zjqulxy"? Cheating bitch! Don't even TRY that "Keane's International Dictionary" shit anymore either! Nobody makes a dictionary out of construction paper!Eh...

Mommy! You put "whoaaaaa im trippin my nut sack into a frenzy of dik play" on a triple word score! That's like, four hundred an' fifty points or somethin'!Mr. Ben McClellan

"Mutti, you must stop wearing that decadent dress. It is not suitable for a good German hausfrau." --translated from Das Familienzirk by Wilhelm Kiene, 1938Marnen Laibow-Koser

You landed on Hotel Dolly. That will be $1500 plus extra for the naked massage, extra for the porno, extra for the fanasy suite, extra for the whipped cream...Mr. ?

But Mom, we sucked all the bugs off the radiator grille yesterday!NME--

Thel had just wiped off the previous loogie as Dolly prepared to launch another volley at the back of her neck.lefty

The Keane version of 'Monopoly,' of course, features double-wide trailers instead of hotels, 'Tornado Alley' instead of Park Place, and ALL the Chance cards say 'Get out of jail free.'agm

"And remember, only by the kilo! None of this nickel-and-dime shit."Heath

"Get back here, you cheater! What the hell kind of a word is 'redrum?' And why have you been polishing that knife all this time?"JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy

It's Salvador Dali wanting to visit us again for inspiration.Mr. ?

Extreme Boredom, SURGE!Mr. ?

Whaddya mean "no free drinks" -- this is the crappiest casino I've been too!Yakko

"If it's the Vatican, tell 'em we have the shroud of Edward James Olmos, an' to wait for further instructions."Dave Matthews

"Oh, shit, I forgot to tell you. The I.R.S. called yesterday."anon

"Jesus, Mom, I know we needed the money, but that fucking phone sex line keeps interrupting 'Candy Land'!"Diedi

"Billy's body slumped over the table across from me, his life's blood pooling on the floor. P.J. stared in shocked silence while Dolly screamed and screamed, but Thel calmly wiped the pistol clean and went to answer the phone. We never spoke of it, but none of us ever tried to buy Reading Railroad again." -- Circle of Fear, by Jeff KeaneMycroft

Check on you, mate!Mr. Ben McClellan [what?!]

"Hey, Mom, Jeffy says that 'cunt' isn't a word. I say I heard Grover say it on Sesame Street once. Who's right?"JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy

Another demonstration of canine prescience: Sam has the ball gag ready before the first john calls.Gen. Sedgwick

Y'know, we played this at the Van Pelts, and their version doesn't have Mr. Lavender, the sauna, or a bullwhip.Gen. Sedgwick

Kittycat stared, unbelieving. He knew Bil was stupid, but surely not even he could build a stool with impossible triangle legs.Marnen Laibow-Koser

"Mommm! You know we can't play bridge with only the three of us, so get back here, roll the dice, and move your fucking pawn already!"Marnen Laibow-Koser

"Two and two, eight!"Marnen Laibow-Koser

Scrabble at the Keane house. Dolly plays "cat", C-A-T, for a triple letter score. Jeffy follows up with "butter", B-U-T-R, for 7 points. PJ takes the lead with, "ba!", S-G-P-Y-U, and swallows an M.Heath

I see it! It's a 3-D image of some cute and rather unfunny melon-headed family scene!Nethicus

Mom will you PLEASE tell Bil to quit calling? Tell him that we'll be there with bail money as soon as we finish this puzzle!! The one and only Don C.

Don't bother getting the phone, Mom. That's just a transparency Jeffy put up there as an April Fool's prank. Living in a cartoon world sucks, doesn't it?Lost in Erehwon

Jeez, Thel... you should know better than to turn your back on US....Furr

Wow, Thel!! "Euthenasia" on a Triple Word Score!Furr

Psychic Dolly amazed them all when she shouted out her prediction - "It's another collection agent!"Buzz Lightbeer

"That puts you in check, Jeffy. Mom, that hairstyle looks good on you. Mate."Werehamster

Quit washin' yer hands, Ma... The blood's only in your head!Doc Evil

Don't tie up the phone Ma, I gotta warn JFK! What's the point of being stuck in a time warp if ya can't fuck with history a little?Doc Evil

"Wow, that antique still works?" Thel winced, remembering when she said that to Bil the night before, under very different circumstances.phil

"Gee, Mom, getting on all those lending companies' telemarketing lists was a great idea. It's amazing how much money we can get from twelve mortgages!"phil

Hey, no fair! The apron counts as an extra garment, so you have an unfair advantage!Gen. Sedgwick

Tell the Sears guy that the perculator on our BOFFO ESPRESSO 6000 ain't doin' shit and we're jonesing our asses off over here, OKAY?!?Trevita

So shocking was the shrill ring of a phone that hadn't rung in years, Dolly inhaled few fishing lures from the display. It was a wrong number, naturally.Trevita

Tell them we're not accepting any orders until the next shipment!Kevy

MOOOOM! PJ's drooling all over southeast Asia! I took that territory fair and square, dammit!Riff

Can you spot this most obvious error in this picture? The hubcap on the top of refridgerator is virtually free of rust and grimes!Kevy

"Rook to Queen's Bishop 4, check," thought Sam. "Come on PJ, you little pinhead, it's obvious to me and I'm a dog!"hangtownman

Don't walk away Mom, you're stuck in Molasses Swamp. Now we get to cover your entire body in chocolate!Riff

Jeffy sat brooding, ignoring the others. He didn't know what purpose the giant handle on top of the refrigerator served, but he was sure that they had put it there just to mock him.Westur the Unspeakable

Dolly's "Household Appliance Ventriloquism" act quickly lost its novelty, because it was plain to see that she kept moving her lips!!!The Puckman

"Hey, no fair. kill me now end misery isn't even touching any of the other words!"tv's Spatch

"...An' goddammit Conchita, speak English this time!"Generik

"I don't care if he offers three hundred bucks this time... tell him I'm not screwin' anybody until I fuckin' find Waldo!"Generik

"Bil draws sound squiggles AND a 'RING' but leaves us playing with an air filter."ThinkAndDo

If that's Will or Holly, ask them how this matrix table works. I haven't figured it out yet, and that pylon's lookimg pretty ominous.Elkman

"They don't believe 'maxipad' is a word, mom. Tell 'em different!"twomp

Tiger cub in place? Check. Bill calling on phone? Check. Adult tigers cage opened? check.ChAoS

Now remember, Thel, when they ask what color your hair is you say, "What color would you like it to be?"Coyote

If it's that twerp Linus, tell him it's extra to snap him with the blanket!Coyote

Uh...mom....maybe I better tell you about the car now.Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

If it's my agent, tell him the speaking parts are good, but I want some close ups.Peon

The Keanes were relieved when "Tech Support" returned their call on the use of the new placemat.Coyote

Hey Mom, if anyone wants else wants lay money on Hollyfield the odds are now 3 to 5. We took a beating in the Miami game!bobo

We just got a message from Grampa here on the Ouija board! The sick old bastard says he's been spying on us for years!Kurt L.

If he asks, "Is your refrigerator still running?" just tell them, "Yeah, right. It's 40 years old and all the Freon leaked out during the Nixon administration!"Elkman

"If that's heavy breathing again, I'll take it upstairs."M

Thel went calmly through her daily routine. It had been a week since she'd killed PJ, stuffed him into the cake dish and replaced him with Dolly's old "Cabbage Patch Preemie" doll. So far only Barfy seemed to think that something was amiss...MC BeefStewMix

"Mommy, does a ponytail holder count as clothing in Strip Monopoly?"Magus

Geez Mom, you don't need to hide your fingerprints on your own phone.Hugh Jass

With Thel distracted by the phone, Jeffy in his usual catatonic stupor and Dolly screaming obscenities at the fridge, no one notices that PJ has been spelling out "Kill me" in Scrabble pieces for over an hour.Jizmo the Wonder Horse

"Well, you're just going to have to tell Gramma exactly where her monthly pill planner ended up."tv's Spatch

"Cripes, mom! Can't he even get us a real phone? What the hell kind of phone goes RIHG, anyway?"hippie

"Hey, maybe it's Dad. Oh, that's right -- he won't be calling because you're a broken down nag with no forehead who he left for a part-time secretary twenty years younger than you. Sorry, Mom; that just keeps slipping out."Jizmo the Wonder Horse

If that's Mr. Myers on the phone sayin' somethin' about a busted window, he's a fuckin' liar!!Cadillac Man

Jeffy sighed. Normally, Dolly's Pavlovian responses didn't bother him, but dammit, she was getting the Risk board all soggy.Maiden Japan

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