DFC #357

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Factoid of the day: Cats DON'T have nine lives...R.J.M.

Gramma washed my hands with soap 'cause I said bad words with sign language...R.J.M.

"Last week, it was stars," thought Thel. "This week, it's giant apostrophes. Maybe I should stop feeding him those Adobe manuals..."Heath

Guest towels? The only guests we have show up when Daddy's at work...and they don't even use towels...they just wipe off their cranks with a Kleenex, leave a twenty on the counter and split.Opie

You know, ripping out a man's still beating heart with my bare hands and showing it to him wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be.bobo

"It got to the point where Jeffy didn't even care anymore. He'd show up on the set, wrists still bleeding from his latest dose, ordering me to edit it out later, and to top it all off he still expected us to pull his damned finger. If it wasn't for that roll of film, I would've erased him long ago ... " from Livin' in a Bubble by Bil KeaneRiff

Tell daddy that he really oughta find a better hidin' place for his handgun.Kurt L

"The procedure was a complete success. From now on when one of your rings is missing, we can just peek in Kittycat's new abdominal porthole instead of spending an entire afternoon flushing her digestive system."Orbo

Ironically, the electric shaver accident didn't kill Jeffy. He died of a broken neck two minutes later when he tried to staunch the flow of blood with the "good towels." Tangent

In a bizarre twist, a dyke will now plug a hole in the little Dutch boy.Hans Brinker

"Mom, do all your racks have more on the left than on the right?"nine elle

"That's one Jehovah's Witness who wasn't ready for Judgment Day! Hey, does this stuff wash out?"nine elle

I was gonna tape a heart to your Mother's Day Card -- but hamsters are too much of a pain in the ass to cut open all the way.Vice Pope Doug

"It's called a suicide attempt, Thel. Look into it."Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

"When you're out at the Rite-Aid, remember to get the sutures. I used them all to stop Sam's sucking chest wound."RipperJak

"That shirt soon became my curse. I remember the time Kittycat viciously attacked me. I needed help to reach the towels beforeI bled to death, but all I got was, Blood on you, Mate"-From Circle on you, Fate: My struggle for identity, by Jeffy Kene.CrAsH

No, I don't have obsessive compulsive disorder. Trust me--if Bil had you put your hands where mine have been, you wouldn't be able to stop washing, either.marty gray

Fuck you! I'm not planning on dying for anybody's sins but my own.....and maybe Pamela Sue Anderson's, but that's it!Walrus

We're almost finished. Call Hector and tell him that we'll deliver the kidney in 30 minutes and we want the $10,000 in small bills.JohnBoy

"You were wrong! I played with it and it didn`t fall off. But it did get real messy......"Malkman

You are so twisted, Mom. FIRST, you make me pimpslap Dolly into submission, THEN you put the good towels out for me to use. You KNOW how I hate to use the GOOD towels!Pasghetti Boy

It's for my Science Fair project. My hypothesis was it only takes 10 picks before I get a bloody nose.Walrus

Needle exchange? Bah! They just get better with age!Turkeytits

"It took two hands, a flashlight, and a sherpa. But I found it!"turkeytits

Well Mrs. Keane I'd like you to make an appointment to come back and see me for a follow up...I'm a little concerned about that discharge.Opie

Don't stand there gawking, like you've never seen someone mixing bathtub crank before...grab me that bottle of ephedrine outta the top of the medicine cabinet.yeltsin

"I just washed them in the sink. Right there! What, don't you see it? It's right in front of you." Jeffy loved messing with his mother's head when she'd been mixing gin and Valium.hangtownman

But Bil says it's the way all cartoonists test the sharpness of their pencils.Coyote

"Dammit, here we go again. Sit down, I gotta tell the story of my participation in the massacre at Tippycanoe again or my hands'll never stop bleeding."Anyone here read Orson Scott Card?

Good news! Barfy won't make any more little puppies!Kevy

"... and for the ninth one, I just held his little head down the sink and fired up the disposal. Sure, it made a hell of a mess, but I think we all know who the star of the strip is now."hangtownman

"Just how attached were... er, are you to PJ, anyway."hangtownman

"See, you didn't believe me when I said there was a wolverine in th' clothes hamper!"anon

You're s'posed to say "Gesundheit."Gen. Sedgwick

I may not be able to squeeze blood from a stone, but I've got hamsters pretty well mastered.Crackhead Jonny

OK, your turn Thel. And remember DOWN not Across!Simon

"C'mon, don't look at me like that. If you binge you hafta purge."hangtownman

"Why can't I use the guest towels? This is our guests' blood I got to wipe off."Shem

Try as she might, Thel couldn't translate the meaning behind the whimpers and flailings. "Please, help, I'm bleeding to.. Beth?", she guessed. "That makes no sense at all."turkeytits

"My science teacher was right... the human eye IS filled with thick, viscous jelly."Spud Boy

You sadistic bitch. Why did you raise the towel rack AGAIN!?!?!munkiman

"I should have never eaten the worm out of the mescal" thought Thel, "There's a ticket booth and a chimney in the guest bath and Jeffy's hands are melting."Opie

I told you not to look in the basket! Mr. ?

Oh, don't look at me like that -- my sandwich had too much mayo.Gen. Sedgwick

Let me guess -- the ridiculously short one is Daddy's, right?Gen. Sedgwick

"I aided the poor; I turned the other cheek; But fuck this `cross' shit."Leeyore

Next time, you give Daddy the High Colonic.anon

If you should find a dead cat in the toilet bowl, it's not my fault.anon

There's two reasons I'm not screamin' like a banshee --- one, I'm in shock. Two, I ate all your Percodan.Vice Pope Doug

Keane's attempt to find favor with the Vatican by placing stigmata upon young Jeffy did not go unnoticed. John Paul II is quoted as saying "God on you, Mate!" to Keane in a private meeting.Paul "Blessed is Bil" Reed

Hand me that towel 'afore I get a Lady Macbeth complex already!Namgubed the Merry Elf

"First some heavenly light singles out PJ as the Chosen One and now Jeffy's got stigmata" Thought Thel, "I guess it's a bad time to tell Bil my parents were Jews".Opie

Daddy fell through the plate glass window. I tried to rush him Gramma's morphine but it got losht --- I mean lost -- in transit.Vice Pope Doug

That's the last time Dr. Patterson fuckin' fondles my ass without deliverin' on the nitrous oxide!Vice Pope Doug

In the future just explain how Jesus died and skip the demo.Crackhead Jonny

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