DFC #362

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Why did you pack all this stuff? Wer'e just going to Best Buy, fer crissake!Doc Evil

P.J. survived by eating the fuzz off his carseat.anonLots

Jeffy, trapped in the middle, could only watch enviously as Billy gulped the bugs that flew through the window. Crazy Climber

"Where the hell are we? Without P.J. carrying around a pennant, I'm lost."Larry Hastings

Can't you get it through your thick skull? Witness protection just won't work if you keep insisting on handing out autographed cartoons to every hick and yokel we meet!bobo

"Dad this Choadar the great hunter delusion was cute right up until you put us in the car to 'follow the herds".Crackhead Jonny

In the early days of dad's strip we would dream of living in a trailer. Eventually with much hard work, we simply stopped dreaming.Yakko

Six days, five nights in Topeka? What'd you do, piss Vanna off?Heath

"Daddy, can I ride on top with the dead bodies?"PJhasnocock

"Dibs on any deer meat left in the grill or radiator."Erekose -- 2nd lieutenent of the Caption Salvage Crew

While the rest of the family marvelled at Billy's five minute belch, Dolly saved her rendition of The Ride of the Valkyries for the Big Branson Burp Off.Peon

Forget the Nair/ or waxes that scald/ It's a fact/ Uncle Roy/ Like's em bald/Burma ShaveOpie

"Great road trip, Bil. Kinda like a cross between Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, and Village Of The Damned, with just enough Blue Velvet sprinkled in to keep it interesting."Reverend S. Michael Wilson

"Sure, go ahead, drive twice as far as you did last time. We found our way back once, we'll do it again!"Reverend S. Michael Wilson

"Okay wiseass, so what's the plan if the border guards suddenly decide that they are going to do a body cavity search?"Reverend S. Michael Wilson

"You are getting sleeepy...sl--ee--ee--py....You can hardly keep your eyes open...."wrong hero

Alright, I'll make this short and sweet. Either the two of you fork over any folding money you've got before that State Trooper reaches the driver's side window, or else I start screaming child abuse and narcotics smuggling at the top of my lungs!Reverend S. Michael Wilson

Y'know, I bet most people have no idea that it takes this much shit to create quality Kiddie Porn!Vice Pope Doug

Well folks here's the story bout a man named Bil/ A hack cartoonist with no artistic skill/ got himself involved with a child-porn ring/ and ran smack dap into a gov't sting/ pedophilia that is/ kiddie-porn/ the next thing you know ol' Bil's a fugitive...Caption Salvage Crew

"How was _I_ s'posed to know bestiality was 'alegal in our state?"Iblis

"So-o-o-o... tell us again how you suddenly decided Mexico was lookin' mighty fine this time of year?"Iblis

"Well, Dad, Jeffy WAS on my side of the seat, and I did have to teach him a lesson.. and besides, I think his neck looks better this way."Iblis

"Dad, are you SURE the Freemen said they were in Fontana?"Iblis

"Dad, look! It's our old friend, Parole Officer Williams! Why aren't you waving, Daddy?"Iblis

"Dad.. I certainly respect your decision to save money by driving to Hawaii instead of flying this year.. but.."Iblis

...and a pack of Godzilla's condoms are as big as the roof of this station wagon!not elsie

"Fuck!" Billy thought. "Just when I was going to meet BigTits546 in person, Dad has to organize a camping trip."lots42

"This just rocks SO fucking much, Daddy. Nevada - land of casinos, topless revues, quickie marriages and legal brothels. Let's drop Mommy and the kids off and go have us a drink."paparapa

"Okay, somebody just 'splain this to me, please: Why the hell do we hafta traipse all the way to B.F.E. every time Grandma sticks her head in the oven?"paparapa

I know that you take your work very seriously Bil, but is it really necessary to hand deliver your cartoons to our last five remaining readers?bobo

This is our fourth "camping" trip to Mexico this summer! Are you sure you're not overestimating the stupidity of US Customs agents?Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Dad, how is riding a Harley-Davidson and riding mom diff'rent? You called 'em both hogs, right? Or was that pigs? Dad?"Erekose

Barfy is rippin' up my napsack with the frisbee and bug spray...R.J.M.

The Van Pelts have a minivan. The Mitchells have a minivan. The Derkins have a minivan. The Flagstons have a minivan. The Pickles have a minvan....Gen. Sedgwick

Dad, if we're gonna catch that comet, you'll hafta open the garage door eventually... Dad?Namgubed the Merry Elf

When they got to the campsite, Bil was pissed, but could only blame himself. After all, he was the one who put Barfy in charge of remembering to bring that lid of pot.hangtownman

Y'know Daddy, actin' like a totally normal family, an' drivin' 400 pounds of pure-D Colombian flake into Canada is pretty fuckin' ballsy and brilliant! I'm actually startin' to respect you a little! Vice Pope Doug

Daddy? I still promise never to tell Mommy, but later will you tell me what a sordid 'fair is?Vice Pope Doug

Bil's knuckles tightened to a gleaming white as Billy entered his second hour of Slim Whitman favorites.anon

"It's amazing how much more cooperative those state patrolmen are when you get their guns away from them!"anon

"Tell Dolly to quit with the incognito shit...anybody could have mistaken Connie Chung for a deer."Heath

"The 'license plate' game turned out poorly. Even Ohio and Utah posed a challenge to these illiterate cretins." --Thelma Harper Keene, Why Am I Straight?Heath

Barfy's new CD was a hit on college radio, but the roadies he toured with left much to be desired.ThinkAndDo

Now the Argus Times-Independent dropped us, so we're moving to a motel. How many more papers have to cancel before we get to live in a trailer?Coalcracker

Are you satisfied now, Mr. "That's not a typo"? Now do you believe me when I said there wasn't a town called Viagra Falls?bobo

For the last time, Bil, I am not going to pretend to be Jessica Tandy. Maybe Jeffy will play Driving Miss Daisy with you. Werehamster

So how long before we can kill and eat PJ? We've been driving almost an hour!id

Why do we hafta take a vacation every time one of Daddy's prison buddies gets paroled?Kevy

"Dad, I appreciate help with my homework, but are you sure that a car has left Seattle going in our direction at 50 miles per hour?" Crazy Climber

Hey 'Mario Andretti", you might wanna step on it a little...some Amish guy just passed us and gave you the finger!Opie

Y'know, this "Vacation In Hell" schtick is wearing pretty thin. I'm sure there's comedy to be found at a Las Vegas resort hotel.Furr

"As your attorney, I advise you to pass the fuckin' mescaline."tv's Spatch

You know what, Pops? When we used to follow the 'Dead around on tour, that was pretty cool. And when we hung out all summer at Lollapalooza? That was ok. And U2's Popmart tour? Socially acceptable. With that in mind, do you really think that following Wayne Newton on tour is going to help us shake our white bread, middle America image? Think about it.bobo

Hey! This time it took eight months of living in this town before the mob with the torches showed up. I think Dad's aversion therapy is starting to take!Delsyn

Wow, Bil! That was the rankest fart yet! Can you make one that smells like burning tires?!Furr

"I get to gun down the next jewish family! I get to gun down the next jewish family!"anon

Barfy's hungry again. Any more armadillos out there?Gen. Sedgwick

As the acid kicked in, Billy suddenly realized that he'd never before grasped the true meaning of bad trip.Who me?

What I wanna know is howcum we have a TV with a dial on it but our car has rear shoulder restraints, which weren't available until the 90's??munkiman

When we get home, I want to be the first to slather myself with the big bar of butter.Judy Jetson

Bil saw the ghost in front of him and reflexively floored it...a wet splut followed and a few puffs of ectoplasm splattered the widows. He'd like to see those fucking kids of his try to come up with an excuse for stealing his stash, this time.Jamey Powell

That idiot in the pickup just honked at us for going too slow! You gonna take that? That old guy in the Lexus is laughing at our ancient car! You gonna take that? That kid in the Acura is making fun of your goofy glasses! You gonna take that?Cadillac Man

"...and it took a helluva lot of sugar and Jell-O, but even the 93 octane set fast. And that's why the engine's belching smoke."phil

The Chunky Bar lashed to the roof of the car would provide sustenance for the long trip ahead.So It's Come To This

Oh Boy! twelve straight hours driving in the Shitmobile with no A/C and listening to nothing but Micheal Bolton? Why don't you just shoot me and dump my body from an overpass?Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

Wow, look a raccon! Let's take a pic..........(***BUMP***).........Well, fuck you too, dad!Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

Today's guest cartoonist is James Cameron, who will film the entire panel from a chase helicopter with a gimbaled Wescam Gyrosphere camera mount on the right skid and a background plate digitally added in real-time. He will also be banging Thel off-set.Rotter

Some families spank, some use "time-outs", others use the belt, but the best punishment Bil found was "camping".Crackhead Jonny

Bil, the smoke screen ain't working! The cops are still hot on our tail!Cadillac Man

Dad, we gotta go back... I left the "I'm a Happy Camper" t-shirt at home!Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Dad told me we're movin' to West Virginia cuz there he don't hafta register as a pedal file an' a sexual creditor."Sean Q

"Can we take our clothes off yet? Can we take our clothes off yet? Can we take our clothes off yet?"M

Uh, Bil, I hate to nitpick, but this only works if the car's in the garage with the door closed. Up on blocks out front dosen't count.Mr Triscuits

Maybe now that we got that pretty black slab, we can finally evolve us some necks. Mr. ?

Let's play The Countess, Her Screaming Little Shits, And The Chauffeur again.Ken

I hear banging coming from the roof. I think Grandma's tranks have worn off.Ken

Bil, no pennants this time. Please.J. Wally Thompson

"Boy, these long car drives sure give you an opportunity to be alone with yourself. You can just think and think. And masturbate. Yeah, don't wanna forget that."M

"Time for another 'camping trip' already? Which is it -- IRS, loan shark, bookie, DEA, or did Uncle Roy's old boyfriend make parole already?"Shem

"Better safe than sorry, I know. But that policeman was only selling tickets to the county fair."Mr. Notlob

"Forty two thousand bottles of beer on the wall, forty thousand bottles of beer...take one down and pass it around, thirty nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall..."Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

The odds at post time: Camping trip 2:1. Washington, DC, again 7:2. Dropping the kids at camp en route to a swingers' weekend 6:1. Grand Canyon 30:1; with Thelma & Louise ending 50:1.Gen. Sedgwick

That was your idea of a family vacation? Driving us 500 miles so you could buy the world's largest stick of butter?bobo

I still say Kittycat had no legal right to kick us out!Coyote

"Jeez! Those biker chicks got hair and earrings in the damndest places, don't they?"Tillman

Back to the DFC Archive index