DFC #366

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"May I be 'scused to go live with some normal family?"anon

"They call it Hamburger Helper, but I think it tastes mighty fine by itself!"Pit Monster

Anyone seen my " Flintstones Chewable 'Ludes? "Doc Evil

Oh, no! Not Meatloaf again! (Well, it worked for Rocky Horror, why not here?)Joe Z

In a nuclear winter, virtually the only things that survive will be the cockroaches -- and, of course, the Keanes.phil

"Beats me, Dolly. I've never heard of Hamburgers Ritalin."Heath

Absent a true father figure, the Keane boys idolized the Rat Pack. The death of Sinatra was particularly difficult to handle. Billy and Jeffy paid their own tribute by downing several Manhattans. Thel pretended to care about her family while reminiscing about the nights with Peter Lawford and Sammy in Hoboken. Bil, as usual, suspected something was amiss, but his focus was on the "Buy one, get one free" pork rinds promotion in the paper.Pat

Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him well...Namgubed the Merry Elf

Billy wants to know if there are thirds on the Ripple.Gen. Sedgwick

Uhh mom? From the smell I'd say those hamburgers that came with the display model are plastic.Yakko

Mirrors in the bathroom - that's normal. Mirrors over the bed - I can understand that. Mirrors over your daughters bed - kinky, I like that. But why the fuck do we have mirrored countertops?Yakko

Thel, on a typical amphetamine binge, finally gets around to cooking dinner at 2am after frantically scrubbing the entire house for the previous 19 hours. Her bleary-eyed family is understandably miffed, though Dolly notes that she's never seen a tablecloth actually shine like that before.anon

To the other children, being snowed in for a week meant complaining about a dinner of frozen beef patties. For Billy, it meant trying to keep the shakes at bay with Sterno squeezings and Nyquil.hangtownman

Say what you will about benchmarks, dead-end CISC technology, its place in server architecture, whatever...an overclocked Pentium II CPU still grills up a damned fine burger!Rotter

In the other room, Bil caressed himself with the tip of the pistol and spoke softly to himself. "Oh lord, please, just let me write ONE more cartoon. Then I'll change. With god as my witness, I'll change."Magus

mmmm, black ink circles, my favorite.Mr. ?

Stephen King's The WhiningFranklin Planner

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE......this is a test of the Emergency Jeffy System. If this had been an actual emergency..."Pete

"Possum again?!? Why can't you run over any tasty aminals?"Sean Q

Damn that Bil! He's put the coffee smell-squiggles over the hamburgers again!Horselover Fat

Giant catfish again? I wish I'd never caught that goddam thing in the last panel.Bob Villa

So it turns out our vacation destination was Duluth in 1955?!?Gen. Sedgwick

Mmmm, check out those hot, juicy, succulent mounds of flesh! An' the burgers don't look bad, either.NME--

"Exhibit #366: Here again Keane exaggerates the size of his wife's breasts while portraying himself as both small and remote. The icicles serve as a metaphor for their marital troubles, and the disembodied meat... well, you get the idea." - from Circumscribed: Sexual Repression in Keane's 'Family Circus' by G. Cuthbertson, Ph. D.Gen. Sedgwick

Soylent gree....damn......you cooked barfy......damn......PJ is on the milk carton...damn damn damn...if this blizzard doesn't end we will never get out of this impossible zone!Waldo

"This is great!" thought Bil. "I should have started wearing a disguise years ago!"RDF

This new, limited edition plate from the Franklin Mint depicts all the DFC impossible zones: Thel cooking soylent green and/or the pets, Jeffy in his most beloved sexual position, Dolly grappling with the realization that she will never be as popular as Jeffy, Bil's addled attempt at detail, all while a stoned Billy looks on. A "must have" for serious DFCers!The 13th Angel

Damn it, Bil! Will you ever learn to close the bathroom door when the rest of us are eating?Mr. ?

What, Doctor Cuthbertson told you we weren't getting enough carbon in our diet?Rotter

Look, Ma, don't believe the ads. Spam on a hamburger roll is just a Ten Parts Salt To One Part Pork Leavings-Burger.Rotter

"Winters were hard on all of us. We'd be snowed in for months on end and would grow to loathe the sight of one another. Dolly would stop speaking to me and start to withold sexual favors. Mom would fry up shoe leather once the meat ran out. Billy, long out of any proper liquor, would drink Sterno sqeezings, cleaning products, anything to keep the spiders at bay for another few hours. But it was Dad that freaked me out the most. Insisting that the 'Family Routine' appear normal, he would have us act out our cutsie little antics while he would read the paper each evening, even though the last one had been delivered seven weeks ago, and we'd killed and eaten the paper boy." -- from Why I Left Wisconsin by Jeffrey H. Keanehangtownman

The psychic fern stood in the snow, shivering, the damp coldness penetrating its bark and bitterly chilling its roots. Freedom was not worth this.agm

"Hamburgers Again? I wanna feast on the blood of the living!"Westur the Unspeakable

"Oh, shit, back to the Fifties again. No Marilyn Manson, no Ecstasy, no cyberporn. Just Caucasian family values up the wazoo. Ah, well. If you want me, I'll be in my room pounding my head against the wall until I slip into blissful and blessed unconsciousness."Dave Matthews

Is it just me, or has El Nino really fucked this summer up?Gen. Sedgwick

Few things are bleaker than daybreak, with the possible exception of daybreak with the Keane kids.Who me?

This is my life, ladies and gentlemen. Now do you understand why I'd rather be sitting on a giant fish?Gen. Sedgwick

"What's your road, man? Holyboy road, madman road, rainbow road, guppy road, any road. It's an anywhere road for anybody anyhow. Anyway, aren't we havin' pasketti?" -Jeffy Kerouac, In the Circle.c.

Are you flippin' your bun stack in an epicurean display?TBone's House O' Screamin' Weasels!!

I better get cheese on mine, or somebody gets wished into the cornfield!!TBone's House O' Screamin' Weasels!!

In a recently discovered uncut version of Jailhouse Rock, a young Elvis flashbacks to his mother's famous Grits n' Crisco sandwiches.bobo

The Venusian landscape waited patiently. It's time would come...It's time would come.zen

"But Mom, Billy always gets to be bartender." Crazy Climber

Yes, here in the World of Tomorrow you'll be frying up burgers in your lunar bungalow with the greatest of ease thanks to electronic timesavers from Westinghouse! Your flabby, layabout husband and your misshapen, mouth-breathing children will say "Thanks, Mom!" as they chow down on hot, tasty soy wafers! Yessiree, thanks, Mom! And thank you, Westinghouse!me, myself, I

"My father and brother just couldn't cope with the holidays unless they got completely wrecked. By seven o'clock Dad usually sat in the other room wearing a plastic bag over his head, leaning forward occasionally to vomit into a plastic bucket. Billy just slumped at the table nursing a little Bailey's mixed with milk (for his ulcer) while arguing with our Grandpa, who was long dead. Billy usually lost those arguments, by the way." -an except from the diary of Dolly Keane.Cadillac Man

Dennis Mitchell's havin' turkey for his Christmas dinner. The Fox family got a huge ham for their dinner. Even that stupid Brown kid, the biggest loser on the block, is having baked chicken. What do we get? Fuckin' HAMBURGERS! With POTATO CHIPS!Cadillac Man

Was there an ink sale at Kmart?Crackhead Jonny

Citing such depressing lower-middle-class vignettes as the fried-Alpo scene here and in The Prince of Tides, some literary historians maintain that The Family Circle is pseudonymously written by Pat Conroy.Gen. Sedgwick

While Gallant sits patiently at the dining table, Goofus hocks one heck of phlegm into Mother's cookingKevy

I'll take mine charred to a crisp...like I have a choice...R.J.M.

Christ, Mom! How do you swallow with a neck that thin?Riff

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