DFC #354

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Please do not adjust your child. We control the horizontal. We control the vertical.Lots4SaleToo!

I tell you, Peej, wrapping rubber bands around your chest feels GREAT!Lots4SaleToo!

"Don PJ, I come to you on the day of your sister's wedding to ask of you a favor..."BUgG

"DFC couldn't come up with a damn thing for this scene back in #161, so we're giving 'em another chance. Ready? and...Action!"Ricky Retardo

Much like the legendary 'Cow Tools' cartoon, many scientists and scholars drove themselves nuts trying to figure out what was on P.J.'s table.Lots42

When Kubrik was hired to replace Bil during his "vacation" we often staged a scene a hundred times until it met with Stan's vision. It took him a week to produce one pannel.Microman

"Objection, Your Honor: irrelevant and lame material!"Randall

It got so bad that whenever PJ was asked to pull anyone's finger, he would foam at the mouth, twitch, and collapse into fetal position. Mr. ?

Jeffy unwittingly channels Elvis: "Hey, you gonna eat that?"Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Alright, damnit...I'm sick of arguing. You can have the beach house. But the children...the children need me. Don't take them from me, PJ."M

"You're wasting your time," thought Thel as she watched Jeffy try to explain to his little brother where milk comes from, "Pj's so stupid he couldn't spell his own name if you spotted him the first two letters..."Opie

"...but you're forgetting Hume's point that knowledge is reason." "You and your Hume! The sun don't rise and set on David Hume! If you examine the writings of Wittgenstein, you'll see...oh shit, Mom's coming. How are those sprained carrots?" "Heath

"What do you mean, 'better get a bucket'?"hangtownman

A 4 foot high, presswood topped, single seat feeding table, with casters: Item # 27 on the list of things that only exist in the codine and malt liquor addled mind of Bil KeaneOpie

Instead of violence-laden film clips, Peej is forced to endure nonstop Jeffy witticisms in Disney's family-friendly A Melonwork Orange.Coalcracker

"What do you mean, you're cuttin' me off? It's still two hours to closing time!"M. D. Sodd

Dammit, PJ, Linus is back and he found out I took his shirt! You gotta give me the blanket, or he's gonna fuckin' pull my head out my ass! For the love of God!!Pengie

Despite what the older Keane thought, PJ wasn't too stupid to get Jeffy's "pointer to NULL" jokes. He just didn't think they were funny.Lost in Erehwon

"I'm out of order? You're out of order! This whole damn comic is out of order!"hangtownman

"Pulling one's finger and Soylent Green dishes / 'Food on you, mate!' jokes and dual-nostril wishes / Melonhead SURGE! freaks with hair drawn like strings, these are a few of my difficult things...."Caption Salvage Crew

Yea, an' then they wheel this table out into the dinning room, with you all strapped down, an' then they take a mallet an' knock open your skull, an' eat your brains right there in front of you! I swear, I seen `em do it to a monkey, an' they like monkeys.Rev B

Ha! I got accepted for the new Zoom show, and you didn't!Werehamster

Jeffy learns a split second later that arguing with P.J. while his moth is full of creamed corn is not something to do while wearing your sunday bests.anon

Nice try, but even the beard doesn't really make you older. Face it, you're stick this way forever.Lost in Erehwon

That looks familiar... Sweet Jesus, is that one of the bananas from #174? Gen. Sedgwick

"We now return to Jim Henson's People's Court Babies starring Joeseph Wapner III and Ed Koch Jr."bobo

" 'Don P.J., I must ask you a favor.....' They all started the same way -- begging for favors like so many dogs begging for scraps. Why couldn't they at least wait until I had been burped?" - excerpt from Una Cosa Nostril by Don Pedro Jeane KeaneTBone's House O' Screamin' Weasels!!

Hi, I'm Euell Gibbons, and did you know that the wood in this table is better for you than your creamed carrots?R.J.M.

"Good evening; my name is Jeffy, and I'll be serving you tonight. I'm an actor and an Aries. May I suggest for your meal a robust Bordeaux with an oak aftertaste?" Crazy Climber

Objection, your Honor; counsel is feeding the witness.Namgubed the Merry Elf

Soylent Gray is Kittycat! It's Kittycat!!NME--

Sorry, kiddo, but Gerber wouldn't pay for product placement and Alpo did. Bon appetit.Gen. Sedgwick

I was right -- that foundation looks fabulous. We have a special offer this week -- with two bottles, you get a free fragrance sampler...Gen. Sedgwick

One push and your ass is rolling down a flight of stairs, comprende? So keep shoveling in the Pebbles till you find the damn puzzle. Snuffy

You want a tooth?! You can't handle a tooth!!Punmaster 3000

Caffeine! Extremely high doses of Caffeine. THAT'S where these inane captions come from PJ!The Mad Whacker

Christ, Peej. You've got one serious case of "blower's cramp". I told you not to climb in with Bil last night when that thunderstorm scared you. Why do you think even Barfy avoids him now?Feren

I told you that thing on Dad wasn't a bottle !!!!!!!Al

Alright, I'll see your strained peas and raise you one half eaten dog biscuit.CrumbCake

"Don't give me that eyes-glazed-over-I'm-stoned look, P.J.! That's my spray paint you just huffed!"Bore

Dammit, you're 1 and a half years old! You're not disabled!Nethicus

"Pull your finger?" thought Peej. "I'll pull your goddamn dick if it'll give this crap some flavor."Hugh Jass

I will not accept your theory that all men are driven by a natural dialectic urge to compete and force progression by a synthesis of only the greatest of ideas! And wipe those carrots off your damn face!anon

"Pull my--" Uh-oh, thought Jeffy, they're onto me. Gotta outsmart those damn fascist editors... "...um, hey PJ! Ull-pay y-may inger-fay!!!"Kurt L

...an' they'll take your head off, an' put it on a monkey! DO YOU HEAR ME? A damned filthy monkey! HAHAHAHAAA! ...but other than that, preschool's a lot of fun, trust me!Kurt L

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