DFC #345

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Jeffy's early efforts paled in comparison to the caning techniques he later learned from Singapore's finest.Gen. Sedgwick

Jeffy had to spend five minutes working the Rogaine in...mange was a bitch!R.J.M.

"It started out innocently enough, but after a while, they were drinking out of the same bowl and using the same toothbrush. God, it gave me the creeps." --from Insert Title Of Autobiographical Memoirs Here by Pick A Sibling And Choose A Funny Middle NameHeath

No one could figure out why Jeffy's favorite chore was scraping guano off the lawn ornaments.Namgubed the Merry Elf

After Kittycat ran away, Jeffy severed the spinal cord between the fourth and fifth vertibrae. "Now I can love you forever," said Jeffy.Deiphage

'Jeffy always liked the sessions he had with kitty. He would reel in the ecstasy that kitty had as he scratched her back with the "back door buddy" that dad always used with his "special guests," and kitty didn't seem to mind. Jeffy cried for weeks the day dad ran over kitty with the lawnmower, and promptly fell into a life of drugs and prostitution.' Billy Keane, Reflections On A Cat-Scratchertoade

Jeffy started, reasonably enough, with the backscratcher, and moved on to more experimental areas in time, encountering no real problems until he hooked Kittycat up to the automatic milking machine.anon

....and here we have the shank or what some people call a "shoulder roast"...it's a slightly tougher cut but if you marinade it over night it makes for a fine slow roast...next we have the short ribs...Opie

In a ritalin-deprived daze, Jeffy feeds the dishes, washes the lawn, and rakes the cat.Namgubed the Merry Elf

As soon as he could find the port, Jeffy would attach the cable and update the flash ROM. He hoped that KittyCat 3.0 didn't have all the bugs that 2.1 did.hangtownman

"At first we thought it was sort of cute. But later, when he'd moved from gently tapping the cat with a riding crop to little kitty manacles and ball-gags, we realized something was definitely wrong. But by then it was... too late." -- from Jeffy, I'm So Sorry by Thelma Keanehangtownman

After Roy's death due to a "long-term" illness, Sigfried valiantly, albeit unsucessfully, tried to keep the magic they once created in their Vegas shows alive.Opie

"Huh-huh, Kittycat likes me," thought Jeffy. "Tonight I will feast upon your gizzard," thought Kittycat.Dan Jones

Sadly, Jeffy's spin-off series Jeffy's Animal Circus was cancelled after it was discovered that housepets don't read this strip either.bobo

Jeffy mused "That's it, get nice and relaxed. Uh huh, that's right." Then he threw the switch on the cattle prod.The Plague

Either Jeffy is less than a foot high, or the cat is the size of a Saint Bernard. Either way, Thel and Bil will soon have cause to regret their choice of a house built on a Superfund site.Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, while not uncommon in cats, is not ordinarily treated with a 24-pin SCSI cable plugged directly into the spinal nerve.ThinkAndDo

Before he was big enough to lift a scythe, the young Angel of Death would harvest souls with an imported bamboo backscratcher.Westur the Unspeakable

Dolly once remarked, "He got in good with the cat just to gain access to her Purina. Billy and I hated the little turd, mostly because he thought of it first."Heath

No animals were injured during the production of this comic strip. Afterward, however, Jeffy had other plans. Crazy Climber

Use #85 from 101 uses for a dead PJ, by Jeffy Kene.CrAsH

Don't let yourself be fooled, folks. That cat's not in throes of ecstasy. He's just paralyzed.Dan Jones

Lower...oh god lower...come on...please lower..come on...just a little bit....dammit boy, don't tease me!Opie

It was a fair trade--fifteen minutes of combing in exchange for 'accidently' knocking over ink onto Bil's drawing board whenever he drew t-shirts with humiliating slogans.agm

There is indeed more than one way to skin a cat... here Jeffy demonstrates the early stages of Method #7.Gen. Sedgwick

Butch Haircut, Comfortable Shoes, and a Desire to Pleasure Pussy -- the Top Three Signs that Your Daughter May Be Infected with the Sin of Lesbianism -- title of the keynote address given by the Rev. Chris T. Anchitte to the National Morality Caucus, March 1998Vice Pope Doug

Starved for nutrition, Jeffy finds Kittycat to be a literal gold mine of protein-rich skin flakes.k_B

"Ahh..so we have an understanding", thought Kittycat. "You scratch my back, and I'll shit in your lunchbox."bobo

Yes, in the seventies, everyone wanted on the B. Kliban gravy train. Everyone.Ravecavy

Herve Villachaize's first big break in the TV biz was for the Cat Scratcher 2000. He recieved $20, lunch and met Aaron Spelling. His career had hit the high road.Jenn Dolari

The ticks were getting fat. The fleas were reproducing faster than ever. The mites were develoving some lovely hues and today Jeffy would get to introduce the lice. From Parasite Farming the Keane WayCrackhead Jonny

"The new strain of experimental steroids were beginning to work. Kittykat's size was doubling every day and was already bigger than PJ. Soon I will be able to unleash my army of mutant housecats to take over the world!" -- excerpt from 'Mein KittyKat' by Jeffy Von Keeneanon

Try as he might, Jeffy couldn't get the cat opener to work.Stealth

After the horrible mishap with Barfy, Jeffy made sure to puncture Kittycat's skin with a fork before putting him in the microwave.Robbbbb

This seemingly innocent scene was the first of Jeffy's many encounters involving prosthetic devices and/or small animals.Gen. Sedgwick

Ted Nugent, the early years.Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Here's the last picture of my Jeffy. He loved the zoo so much... ", Thel sadly recalled as she perused her family album the day after poor Jeffy found his way into the lynx cage with a thistle.Eugene's a Nerd

"Cat Scratch Fever! Thank you, I'm here all week!"Fiddler (I hope I'm the first one!)

Garfield gets served five gourmet dinners a day. Catbert earns thousands each week as a Web consultant. I work twice as hard as those assholes and all I get is a fuckin' backrub? I gotta get a new contract.agm

Jeffy obviously would touch that pussy with a two-foot pole...R.J.M.

Jeffy not only conscientiously watered his Chia Pet, he raked the leaves from it once a week....Raven

Granted, having Grandpa's face appear on the cat wasn't as big as draw as, say, Jesus's face on a tortilla, but we brought in enough rubes to keep us in Kraft macaroni and cheese and Ripple for a whole month.Stefan Jones

Back to the DFC Archive index