DFC #358

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

When "H.R. Puffenstuff" is on, you don't NEED no stinkin' hallucinogens!Doc Evil

Kitty froze. The words "Yan Can Cook does Vietnamese Cat Dishes" and Thel's sudden interest paralyzed her with fear.CarterC

"I don't care what Dad says, putting a couple of old headphones behind the couch is NOT the same as having real DVD."Mycroft

"Avoiding the telescreen again, eh, Comrade? Thought Criminal!" nine elle

"It was Awesome! Spinn hacked into South Park's system, and changed it so that everyone dies, EXCEPT Kenny!"Erekose. Not kissing ass

Mom, the teletubbies made P.J. swallow his tongue again.Jon

Well there's another V-Chip down the tubes. Next time try the industrial strength model!Yakko

'Sorry, Mom! Me an' PJ have been moved to Ghostly status. I'm "Beats The Fuck Out Of Me" and Peej is "Oh Shit"!'tv's Spatch

"If we called you 'Mommy Dearest' would you treat us as well as in that movie?"nine elle

"Hey, Mom, Dad's on COPS. Again."cabin boy's chaki vs. peter benchley's creature

"Pol Pot, Sinatra, and now HIM! I RULE the Keane family Dead Pool!"Randall

Mommy!! The doctor will refill your Percodan 'cause of your hystericalectomy!! It's party time!!Vice Pope Doug

"I guess I should stop giving you a hard time over the 'one breast' thing. My own nipples seem to have migrated down to around my beltline."So It's Come To This

"You're right, Romper Room is inspiring -- I'm gonna go smoke a Do-Bee!"Heath

Let me give you two words of advice...Victoria's Secret...R.J.M.

"Mommy! I'm a pickin' and PJ's a grinnin'!"...."Hee-Haw on every fucking channel 24-hours a day!" thought Thel, "We have got to move out of Bakersfield."Opie,Bakersfields' own

Here we can see violation 14-5 of Court Order 10-987. The toddler is able to move around on his own, yet the cabinets are not child-proofed. Bil, you're going away for a long time.Lots42

As the children goose-stepped through the kitchen, Thel wondered,"Why does Bil insist on watching Flight of the Luftwaffe every morning?"Sean Q

Wow! Dad has that hide-my-face-from-the-camera move down pat!Namgubed the Merry Elf

Mommy, how did Daddy get a videotape of the babysitter in the shower?Tom Emwolb

"I just saw a Chinese waiter heading down the street wearing your blue teddy. Did we have a little mix-up after our nooner?"hangtownman

"Bob Ross is talkin' bout how to do happy lil' perspective. I think now would be a very good time to haul Dad's ass outta the powder room and down to the couch."eumenides in the fourth floor lavatory

"Martha Stewart cooks and cleans and I can see her nipples. Let's get with the program, bitch."eumenides in the fourth floor lavatory

"Atom Ant's on TV. He says you need to go back to the butch dyke crew cut or you'll hear from his lawyers."eumenides in the fourth floor lavatory

Why is it that when Homer strangles Bart on TV, it's funny, but when Daddy strangles Billy, you cry and call the cops?agm

"Mom, I know you really want to quit smoking, but I think you're only supposed to use one Nicotrol patch at a time!"hangtownman

"It was bad enough that Jeffy was out of control, staying out all night drugged to the gills and chasing anything with a skirt, but one day he brought PJ home at seven AM and when I saw my baby was stinking of cheap gin and Sally Brown, well, I knew it had to stop." -- transcript of People v. Thelma Keanehangtownman

Hey, remember how we were debating the pros and cons of plastic covered furniture? PJ just came up with another pro. By the way, where's the Wet-Vac?Tarzan of the cows.

"Nice lamp you got, Mom. How many johns before we can get DSS?"Stealth

"Mom! Did you know Dad used to be in gladiator movies?" Crazy Climber

Thel smiled inwardly. The kids never realized that the TV was busted and Bil had superglued a G.I.Joe figure inside the frame. Lots42

We stuck a piece of Dolly's retainer into the back of the cable converter box now we get free Adam & Eve!Opie

We're all out of Wild Turkey for the cereal.Coyote

...an' then Daddy called in and said "Remember me, Tony? This is Bil Keane, and I took your course" an' then Anthony Robbins turned all white an' started crying an' someone started shouting "Fraud!" an' threw a chair at Tony an' knocked out his front teeth. Man, that was the best Larry King Live ever!bobo

Jeffy would quickly learn that "What's for breakfast, bitch?" is not the best thing to say to someone holding a scalding hot waffle iron.bobo

"Mama-san! Mama-san! Please to be turning channel indicator to haha dinosaur that is purple in color! Chop, chop! Oh, c'mon, Thel, you're the one who looks like a freakin' giesha!"Tillman

"MOMMY! MOMMY! Oh wait, you're demonically possessed right now. It can wait."Scoats

We sure are enjoying this closed-circuit broadcast of your swinger's party downstairs.....but watch out for Mrs. O'Brien. We heard her tell Dad that only sent you up for more dip so she could pounce his gonads.Walrus

Mom, will you PLEASE get Dad another bottle of Mickey's so's he will draw a damn floor? It's really freaking us all out, and the dogs can't stop puking.Bri-boy

Dad's up to his 78th straight hour of "Looney Tunes." He seems to be putting together a plan to get rid of us all with various ACME products. Shouldn't we call somebody?Cadillac Man

"Mom, Rush Limbaugh called us a stain in the moral fabric of society. Should we take him out?"RipperJak

Thel! Guess who just had his first orgasm!J. Wally Thompson

The visible reminders of Thel's affair with the Pillsbury dough boy always made her sick.scoob

I thought I smell something burning .... oh, it's Kittycat and her Philly Blunt!Kevy

Hey, moms! Some cracker with a funny 'do named Dagwood is at the door...somethin' about wanting his pajama bottoms...should I bust a cap in his ass?Paul "Blondie's Lament" Reed

Jesus, Thel muttered to herself. Cold oatmeal and water every morning for the last eight years and the little shits STILL ask what's for breakfast.Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

Inwardly, Thel sighed. She wished the little brats would leave her alone. They always wanted something. "I cut myself!" "Feed me!" "Save us, daddy has a gun and just shot the TV!" Why the fuck didn't they solve their own problems?Feren

"Daddy says he wants Raisin Bran only pick out all the raisins and give them to PJ and put Raisinettes in it instead, and also he said 'Make it snappy, bitch.'"Yellow Dawg

Thel, Bil's on Springer...again!phil

Pull my thumb... aw, dammit, let's do another take, I can get this.Gen. Sedgwick

Mom - you may be an 'autumn', but those falling-leaves print leggings have got to go!Riff

Man, I thought I saw everything, but Clinton's getting a blowjob on C-SPAN!anon

Most people never figured it out, but the fruit basket on the TV was Bil Keane's subtle nod toward his affair with Carmen Miranda. (The affair had a tragic ending when Carmen cried, "Your banana looks like it's been in the refrigerator!")Elkman

Answers to "What's Wrong with This Picture?" (p. 43): (1) The children's feet do not touch the ground. (2) Only one of Jeffy's feet casts a shadow. (3) Thel's head is on backwards, a feature normally reserved for Billy's. (4) The Keanes are portrayed as having furniture.Gen. Sedgwick

About that video, lemme guess -- you were young, you needed the money?Gen. Sedgwick

Damn, thought Thel, I put enough arsenic in his oatmeal to take out a Brahma bull. This kid is worse than Rasputin.Sean Q

Thel thought the little "accident" would grant her some peace and quiet...but as she saw the ghastly spectral figures floating before her, she realized she was horribly mistaken.Desscribe

"Hey, we're watching E!'s "Fashion Nightmares." You wanna give 'em a call, Mrs. floral- print -pants- with- leather- pimp- jacket- from- the- 70's?"Quantum

"Yo! K-cat, my man! Your favorite show's on the box -- Disembowelling Rodents and Small Birds for Maximum Effect. "Furr

How come Julia Child can make a seven-layer breakfast omelette in half an hour, but you can't even make us cold cereal without burning it?Elkman

"PJ just said his first word! Err, wait, is sperm-burping-gutter-slut, just one word?"Erekose

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