DFC #356

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Some say a single picture's worth a thousand words. For your entire body of work there's only four words "get a real job"Yakko

Even Dolly can't look at Bil's originals without yawning.Gen. Sedgwick

..so now my slack-ass brother has me filling in for him whenever you're too loaded to pick up a pencil! Thanks a lot, Mr. Primary Male Role Model!Ultra-Girl

I betcha I would draw a lot looser if someone would ever take my tight-as-hell ponytail down!Mr. Ben McClellan

I'm sorry they cancelled your show Ellen... but there's only room for one token dyke around here... now SCRAM!dannyboy

"Yes daddy, I'm very impressed with your viagra results. Now stop using it as a cane or you're gonna burst a blood vessel!"anon

The aftermath of a high-speed single car accident where the driver wasn't wearing his seat-belt. Why do you ask?Ben

Blink, you fucker! You're scarin' the crap out of me ...anon_B

Just a happy litle picture.. oh, by the way, how do you spell Chuthulu'?Mr. ?

"I'm drawing myself a mother I can love. Does this look like Nastassia Kinski?"Stealth

"I have to write about what I did over the summer. Did Uncle Roy sing 'I Will Survive' or 'She Works Hard For The Money' at the Copa?"Heath

I got news for you pops - when the guys down at the paper call you "Palm Pilot" it ain't a compliment, and they aren't talking about your PDA.Yakko

Well, I can see how you could be fooled. At first glance, it does seem to be authentic. However, Picasso usually didn't work in green crayon...or draw nude pictures of Blondie Bumstead...or misspell his name...on the back of one of your old rejection letters.bobo

"Quick! How do you spell 'anti-disestablishmentarianism'?"Orbo

All right, all right! "You're a Leaning Tower of Penis." Now leave me alone!NME--

As long as she kept speaking Ebonics she could say whatever she wanted to Bil and he would just stare and nod.Crackhead Jonny

While Bil is away at a cartoonist's convention, Billy takes his place -- and draws himself the way he wishes he was: in drag.Coalcracker

I'm drawin' a picture of Billy trippin' on his nut sak...but I'm stuck on how to draw a frenzy of dik play?!?R.J.M.

"Dolly's public persona was nothing like her private one. She was into every twisted kink you can imagine, and since she had videotapes of me and Roy, I had to play along or she'd expose me. Here's a picture of the time she got me to do that 'mama bird/ baby bird' thing she loved so much. I still get the shakes just thinking about it. Christ, is it any wonder that I drank?" -- from Dark Side of the Circle by Bil Keanehangtownman

Look, I even brought my own pencil. Can't you draw at least a few teeth? I'm getting mighty damn tired of baby food and Jell-O.Gen. Sedgwick

"Well I've run the numbers every way possible and there's no getting around it: we're hopelessly in the red and if we ever want to see daylight, we're going to have to sell the boys to that nice middle eastern gentleman."hangtownman

"It's my own comic strip. I figure it's the only way I'll ever go through puberty and finally get some tits."hangtownman

Daddy? If God is good, why does he make a nice little girl like me live with someone like you?Vice Pope Doug

"Should be finished soon. I'm up to the part where Anne Heche gets impregnated by the flying turkey baster. So how's your cartoon going--you know, that one about Granddad wandering around Heaven and leaving a dotted line?"Dave Matthews

I intended to catapault PJ's loaded diapers on that bitch Lucy Van Pelt's house, but I got the trajectory all wrong. I think I got sine and cosine mixed up again. Oh, listen to me, what the hell am I talking to you about plotting an arc in three dimensions for?Dave

Billy, Jeffy, you gotta see this! The horse tranquilizers... He's gonna face-plant on the table! TIMMMMMMMBERRRRRRRRR CrumbCake

No, Bil, I'm not going to draw you any more naked pictures of myself. Go out and buy a fucking Playboy.Robbbbb

I give up. What's it s'posed to be?Gen. Sedgwick

Don't look at me like you've never spent sixteen hours frantically doodling after a crystal meth binge. That pretty much sums up your career, panel boy.Viagra Falls

Now, right here is the clitoris and.... Damn it, dad! I'm doing this as a favor for mom, the least you can do is pay attention!!What-a-cartoon!

Stop staring at me or mister pencil meets mister eyesocket up close and personal, capice?anon

How do you spell "A'kaholic"? Im writing an essay for school entitled "Why my daddy is the best in the world?"pasghetti boy

All right, here's the plan. You distract John and Odie at point A. We'll dress up PJ as lasagna and place him at point B. I'll be waiting, here, at C with the rifle. When that fatass takes the bait...POW!anon

Oh, just diddling... I mean, DOODLING, that's it, DOODLING!Furr

"Oh, nothing. Just practicing for when your liver explodes and Billy's crack habit catches up to him."Medea

Funny Bil, now sober up, put the table back on the floor and tilt the circle right side up.gnawTbits

Goddamit Bil, you're floating again! When are you gonna learn to properly adjust your medication!Bri-Boy

Listen, you draw your smarmy, nostalgic, circular pieces of crap if you want. I'm developing a graphic novel about an adolescent girl who dismembers her family and goes to Seattle to pull cappos and start a riot-grrl band.Bri-Boy

Listen Bil, you no-talent, worthless hack: you draw your smarmy, nostalgic, circular pieces of crap if you want. I'm developing a graphic novel about an adolescent girl who dismembers her family, flushes their pieces down the toilet, and goes to Seattle to pull cappos and start a riot-grrl band.Bri-Boy

"Can't you go masturbate somewhere else? It's kinda distracting."Larry Hastings

"She wanted to be like me... and I thought it was cute. She started drawing a cartoon... and I thought it was cute. She sent it in to Cowles... and I thought it was cute. They offered her 74 newspapers and 45% of the plush animal revenues... The bitch had to die." excerpt from "Bil Keane - the Death Row interview"Delsyn

"Okay, sir, the woman who assaulted you was approximately 5'9", wore a black Buck Rogers helmet made from human hair, and had only one breast. Is this the woman who assaulted you?"nine elle

"You're right, I don't know how to draw, but I do know thirteen ways to kill a man with a pencil. Fourteen if he flushed his glasses down the toilet after a twenty gallon tequila binge."nine elle

Oh God, this is how you make a living? No wonder mom's selling herself at night!Nethicus

Penthouse won't print my stories, so I'm adding some illustrations for them.agm

I thought I might go into art forgery. What do you think of my copy of Les Damoiselles d'Avignon?J. Wally Thompson

It's not a fishing boat, you unimaginative idiot! It's my fantasy dream yacht! See, here's Leonardo DiCaprio, tied to the mast and pantsless!agm

"I'm trying to write down the consequences of ignoring this ransom note. How do you spell 'vivisect'?"The Mad Whacker

Well, I'm not too good at drawin' arms, so I just draw huge penises in their place. And that, apparently, is how to score a huge NEA grant!Kurt L

I'm drawin' a picture of myself so I can show the sociable worker where you touched me.Duckfoot--

Dolly just had time to let out a scream before Bil toppled over from way too much DMT.anon

And they pay you for this? What a rip-off! You brilliant bastard!Kurt L

"Easy money" thought Bil. The public school system ensured that she couldn't even REMEMBER the whole alphabet, let alone burp it.zapper

Well, I captured your bulging eyes, wacky hairdo, gross beergut, and dazed expression. Now hold still so I can draw the leather corset and the needle tracks on your arms.Cadillac Man

*******BELCH*********Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

OK Dad, keep holding that pose, I've almost got your patheticness captured.Waldo

Um, Dad, watch it -- Seconals play havoc with your sense of balan...whoa! Whoa! INCOMING!!zen

*sigh* ok, one more time. See, this guy named Kilroy is dressed up like a robot in order to battle censorship. Censorship is turning everyone into robots. But Mr. Roboto isn't really a robot, he's a rock star undercover. Dressed up as Mr. Roboto he manages to stay alive and eventually save the world with his music. See, the robots are manufactured in Japan. "Domo Arigato" means "thank you very much" in Japanese. Since Mr. Roboto saved everyone, we say "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto" Now do you get it? Then if you don't mind I have to finish my homework.fish in the sky, blatantly plagerizing Paul Lundgren of the Northland Reader

"Look, I'll fake Dr. Bennett's sig on here, but I don't think the pharmacy will take even a real scrip when 'Vicodin' is drawn out and not written, okay?"Elvis!

"No, Dad. Uncle Roy doesn't have a friend named Paskal. It's a triangle with exponential factors of two, nothing to do with manage-a-trios . . . oh, alright, but I won't sit on your lap, you have be satisfied with playing footsies under the table."twomp

I call it "Mommy, the morning after a week-long bender while the Naval Brigade was in town." Do you think that's too long?Cadillac Man

I'm making a card for Mother's Day. How do you spell "masturbate"?Coyote

As Dolly babbled on about her silly drawing, Bil nodded dumbly and pretended to pay attention. The mesc was kicking in, and the deformed creature on the page did a belly-dance, beckoning to him lewdly.Cadillac Man

"That's right -- I've got the magic pen now! So go buy me the Beach Comber Barbie or tomorrow you'll be drawn with a much tighter inseam, if you catch my drift."me, myself, I

I'm drawing a picture of our family... is uncle Roy's third nipple on his right shoulder or his left?nonentity

What do you have to say for yourself, Mr."Let's switch the labels on the old bag's heart medication". Now I've got six months of "Get Well Soon Gran'ma" cards to backdate before the insurance man shows up.bobo

"Yes, my eyebrows are bushier than they were. I also have hairy pits, legs, and a fur bar up to my navel now. I will no longer a Madison Avenue inspired, male oppressed, fashion industry mandated tool of female perfection ANYMORE! Oh, this? It's Barbie in Malibu..."Tillman

Uh, I think you should wait outside, Bil. These "draw what happened" pictures just don't come out the same when the perp is staring at you and wearing your underwear.Hideo Spanner

"Fuckin A these fucking crossword puzzles are fucking hard!...Dad, what's a four-letter word starting with 'F' that means 'copulate' ?"Dog-matic 2000

Next year you do your own freakin' taxes!Bil Shakespeare

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