DFC #37

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Sorry, that last one was my rommmate's caption. What can I say?Greg J

Daddy! P.J. threw up and Dolly won't let me have any of the big pieces!anon

She's DEAD, Dr. Kimble! And they'll blame you for her murder! BWAHAHAHAHA!Zenmaster

Sorry, Gramma, but when Dad says he has to have Mom, it's gotta be right that second. It's a wonder they've only got four kids.anon

Well, I'm letting my nails dry on my right hand...and it is none of your damn business WHAT I'm doing with my left hand!RBByrnes

Gramma? Hi, it's Billy. Yeah, it was Mom. Pegged Dad from right across the street. Guess that restraining order wasn't worth beans, huh?MechaGumby

Hello Domino's? This is Charlie Brown. I'd like to order two dozen large pies with everything. Yeah, I'm having a party. How soon can you deliver them?paTRICK heSTER

...so then I said, "pull my finger..", and he chopped my damn arm off!Katt

"Daddy can't come to the phone right now. He's carving little wooden statues of Erma Bombeck."zed

It gradually dawned on Jeffy that pointing out something to the phone's handset was a total waste of time.Rev. Oley

Daddy, Billy's beatin' Dolly with my prosthetic arm again!anon

Mommy will be right back. She's giving Dolly cigarette burns for breaking a lamp.Roy

"Bil? Yeah, this is Jeffy. Listen...you gotta knock this no-line-completing shit off, man. Yeah...my fuckin' arm just fell off, that's what! What? Don't give me no shit here, Bil. You don't get so much as one fuckin' wholesome scene out of me until you get your ass over here and re-draw my arm!"Macavity

That's right, I woke up and found the daily crossword poking into our frame. Usually they put it over there.Trism

Thank you for calling the Windows '95 Support Line. This is Jeffy. How can I be of service? Yes, click on the little rectangle at the bottom that says "start" on it. No, sorry. That's all I know. Buh-bye!zed

Wow, this thing is vibrating just like one of Mommy's toys. In fact... sniff sniff... aw, for crying out loud Mom, not the phone, too?!?ferret

Hello, 911? Send help right away! The checkered wallpaper is attacking me!Amber Dowlin

"Yeah, hi. Is this United Features? Yeah, this is Billy Keane. I'm calling about that ad you ran, about casting for "Calvin and Hobbes: The Next Generation"... Yeah, I'm very interested. It's bad here. They're putting my food up on a shelf above me and my arms are too short to reach it. I'm looking to make a move."zed

Hello...huh? WHAT! Damn you tele-marketers! Every time I'm on the john...!Yorgo

...and three quarts of KY, and Barfy, and the egg beater! And they won't come out of the bedroom!anon

I'm gonna leave this phone hanging for a while. We'll continue this phone conversation when you've learned some goddamned manners. Got it?Hugh Jass

[insert phone sex joke of your choice here]Craig

Goddammit, Grandma! I don't give a shit about your chest pains! "Animaniacs" is on!Craig

Officer, Daddy ran out the door right after he said "hello."BK

Yes, now my arm is over there by Daddy's power saw.sparky

No, Bil can't come to the phone, he's over there drawing my other arm.Rishmawy

Hi 911? Daddy's friend Roy locked himself in the bathroom 'cause Daddy can't dress like Madonna right, and I gotta _GO_! Hurry!VPD

One arm is severed and the other is to short to reach my ... well, you know ... an' if that's not a _'mergency_, I don't know what is!!VPD

I'm talking to _you_, Mister Phone, 'cause Billy dropped two doses of microdot in my Cheerios. What's your e'scuse?VPD

Hey, I don't have to take this kind of shit from you, Brown. At least MY parents don't have a fucking speech impediment.Pompitous

Hey Grandma, guess what. Mom and Dad have had you declared legaly insane. That means I can call you a fat, ugly, cheapskate wench, and you can't write me out of the will. Ha ha!Pompitous

Help! Police! There's a Mexican in our neighborhood!Mr. Goat

Gee Mister, you must have been real good. Usually Mommy can at least wait until AFTER the phone callToozday

Daddy's got Mommy handcuffed to the bed and tickling her with a feather. Can I take a message?Meli O'Girl

"911 operator? Dad lost one of my arms again. Can you send an emergency cartoonist over to fix it?"Meli O'Girl

The way Barfy attacked mommy after she said "Neutered" was like something out of Cujo.Kelvin Cabrera-Castellar

"I don't care how bad the DTs are, Daddy. You aren't getting in until you apologize for raping my goldfish."Paul T. Riddell

Hello, you've reached 1-900-NAMBLA. My name is "Jeffy," and I'll be your slut-boy for the eve--... oh! Oops! Hi dad! Kurt L.

Yes, this is Jeffy Keane-- I mean Smith. Oh fuck! Another Witness Relocation fucked up!Tuktoyuktuk Head

"This is a picture of Jeffy talking to a phone. You never saw it, but Jeffy was loony as hell. We often had to strap him down to stop him from dismembering the cat. I hated the fucker; he was impossible to work with." - _Dolly, Memoirs_Felix W.

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